JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES

at

Poster_July

A weekend comedy festival?

At the (very lovely) Mermaid Theatre, Bray, Co Wicklow?

Oh go on then.

Emma Dwyer writes:

We have a comedy weekender coming up here next weekend and would love to give Broadsheet readers a chance to win weekend passes.

Not the Edinburgh Fringe But Better (we’re so modest) features Al Porter, Karl Spain, Chris Kent and Eleanor Tiernan.

We have TWO pairs of Weekend passes up for grabs. To enter, Just TELL US A JOKE…the loudest Friday Mermaid Theatre LOL wins….

Jokes MUST finish at 5.45pm

Mermaid Theatre

Sponsored Link

127 thoughts on “JOKES JOKES JOKES JOKES

  1. Domestos

    A church’s bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren’t sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it.
    They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job.
    The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past.
    One asked, “Do you know this guy?”
    The second guy responded, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

    1. Domestos

      The next day, the dead bell ringer’s twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below.
      The same two guys walk by.
      The first asks, “Do you know him?”
      The second guy responds, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday.”

      1. Domestos

        This is a pretty uninspired copy and paste of what is actually a very good joke when told with love.

  2. Smashmouth

    Whats the difference between Al Porter and a comedian?

    A comedian makes people laugh

    1. Domestos

      I saw him at a gig last summer in town somewhere and thought he was great. Some accountant from Offaly donned from head to toe in Jack n Jones clobber got torn a new one (open net). Been a while since I’ve seen someone choke to death on their own rage.

  3. David

    I told this joke the other evening to three friends and they’d never heard it before, which is taking-aback-able (or says a lot about my friends):

    A drunk goes up to the pianist and says, “Can you play a jazz chord?” “Yeah, here you go, G flat demented nineteenth.” “No,” says the drunk, “A jazz chord!” “Ok, how’s about P blunt flattened eleventeenth?” “No, you know, a jazz chord.” And the drunk starts to sing, “A jazz chord – – to say – – I love you.”

    1. Mikeyfex

      Wouldn’t that work better if it was a Chinese man instead of a drunk. “A jazz chord – – to say – – A rove you”

      Seriously though, who came up with the name for this?

  4. Joxer

    i usually roll this one out to major groans and head scratching

    a higgs boson walks into church
    Priest shouts “hey you, get out of here”
    Higgs Boson says “why? without me you cant have mass”

    1. David

      You mean this one:

      A man at the doctor’s. The doctor says, “Sorry to tell you this but you’ve got Alzeimer’s and you’ve only got six months to live.”

      The man says, “Well, at least I haven’t got Alzeimer’s.”

  5. Lesley Robinson

    My friend was making pasta for dinner the other day when I told her a joke, she didn’t get it initially but then the penne dropped

  6. David

    QUESTION:
    How many An Taisce members does it take to change a lightbulb?

    ANSWER:
    “Change?”

  7. Squiggleyjoop

    What’s another word for a ‘film theatre’ or ‘picture house’?

    A synonymena

  8. Mikeyfex

    A clergyman named Robert Flaps walked into a bar and as he approached the counter he tripped and fell, clumsily dragging a woman to the ground with him. As they struggled on the ground and the woman exclaimed in shock the Barman leaned over the counter and roared ‘Hey, you can’t do that in here!’. To which the priest said, ‘Excuse me, I beg your pardon, I’m Pastor Flaps!’ and the barman replied ‘Well in that case you better make it quick.’

  9. Zarathustra

    What’s black and dangerous and sits in a tree?
    A crow with a machine gun.

    What does a man with one foot wear when he’s at the beach?
    Flip-Flips.

  10. Domestos

    On a dark night a man and a child walk into the woods. As they get further into the woods the child turns to the man and says, “I’m scared”. The man says, “imagine how I feel, I’ve to try and find my way out of here on my own!.”

  11. David

    Two buckets of sick were walking down the road.

    One said to the other, “I was brought up around here.”

  12. Domestos

    I went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.”

    1. rory

      I accidentally sent a photograph of my penis to everyone in my address book today.
      Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

  13. garthicus

    Two snow men in a field, one turns to the other and says “can you smell carrots?”

  14. Cool_Hand_Lucan

    How do you turn a duck into the greatest soul singer of all time?

    You put it in the microwave till it’s Bill Withers.

  15. Mikeyfex

    May have heard this one. It was voted best joke ever afterall.

    Two friends are hunting and one accidentally shoots the other in the chest. He goes down and is unconscious. In a blind panic the first guy rings 999. He gets through and says ‘I’ve accidentally just shot my friend. I think I’ve killed him! What can I do!’. The operator says ‘sir remain calm, first of all I want you to make sure he is dead, can you do that?’. The operator hears the man drop the phone, then he hears two gun shots, and the phone is picked up again. ‘Ok, I’ve done that, what next?’

  16. David

    Poor young Sean is a little dyslexic. One day in the science lab., his schoolmate said to him, “Can you smell sulphur dioxide?” Sean said, “Smell it? I can’t even smell my own name!”

  17. Romy Thomas

    The wealthy kids that were members of the tennis club wouldn’t have anything to do with us working class kids. So, you know now I’m older, I want the best for my kids, so I enroll them in the tennis club. They love it! I mean I think they do, they won’t have anything to do with me anymore.

  18. mauriac

    A flatulent guy was dining at his girlfriends parents house for the first time.He let’s one rip by mistake.
    -“Spot !” the mother says to the dog.
    Relieved and emboldened he let’s some more gas out.
    -“Spot ! ” the mother shouts at the poor dog.
    Grinning now he makes a loud fart.
    -“Spot ! get over here before he shits on you”

  19. David

    Two sodium atoms were walking down the street.

    One said to the other, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”

    The other said, “Are you sure?”

    The first replied, “Yeah, I’m positive.”

      1. Bad At Memes

        @ bisted;
        It’s ‘Science’ man. Don’t look it up on Google. It’s way too complicated.
        -Don’t do it, I’m serious.

    1. Kieran NYC

      My science teacher used to tell that one frequently.

      Also the one about the polar bear who went swimming.

      He melted.

    2. Caroline

      A molecule of Argon walks into a bar. Barman says “I’m sorry love, we don’t serve the noble gases on here”.
      Argon doesn’t react.

  20. bisted

    …woman walks into a bar…’barman, I’d like a double entendre’…so he gave her one.

      1. Bad At Memes

        Is it a cocktail that I’ve yet to experience?

        I need an answer.
        Give it to me.

        1. Bad At Memes

          I wish I was on FaceBook so as you could poke me.
          I have a hole that needs filling, in my mind.
          Are you up for it?

          1. Bad At Memes

            @bisted.

            You’re making things hard.
            Why don’t you just open up and reveal everything to me?

            I promise it won’t hurt.

          1. Bad At Memes

            Are you a boy or a girl?
            I am.

            (Sorry, I’m still doing that double entendre thing from earlier…running out of stuff…fast….)

  21. realPolithicks

    Schrödinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by cop for speeding. The cop asks “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “No, because we knew where we were.” Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the trunk. He then returns to the window and says “Did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schrödinger replies “Well, we couldn’t be sure until someone looked.”

  22. Bad At Memes

    Broadsheet, I’m not competing, I’m just buzzin’.

    I know I’m the funniest, but I have a job to do and the tickets are no good to me.
    My Guild needs me.

      1. rory

        Politics related joke:
        http://youtu.be/DGscoaUWW2M

        Also,
        What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination?

        HAAAAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE

        Also,
        Who is the greatest Irish-American president of all time?

        Dwight D Eisenhowareyagettinon

        (That last one is from David O’Doherty I think.)

    1. Bad At Memes

      It’s not funny.
      It’s also NSFW’n’kin’.

      You should be ashamed of yourself.
      PM me.

  23. BillyTwelveTrees

    Did ya hear about the Skinhead Jehovah’s witness?

    He’s the one that knocks on your door and tells you to fupp off…

  24. Anne

    My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe.

    Two minutes later he said, “Why haven’t you pulled over yet?”

    I said, “Because we’re still in Dublin.”

    1. Bad At Memes

      Am I to presume from your schtick
      That you’ve been typing too quick?
      Your mind must be troublin’
      If you thought that was Dublin
      The place you were in was Limerick.

      1. Bad At Memes

        Sorry Anne.

        Hey, wouldn’t it be great if we both won tickets and you couldn’t go because it’s too far to travel, so you gave your tickets to me and my mates?

        – Just sayin’, like…

  25. gooch

    Bridie and Mary were in the fruit and veg section when Mary picks up a carrott and says this reminds me of my Johnny God rest him. Why says Bridie, is it because of the size of it? No says Mary, tis because of the dirt of it.

  26. Verbatim

    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
    The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
    The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Grace’.”
    The third Catholic gent says, “My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says ‘Your Eminence’.”
    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, “My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him ‘Your Holiness’.”
    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, “Well …?” She proudly replies, “I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38″ DD bust, 24″ waist and 34” hips. When she walks into a room, everybody says, “Oh My God.”

  27. Johnny Cash

    Did you hear about the time Stevie Wonder picked up a cheese grater by accident?

    He said it was the most violent book he ever read.

    /I’m going to hell for that one.

  28. Usualsuspect

    I know its too late but this one made me laugh
    A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe.
    They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis.
    After a while the weight stretches the penis until it’s 20 inches long.
    Later that evening, as the man was getting out of the shower, his wife said,
    “let’s try the African string and weight technique hon”
    The husband agreed, and they tied a string with a weight to his penis.
    A few days later the wife asked, “how is our little experiment coming along?”.
    The husband replied “Well, it looks like we’re about halfway there”.
    The wife impressed and said, “you mean it’s already grown to 10 inches?”
    “No” the husband replied. “It’s turning black”

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