Ah here.
Controversial new stocking fillers from GrandGrand.
Designer Fergus O’Neill writes:
I’m unashamedly pandering directly to your ‘wonderful’ readers in a desperate bid to buy my dear tiny son all of the obnoxious crap he wants from Santy.
THE ENEMY LIST
A list for keeping track of one’s enemies. I’ll give FIVE of these away to your readers if they complete the sentence. ‘My number 1 enemy is…’THE GILT EDGED BASTARD MUG.
An exquisite gold rimmed, fine bone China mug for Bastards. I’ll give FIVE of these away to your readers if they complete the sentence. ‘I’m a big bastard because…’
Lines must close (on both offers) at MIDNIGHT
Irish-made stocking fillers to broadsheet@broadsheet.ie marked ‘Irish-made stocking fillers’ No fee.
UPDATE:
Winners:
Enemy List: Don Pidgeoni, Clampers, Neilo, Kevin and Fluffy Biscuits
Bastard mug:Regista, Billytwelvetrees, Stephen, 15 cents and David.
A few clowns on that list for sure.
Don’t hate the player, hate the game Jonotti!
Spelt yo name wrong too Pidge
Fascists, complete and utter fascists….
I think I deserve one for the slur against my good avatar name!
Hear, hear… and after all the effort you’ve made, living in London and being a Kiwi, to Irish-ise your name too!
You should get a medal Dón !
That’s right, I added fadas for these bastards and there is no respect, none at all!!
*slurps pint, teeters dangerously on chair*
LOL!
My number 1 enemy is: myself
‘My number 1 enemy is… going to drown in the blood of their own worst nightmares for Iam the shape that waits at the edge of their dreams, the shape of things to come:- The Deathbringer….
I’m a big bastard because I bought all the Adele tickets to resell at extortionate prices
My number 1 enemy is Lawrie McMenemy
I’m a big bastard because a chunky by-blow I was
My number one enemy is [redacted] because he [redacted]
My number 1 enemy is my number 2(s)
I’m a big bastard because I eat too much KFC
would you not go 96pages? This is Ireland…
‘My number 1 enemy is… the friend of my enemy.’
im a big bastard because im overweight and my dad is dead.
ps. guna use this opportunity being able to say bastard without gettin blocked by BS … bastard bastard bastard bastard bastard BIG HAIRY bastard bastard go on ya smelly oul bastard ya diryty lookin stupid bastard … ah. content.
My number 1 enemy is the cat from next door. I know he keeps rats out of my overgrown garden but I hate him and he hates me! Doesn’t mean I don’t respect him!
My number 1 enemy is always all big bastards.
I am a big bastard because I eat all my bastard enemies.
I’m a big bastard because I’m an overweight giant, born out of wedlock.
I’m a big bastard because my number 1 enemy is me.
My number 1 enemy is.
(I’m using mindfulness these days).
Look Ma, I made a list.
No Ma!! Mani move… out of the way! Let Ma see!
Look Ma, I made it, I made it…. onto… a naughty list!
* smug face *
They spelt my name wrong…
*sigh*
And is it Good Helen or Bad Helen? Or Helen 2.0?
That’s the bloody question on everyone’s lips !
I don’t want to be part of any list that would have me as a member !
Ah, secretly you’re pleased :)
Yay!!
My number one enemy is my aunt Pat
Only because she has less meat on her than a spare rib , she has the diplomacy skills of Ian Paisley and she thinks Im a tear away (because I threw a party in her sisters house 15 years ago and a few chairs were broken)
She tried to provoke me on facebook talking crap so I just clicked like on everything she said, made her annoyed even more :D
Hero!
My number one enemy is any dog with a leg cocked !
I’m a big bastard because I am illegitimate and therefore a bastard in the eyes of the law.
My number 1 enemy is… the fridge.
I’m a big bastard because…I refer you to my previous answer.
I am a big bastard because as the illegitimate son of Robert I and his mistress Herleva my status as the first Norman King of England was constantly in dispute, but enough about me …….
My number 1 enemy is Helen, because she has the same name as me and talks rubbish giving Helen’s everywhere a bad name. She makes me wish I’d used my full name so she couldn’t use t cos I was here first *pouts and crosses arms defensively*
I’m a big bastard because I ate all the chocolates out of the Christmas advent calendar and it’s only the 4th of December..
That’s fairly tame
I’d mine emptied by the 1st ad break on the Toy Show
I’m a big bastard because, many years ago in a handball alley down the country.
A blush of boys were about to play 5 a side soccer. I counted the blush and
noticed there was only 9. I asked could I be the 10th. I was told, ask Eddie it’s his ball.
I proceeded to the centre of the alley where Eddie was kneeling beside the ball tying his lace.
I said, Eddie! Gis a game! he replied in a very Nasally tone, NAW! I asked again. Ah Gwan, Gis a game ya need 1 more for 5 a side. He Nasally repeated. NAW! I thought what a Bastard… Then I took out my knob and pissed on his head. As I walked away I thought! He’s not a Bastard. I’m a Bastard. I’m A Big Bastard…
My no 1 enemy is laziness due to the fact that I’m a big bastard because….
My no1 enemy can f**** off the rat b******. But I married his bird…mwah ha ha
Waaaahahaha :)
I’m a big bastard because I want to buy my girlfriends mother a Geebag mug for Christmas and tell her it means Grandmother in Irish and she won’t understand coz she’s Italian (our baby is due tomorrow and will literally be a bastard and will hopefully be passed the mug when s/he advances from beakers).
My number 1 enemy is a sea anemone. I’m a big bastard because the sea anemone eats small fish and shrimp and I eat sea anemones.
My number 1 enemy is Discrimination, in all its measly forms.
P.S. Donation given to Flavo’s nominated Capuchin Day Centre for use of his Hoop-a-tar ;)
My number 1 enemy is
Da’ effin Spud.
I’m a big bastard because
Dos’ effin spuds
My number 1 enemy is my inability to keep lists
Im actually a pretty decent guy and try not to be a bastard to anyone unless they’re a selfish, arrogant wanker. But now i can see there’s no currency in that and you get more kudos in being a horrible bastard. I now feel duty bound to be a right bastard to everyone and ye only have yourselves to blame.
Ah the aul reverse psychology trick Scottser, ya bastard!
Encouragement already, ya dirty bastard bertie..
Any word on the winners? I’m due a prize, natch
Mid-night you selfish bastard. It takes one to know one.
@Verbatim (vɜːˈbeɪtɪm)
Bodger at 3:35 pm December 4, 2015.
What Mid-night Would you like?
Woo. It’s official. I’m a big bastard. Mummy will be pleased.
It worked!!!
So many enemies….