please turn this into a Dad’s joke thread.. otherwise all is lost
mildred st. meadowlark
YES. DO IT.
(I suggest getting Bertie and Hoop on the case)
realPolithicks
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
Janet, I ate my avatar
Why was the cheese loving circus mouse unhappy ?
He only had one Stilton
Janet, I ate my avatar
What ya call a hard boiled egg on a motorbike ?
A mad yoke
ahjayzis
Yolk.
I see your dad joke thread and I raise you a grammar-nazi-off.
Janet, I ate my avatar
I humbly bow out in advance
I speak two languages badly
and no one with a Scottish parent has any business pretending they can spell..
my excuse and I’m sticking to it
mildred st. meadowlark
Do you have a lovely lilting Scots accent lurking in there?
Janet, I ate my avatar
lurking the correct word.. surfaces when I turn green and burst out of my troussers
mildred st. meadowlark
That sounds so sexy. Give it to me.
Janet, I ate my avatar
little minx .. rolls rrrrs
mildred st. meadowlark
*swoons*
Janet, I ate my avatar
my work here is done
Deluded
bravo!
bertie blenkinsop
The DSPCA have such tiny offices – You couldn’t swing a cat in them.
scottser
what do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
bertie blenkinsop
Kids love this one –
I know every single product in the Argos book.
Don’t believe me?
Pick a number between 1 and 10,000.
……….
Sorry, out of stock.
Janet, I ate my avatar
4.30 on the dot I’m playing that one
Nigel
I live next door to a hospital but the constant sound of one particular siren is making me get out of bed every night and wander the house in my sleep. I have a problem with somnambulance.
bertie blenkinsop
I watched a documentary on how ships are made, it was riveting.
Gorev Mahagut
I watched a documentary about drilling for oil, it was boring.
Spaghetti Hoop
I watched a Newsnight about cyanide, it was deadly.
scottser
i knew a carpenter’s daughter.
she would.
scottser
i got a new job circumcising elephants. the pay is terrrible but the tips are massive.
Happy Molloy
The phone is ringing!
Dad – what do you expect it to do, yodel?
bertie blenkinsop
My da used to say…
then dry it !
Janet, I ate my avatar
sure where would you be going with no bell on your bike and your knickers wringing
Bertie Blenkinsop
I read a book about the inventor of superglue, I couldn’t put it down
Bertie Blenkinsop
That was supposed to be up there ^^^
Spaghetti Hoop
Not me. I started it but couldn’t stick it.
Casey
I couldn’t bond with the main character
Janet, I ate my avatar
Can I watch the TV Dad ?
yep but don’t turn it on
Bertie Blenkinsop
* Holding up letter *
What does that say Da?
It doesn’t say anything, you have to read it
Janet, I ate my avatar
not a joke but favourite saying
“The things you see when you forget your gun”
Brother Barnabas
My grandad’s favourite – told around 11,000 times:
Why don’t skeletons go on holidays?
Because they have nobody to go with.
Starina
why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?
Becausr one egg is un oeuf
mildred st. meadowlark
I love this.
I should point out I’m crap at anything like this, so I’m just here to admire.
Do you come here often or is the floor always slippy?
Janet, I ate my avatar
dirty Daddy
bertie blenkinsop
Who’s your Da, Hugh Hefner?
Kieran Nice Young Chap
Whoa! Ha!
Andyourpointiswhatexactly?
Why were the baker’s hands brown?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Bertie Blenkinsop
Here’s another one kids love:
I wish I were a glow worm,
I never would be glum,
cos how can you be cranky,
when the sun shines out your bum.
Andyourpointiswhatexactly?
What kind of bees give milk?
Boobies
scottser
i took the kids to the zoo the other day. it only had one animal in it, a dog. it was a shi tzu.
DD
MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!
Deluded
: D
Stop me if I’ve told this one already…
… a guard stops a car and it’s full of penguins and he says “Where are you going with all the penguins?” and the driver says “The zoo!”
so the guard says “Fair enough” and waves her on.
The next day the guard stops the car again and it’s full of penguins and he says to the driver “I thought you brought them to the zoo!” and the driver says “I did, and now I’m bringing them to the cinema”.
bertie blenkinsop
Ha! :D
Robbing that :)
RockyRoader
So what’s good about Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus for a start……
bertie blenkinsop
The Italian wartime flag, a white Cross on a white background.
(spike milligan I think)
I don’t get it.
please turn this into a Dad’s joke thread.. otherwise all is lost
YES. DO IT.
(I suggest getting Bertie and Hoop on the case)
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.
Why was the cheese loving circus mouse unhappy ?
He only had one Stilton
What ya call a hard boiled egg on a motorbike ?
A mad yoke
Yolk.
I see your dad joke thread and I raise you a grammar-nazi-off.
I humbly bow out in advance
I speak two languages badly
and no one with a Scottish parent has any business pretending they can spell..
my excuse and I’m sticking to it
Do you have a lovely lilting Scots accent lurking in there?
lurking the correct word.. surfaces when I turn green and burst out of my troussers
That sounds so sexy. Give it to me.
little minx .. rolls rrrrs
*swoons*
my work here is done
bravo!
The DSPCA have such tiny offices – You couldn’t swing a cat in them.
what do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?
Kids love this one –
I know every single product in the Argos book.
Don’t believe me?
Pick a number between 1 and 10,000.
……….
Sorry, out of stock.
4.30 on the dot I’m playing that one
I live next door to a hospital but the constant sound of one particular siren is making me get out of bed every night and wander the house in my sleep. I have a problem with somnambulance.
I watched a documentary on how ships are made, it was riveting.
I watched a documentary about drilling for oil, it was boring.
I watched a Newsnight about cyanide, it was deadly.
i knew a carpenter’s daughter.
she would.
i got a new job circumcising elephants. the pay is terrrible but the tips are massive.
The phone is ringing!
Dad – what do you expect it to do, yodel?
My da used to say…
then dry it !
sure where would you be going with no bell on your bike and your knickers wringing
I read a book about the inventor of superglue, I couldn’t put it down
That was supposed to be up there ^^^
Not me. I started it but couldn’t stick it.
I couldn’t bond with the main character
Can I watch the TV Dad ?
yep but don’t turn it on
* Holding up letter *
What does that say Da?
It doesn’t say anything, you have to read it
not a joke but favourite saying
“The things you see when you forget your gun”
My grandad’s favourite – told around 11,000 times:
Why don’t skeletons go on holidays?
Because they have nobody to go with.
why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?
Becausr one egg is un oeuf
I love this.
I should point out I’m crap at anything like this, so I’m just here to admire.
Da, where are you going?
Ans: I’m going mad.
.
.
.
An old regular in the Clampers household :)
When I told my Da that Lady Bertie was pregnant with our first kid
“Oh great, now I’m gonna be sleeping with a Granny”.
haha
Looking forward to using that when the day comes (a long way away)
Looking at my eldest’s FB page, I doubt the day is too far away for me :D
Oh dear…
I did that to Mammy Meadowlark. She near died of shock.
The words “But I’m too young to be a Nana,” come shriekingly to mind.
Try online dating when you’re over 40……. be prepared for all the granny’s and grandad’s…. your own age… to come out of nowhere. It was depressing :(
I got over it tho.
How?
I stopped online dating.
‘or’ not and… unless that’s your thing :)
Clearly re-Kindling his love life.
Ipad-y his attempts…
Pretty sure Lenin knew Communism would never work, I mean, there were red flags everywhere….
HAHAHA! Love it!
Cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho-cheese!!
What cheese do you use to get a Koala out of a tree?
Camembert!
Impolite chili?
Gets jalapeno face
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
I am literally hated in my home environment.
Can I keep you? That was spectacular.
It wears off, believe me. Quickly.
Well, ya put your foot in it
What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Philippe F-lop
what do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs?
gracias
i just let out a disgusting cackle and i’m going to tell that to my french coworker at the first chance i get.
What did the farmer say when the bull died?
No more bullsh**
Do you come here often or is the floor always slippy?
dirty Daddy
Who’s your Da, Hugh Hefner?
Whoa! Ha!
Why were the baker’s hands brown?
Because he kneaded a poo.
Here’s another one kids love:
I wish I were a glow worm,
I never would be glum,
cos how can you be cranky,
when the sun shines out your bum.
What kind of bees give milk?
Boobies
i took the kids to the zoo the other day. it only had one animal in it, a dog. it was a shi tzu.
MAKE IT STOP, PLEASE!
: D
Stop me if I’ve told this one already…
… a guard stops a car and it’s full of penguins and he says “Where are you going with all the penguins?” and the driver says “The zoo!”
so the guard says “Fair enough” and waves her on.
The next day the guard stops the car again and it’s full of penguins and he says to the driver “I thought you brought them to the zoo!” and the driver says “I did, and now I’m bringing them to the cinema”.
Ha! :D
Robbing that :)
So what’s good about Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus for a start……
The Italian wartime flag, a white Cross on a white background.
(spike milligan I think)
What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
A Hippo is heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Real Hoop Dad joke on passing double-humped Celtic burial ground; ‘only women buried there, wha’.
(follied by triumphant fart and cackle)
The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree
Grandad Casey….
Want to hear a great joke I have about paper?
(silence) (shakes head)
Actually no, I’m not telling you, it’s tearible…..
I presume it’s in his iPad?