Two Cows Explain Irish Politics


From top: Two cows; Tony Groves

Irish Socialism: You have 2 cows. They don’t get along. They each claim their milk is the best in the country. But neither of them has ever produced any milk.

Irish Capitalism:
You have 2 cows. You eat both. You ask the EU to lend you 2 more cows. You again eat both. The EU calls you to ask why you’ve not fulfilled your milk quota. You stall them and ask the IMF for 2 more cows. Once again you eat both. The EU and the IMF then come to Dublin looking for their milk. You’re out shopping at a Bulgarian Property Expo.

Irish Libertarianism: You have 2 cows. You demand that everyone else be issued with 2 cows. But only after you’ve sold 1 cow, bought a bull, increased your herd and gotten a government contract to supply cows.

Fine Gael:
You have 2 cows. You sell 1 cow and force the other cow to produce the milk of 4 cows. Later, you commission an inquiry into the cow’s death.

Fianna Fáil
: You have 2 cows. You kill them. You get 2 more cows and promise this time it will be better. You kill them, again.

Sinn Féin: You have 2 cows. You’d like to grow your herd, but nobody will sell you a bull.

The Social Democrats:
You have 2 cows. You used to have 3.

The Labour Party: You have 2 cows. You gave them to Fine Gael in 2011. 5 years later you asked for them back. They don’t respond to your request. You ask the public for 2 new cows. They don’t respond to your request.

AAA/PBP: You have 2 cows. You give them to the party and then demand the government give you 2 more.

The Green Party:
You have 2 cows. You love them.

Leoliberalism: You have 2 cows. They are very attractive but their milk is conservative and bland.

Simon Coveney: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to Greencore. You then execute a debt for equity swap, ensuring you the rights to 4 cows.
You then sell the milking rights of 5 cows via an intermediary to a Holding Company based in Luxembourg, who then issue you a deed for 6 cows.
Your annual report says you own 7 cows, with the option of 2 more.
Meanwhile, your 2 cows are living in emergency accommodation.

Gerry Adams: You have 2 cows. No one buys your milk. But that’s not the substantive issue…

Catherine Murphy: You have 2 cows. If it wasn’t for Dáil privilege no one would have known how they’d been treated.

Brendan Howlin: You have 2 cows. You decreased their feed and demand they produce more milk. One dies and the other emigrates and is forced to work as horse. You blame Socialism.

Paul Murphy: You have 2 cows. You organise a sit down protest, block all the roads and demand you get 3 cows over a megaphone.

Micheal Martin:
You have 2 cows. You eat 1 and milk the other. You then throw the milk away, because Paul Murphy got elected on a promise to be lactose intolerant.

Enda Kenny:
You have 2 cows. 42 years later you discover 1 of them is a donkey.

Tony Groves is a full-time financial consultant and part-time commentator. With over 18 years experience in the financial industry and a keen interest in politics, history and “being ornery”, he has published one book and writes regularly at Trickstersworld

Top pic: Joe Fox via Saatchi Gallery

42 thoughts on “Two Cows Explain Irish Politics

  1. Clampers Outside!

    The Catholic Church
    *mouth full of an organic beef sandwich*

    “Thou shalt… nom-nom…. have no… nom-a-nom-nom…. sacred cows before me!….. *bleurrrrgggh* “

    1. Adama

      Would it not be more appropriate that Cerberus would rent you the milk for an excessive amount?

          1. Frilly Keane

            Cerberus are just a fancy Office services set up; same as Lapithus
            typing letters
            making calls
            issuing statements
            making purchases

            on behalf of Apollo

            In fact is well known that Cerberus were acting for Prom etc when buying the Ulster Bank bundle

  2. mildred st. meadowlark

    Tony, that was funny. And I needed that after the disaster that was last night’s sleep. So thanks, my dear.

    1. Liam Deliverance

      Same here Mildred, usually sleep like a log but was a terrible sleep last night, not sure why, possibly the Sunday evening fear got the best of me, anyway have a busy day and an early night!

  3. Willie Banjo

    Donald Trump: You have two cows. They are the best cows in the world. They are going to provide so much milk that it will be tremendous. They will provide so much milk – and honey – it will be so simple, you won’t believe it. They also speak Russian.

  4. Casey

    Irish politicians:
    The Nation has two cows. We should sell them off for short term gain and long term fuppwittery and shure what do we know about looking after cows anyway.

    (Sells all the cows to foreign investors despite a number of Irish people expressing interest and experience in looking after cows)

    Price of milk goes through the roof and people have to make choices between milk or eating or milk or heating.

    Reports of giant milkstools are reported around Dublin skylines – wahay lads, we’re back – milk based capichinos for everyone. (Nation rolls eyes, Dublin estate agents roll €50 bills as fidget spinners)

  5. Rob_G

    That was pretty funny.

    But are there any Irish Libertarians? The closest thing that comes to mind is Renua, and they are very much in favour of government control of women’s ovaries.

  6. Milking_It

    What about Leo V.? You’ve 2 cows. Both cows get up early. one cow is to snitch on the other for cheating mediocre social benefits due to unable to produce required minimum milk quota when is actually producing loads, causing mistrust and paranoia between the 2 cows.

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