Your New Neologisms Have Arrived

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Brian Ward writes:

Once again,The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over
by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that when you die, your Soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.  Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating. 
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

16 thoughts on “Your New Neologisms Have Arrived

    1. Fat Frog

      Very old. Still good. Cashtration= very relevant in Ireland i.e. we have been collectively cashtrated.

  1. Bernie Munch

    Ah, will the Washington Post get in as much trouble over No 7s lisp pun as today’s front page of The Sun?

    1. Nigel

      No. This is the difference between being blitheringly stupid and being cleverly witty. There ought to be a word for it.

  2. Maro

    I don’t see how the frisbeetarianism one follows the rules of the joke. Somebody please enlighten me.

  3. Pat Myers

    Yes, most of the jokes above are winning entries from The Washington Post’s weekly humor/wordplay contest, The Style Invitational. This, however, is from one contest way back in 1998.
    Much better to see the the current Invitational — every week at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. We’ve had more than 600 contests since the one above! The Style Invitational is published every Sunday in The Post’s Style (features) section, and every Friday online. The contests encompass a wide variety of humor genres, from cartoon captions to song parodies, but there are neologism contests regularly as well.

    In fact, a recent set of results were for a contest to make a new word that included the letter block N-O-E-L — in any order, but all together — and then define the new word. Here are some of the winners:

    Groucholenses: How to look at the world through nose-covered glasses. (Eric Fritz, Silver Spring, Md.)

    iPhonelecher: A tweet-stalking guy. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)

    None-liners: Sight gags. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

    Leno jay: A nocturnal bird that lays an egg every night at 11:35. (Malcolm Fleschner, Palo Alto, Calif.)

    See the rest of the winners and learn how to enter the current contest at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. Or you can join the group “Style Invitational Devotees” on Facebook or contact me at myerspat @ gmail com and you’ll get a link to the Invitational when it’s posted. I hope you become a regular reader and maybe even a regular entrant.

    Best, Pat Myers
    The Empress of The Style Invitational
    The Washington Post
    myersp@washpost.com

  4. The Horror

    Anticappointment – really looking forward to participating in a sport you love, yet knowing you are inevitably going to play really badly

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