From top: Two cows; Tony Groves
Irish Socialism: You have 2 cows. They don’t get along. They each claim their milk is the best in the country. But neither of them has ever produced any milk.
Irish Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You eat both. You ask the EU to lend you 2 more cows. You again eat both. The EU calls you to ask why you’ve not fulfilled your milk quota. You stall them and ask the IMF for 2 more cows. Once again you eat both. The EU and the IMF then come to Dublin looking for their milk. You’re out shopping at a Bulgarian Property Expo.
Irish Libertarianism: You have 2 cows. You demand that everyone else be issued with 2 cows. But only after you’ve sold 1 cow, bought a bull, increased your herd and gotten a government contract to supply cows.
Fine Gael: You have 2 cows. You sell 1 cow and force the other cow to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later, you commission an inquiry into the cow’s death.
Fianna Fáil: You have 2 cows. You kill them. You get 2 more cows and promise this time it will be better. You kill them, again.
Sinn Féin: You have 2 cows. You’d like to grow your herd, but nobody will sell you a bull.
The Social Democrats: You have 2 cows. You used to have 3.
The Labour Party: You have 2 cows. You gave them to Fine Gael in 2011. 5 years later you asked for them back. They don’t respond to your request. You ask the public for 2 new cows. They don’t respond to your request.
AAA/PBP: You have 2 cows. You give them to the party and then demand the government give you 2 more.
The Green Party: You have 2 cows. You love them.
Leoliberalism: You have 2 cows. They are very attractive but their milk is conservative and bland.
Simon Coveney: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to Greencore. You then execute a debt for equity swap, ensuring you the rights to 4 cows.
You then sell the milking rights of 5 cows via an intermediary to a Holding Company based in Luxembourg, who then issue you a deed for 6 cows.
Your annual report says you own 7 cows, with the option of 2 more.
Meanwhile, your 2 cows are living in emergency accommodation.
Gerry Adams: You have 2 cows. No one buys your milk. But that’s not the substantive issue…
Catherine Murphy: You have 2 cows. If it wasn’t for Dáil privilege no one would have known how they’d been treated.
Brendan Howlin: You have 2 cows. You decreased their feed and demand they produce more milk. One dies and the other emigrates and is forced to work as horse. You blame Socialism.
Paul Murphy: You have 2 cows. You organise a sit down protest, block all the roads and demand you get 3 cows over a megaphone.
Micheal Martin: You have 2 cows. You eat 1 and milk the other. You then throw the milk away, because Paul Murphy got elected on a promise to be lactose intolerant.
Enda Kenny: You have 2 cows. 42 years later you discover 1 of them is a donkey.
Tony Groves is a full-time financial consultant and part-time commentator. With over 18 years experience in the financial industry and a keen interest in politics, history and “being ornery”, he has published one book and writes regularly at Trickstersworld
Top pic: Joe Fox via Saatchi Gallery