Gerry Adams (left) and Michaél Martin
The author has done the maths and checked the form.
In a week’s time we will have a grand green coalition.
Frilly Keane writes:
Since this thing was called, it’s been poll-over after poll-over, helter skelter games with the seat numbers, and errors of margin that only qualify one poll as being identical to another.
I’m not complaining I love this sport; from the selection conventions to the church gate durty’shoulders to get ta’the spare spot in the funeral party’ pew; from the state of the Leader debates to the lawlessness of the Count.
I’m positively horny about your Frill-bit this week.
Hopefully I’ve timed this particular climax just as Noonan is finally recognised for the creep he is, and Enda is still plastered in debate sh1t he can’t scrub off, and Joan. Well. Joan. It’s all over bar the crying speech, the Garda escort into the night, the tributes, the lump sums, the handy gigs, the Marian’s and the Miriam’s.
A Republican Government.
I’m not being sentimental and it’s not my notorious Tiocfidh showing its influence. It’s for real. You read it right. A Republican Government.
From my most recent set of sums, the Shinners have 50 runners, and the FFSakers, 72.
Since polls don’t really consider the PR system, to someone like me who has a nose for the transfer markets, they’re useless.
So I’ve actually gone from Constituency to Constituency and sniffed around the FF/SF candidates one by one meself, and I’ve inspected the local tracks to get a better suss of the running conditions.
So I’m sticking with my New Year’s numbers: 70 – 72 ish seats between the two Republican Parties. I’m going with 37 – 40 Shinner, 33-37 FFSakers. The head is on the block. And I’ve no problem leaving it there since I’m also predicting that Donegal Pearse will fill two more seats on his surplus + transfers.
The Soldiers of Destiny have only themselves to blame for handing The Republican Party Top Table spots over to the Mary-Lous.
And it all started when Mickey Martin refused to let Eamonn O’Cuiv run for the Áras. What the FFs did by snubbing that election was ordain Martin McGuinness as the Republican President, and while Mrs Windsor had a grand time in Cork, she all but curtseyed when Martin Mc came to visit, she made him a Statesman. The King of the North.
I still believe that if O’Cuiv had’a ran, Martin McGuinness wouldn’t have seen a quarter of those 1st preferences. In fact, I don’t think Martin would have ran against O’Cuiv. (Ach sin sceal eile.)
It may look like Mickey and his backseat bhoys are doing everything they can to run away from the banner they still use “The Republican Party” with their NO NO NO to any mention of a Coalition with the other Republican Party. But I actually think they’re scared sh1tless. Not so much about the prospect of Martin Ferris giving one’a them a good clatter, but that they will be found out.
Found out for the Empty Shirt, H.dips, Jobs for the Boys, Dynasty Seat Fillers, Galway Tent Brigades they really are, and not the Republican Party they got too grand for. The Republican Party they’re afraid of standing up for. The Republican Party they’ve forgotten they once were. The FFs are a scared of where they are from. (That makes them BlueShirts btw)
Over the last few days I’ve being driving myself stupid trying to do the seating arrangements around the Cabinet table. The state the last crowd left the place in is not worth working with, so rather than suggest who could manage the portfolio for both Gaeltacht Affairs AND Natural Resources with any effectiveness; I’ve isolated a few biggies for the purposes of this gig, and bundled in a few portfolios. I have also introduced a third party. You’ll see why in a sec.
Republican Government 2016
Chief Whip Mary Hanafin. FF. She has to be in there somewhere, but we need to keep her ProLife Family Values (my arse) claws out of Justice, Health, Ed. Hanafin is the ‘wan for this, she’ll have them all in line, and they’d be no blaggarding in the Dáil bar when she’s in charge.
Health: Roisin Shortall. SD. (Best there is for this 14 Billion+ monster) Pearse should be in the gig, but he’s needed somewhere else.
Juniors: Máire Devine. SF. (Just by turning up she’ll out perform Kat’leen Lynch)
Chris Andrews. SF, (also to gig in Justice & Social Welfare)
And if Jim O’Callaghan FF gets past the post, he can do a good job here and with a Justice brief.
Finance: Pearse SF, Michael McGrath FF, and Catherine Murphy SD , the latter working with Banking, Corruption and Statutory Bodies and to double job in Justice. The FFer to focus on Public Expenditure & Reform. But they answer to PoD.
Foreign Affairs Mary Lou. (and a few former Shinner Warriors Gerry, Martin Etc)
Minister for Social Protection etc Joint Venture with Caomhin O C. SF and Timmy Dooley FF. Both daycent, hardworking and not afraid to admit they get it wrong. Both are also savvy enough to know when reach out and seek independent expertise if required.
Justice: Annuder JV: Donnacadh Ó’Laoghaire SF, James Browne FF, & Catherine Murphy SD
Ed: Mickey Martin FF & Carol Nolan SF. Both teachers, I know, but Mickey has big ministry experience and Carol Nolan is a ‘wan to watch imo
Ag, Food Seán Ó’Fearghail FF. Former party whip who is a grafter and does it all without whinging to the press, smirking for the camera and gets his sh1t done. He knows how to work with people so he should pick his own Jrs.
Trade & Transport Willie O’Wee is well able for this as a soloist, but I would shove Niall Collins in here too. Two FFers, without complaining or causing ructions, would make up the damage Marmy O’Rourke did when she was there.
Sports, Tourism, Culchees Etc Martin Ferris & Eamon O’Cuiv
Science, Innovation, Enterprise etc Darren O’Rourke SF. A lad with a CV you won’t see in any of the Big Parties. Doesn’t need a Jnr
Arts Heritage Gaeltacht Seamus Browne SF with a dig out from O’Cuiv
Environment, Community & Local Government John McGuinness FF (No Jrs, no-one would work wi’im tbh) I also think the Shinners should lay’ve him at it. They’ve need to move on from community and local authorities and widen their working profiles into the big budget/ industrial departments. If some ballast is needed, bring Mattie in from the Indo benches.
Communications Energy etc Put Billy Kelliher FF and Eoin O’Broin SF in here. They can manage each other and keep to themselves without anyone knowing they’re Ministers.
Special Minister without Portfolio Gerry. This gig was created originally for Pat Rabbitte back when. Not that I would dream of saying there’s a bitta “same sh1t different bucket” going on, but Gerry can’t add any skills or experience to a Government department, nor is it worth the taxpayer’s indulgence to train him in.
He could do a meet and greet role in Defence and in Foreign Affairs/ Trade. But one thing’s for sure, I can’t wait to see Ur’Ger’reee with his Garda Minders and Drivers.
I didn’t bother with the 15+ other gigs currently held by the last government. Not because I wasn’t arsed but they don’t seem important enough to be taken into consideration.
A few things ye should note before the hidin’ starts.
The majority of the Shinner Candidates have CVs that should put all the other parties to shame. Meritocracy trumps. So Tough Shit to all the usual bigger party suspects, passengers, gender quota winners and waggoneers, (I’m looking at you Colm Keavney btw.) Look at each of those gigs, and picture them filled with FFs& FGers…Did some sick just come into your mouth?
Have an idea about AG. But thought the better of posting it here.
FFs should remember a SF coalition will keep manners on John McGuinness for them.
I deliberately suspended Taoiseach and Tánaiste. I don’t see the need in the short term.
All parties in Government can have their own boss for Ard Fheis speech and to be in charge of the Lotto Syndicate. But the titles n’trappings within the next Government are just Vanity. Health Ed Finance Housing etc need all the Ministerial time, skill and resources they can get.
Remember. Vote early n’often. If you don’t know who to vote for. Give them all your Number 1.
And anyone that votes for Noonan, The Curse of Frilly Keane on ye all. May ye get flooded, again, and again, and again, may ye all get Lime Disease and a dose of the scour that has yere arses burning for a fortnight.
BTW, is yer man in the TV3 tan Noel Cunningham an’ting to Sean Fleming?
Frilly Keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow her on Twitter: @frillykeane