Cheating Cheaters Cheat Us All

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Notice: some reader discretion advised. Contains intimate bawdiness.

And you thought you were having a bad Summer?

‘Broken-Hearted’  writes:

Loving a person always includes a possibility of betrayal. You open up a piece if your life to them and share with them all the cliches of hopes and dreams and worries and other emotionally divested items of our existence.

I asked Broadsheet could I lay out these issues as I need to make sense of it not just in my head.

Wednesday just gone I came back from work and sat down with my boyfriend Harry who is a good deal older than me by about ten years. I am a lad of thirty odd but erring on the wrong side of thirty who has been faithful and always will be.

Harry and myself settle down to watch some TV, it’s been a long day and I am sticky as fly paper from the heat. Harry informs me at about 7 he is going to bed and at 8.30 I pop in to check on him as he is sprawled out in bed and its gone nippy so I pull the duvet over him and tuck him in. As per usual his phone has fallen under the pillow so

I stick it in to charge it for him as I often do. The minute I plug the phone in a notification shoots up from a gay dating app. Curiosity killed the cat but in this case it got the cat and ran over it twenty times and let its miaows turn into blood curdling screams.

On the phone were photos Harry had swapped with various men from him in his underwear (which was akin to seeing a Hippo in a tutu) to photos of him in poses with his manhood as stiff as his grandmother’s corpse.

I just totally lost it, screamed the house down and threw the phone at him. Demanded an answer. I’m a very easy going guy, I like an easy life but this hit the anger button.

He woke from a slumber (and he was semi drunk) and I asked him about his infedelities – he lied at first but then admitted to four of them. Four different guys who had sucked him off and he sucked off two of them who he had just decided to shag fully and that’s just the ones he admitted to.

There was no apology and all that came out was a remorseless stare, like a dumb overweight Labrador. I ran to friends next door and got him out that night. Nothing from that night I remember much suffice to say I grew into rage of hatred and anger.

The hatred has subsided and the anger is going. I stayed with my best friend and his wife, two people who pick up the pieces who are my second family.

My relationship was not perfect. It was a veritable mix of him having health issues and a sex life that was non existent for over a year. I tried my best to help him as he jacked in his job at Xmas and I was paying the rent. I travelled to get away from the issues.

Friday night came and he was in the house after I went away for the day. At this stage this whole experience felt like it had destroyed me. He was in the spare room so I called him in and asked him why he did it, he answered in a sullen tone “I don’t know”.

There was perhaps some remorse but it appeared to be feigned and I got an apology but this was with eyes buried into the floor so far that they could cut the tiles.

Nothing felt legit about the apology, it was almost remorseless but at this stage I do not care I think. I threw him out again and sat down and made myself a coffee and decided the best thing to do was to stick to the old adage “the best way of getting over someone is to get underneath someone else”.

Feeling sorry for myself a pity f*** could do me the world of wonders and at least I could bury myself into soulless sex at three in the morning and not think about the consequences, feel wanted for three quarters of an hour, shoot my load and go home. It didn’t quite work out that way.

I hooked up with a fella three minutes away. Nothing major in that except we had a conversation in which he told me about a relationship of sorts he was in and it was three way.

He described this guy he was in love with and that his boyfriend was possessive or an arsehole of sorts. I told him my own scenario. After I left I got a message to say that he was sorry but he had put two and two together and he was talking about Harry and me.

I laughed but Saturday morning this just destroyed me altogether more. I got him to confirm my boyfriend’s surname and phone number which he did.

So here I am dealing with physical cheating, lies,a lack of remorse and to add to it all the worst of it all – emotional cheating. One night stands I could sit down and work out but this? Harry had told me he hated himself to a certain degree was he trying to make himself better via casual sex and stroke his own ego?

Today is five days since all this happened. I’m not looking for the sympathy of people but to say that out of the ashes rises a phoenix. I had extremely dark thoughts in my mind for a split second. I have just been for an STI test and tonight Harry is getting his marching orders to get the hell out and pay my rent for next month so I can sort out another house mate.

Its through a network of friends and family that I am moving on. Harry is not well and has a number of issues and I want to be compassionate not for reasons of my ego but because I feel genuinely sorry for Harry.

Break ups for whatever reason are tough but in some circumstances are worse than death in that we grieve for the loss of a relationship but that person is still alive. Take solace from the fact – life goes on and the world keeps spinning, we have to move along too.

The author is a long-standing Broadsheet commenter who has asked to remain anonymous.

89 thoughts on “Cheating Cheaters Cheat Us All

    1. Rob_G

      ahahahahaha

      but seriously – you sound better off out of it with that gobpoo, anon. Best of luck, and the best way to get over someone is to get under someone ;)

      1. Lilly

        I disagree. He’s in no fit state to get under anyone. I’d say stay single until you feel okay again.

        1. mildred st. meadowlark

          Great point Lilly.

          Did exactly that following a very nasty break up and slept around like it was going out style. It did me absolutely no favours in the end, only made me feel cheap and grubby a lot of the time (there was, admittedly, some fantastic sex, and the occasional nice guy, but that was far less often than I’d hoped) and left my already shaky self-esteem in tatters.

          Eventually I stopped. It took a death in the family to really make me stop and look at myself, but after that I decided to take time for me. I stopped sleeping around, getting stupid drunk and took care of myself, focusing on things that made me happy, and my friends and family. And it worked. Really did.

          Found a new career, found out who my real friends are, and started living the way I wanted to – and was happy. And then, when I was really and truly happy in the life I had, and in myself, I met Mr Meadowlark.

          And instead of him being my happiness (which had been the case in the pervious relationship) he added to my happiness.

          Finding out what makes YOU happy, how you want to live to be happy, is far more important than being tied to another person. Try to find out all that makes you happy – take time to do it, enjoy that time – because, honestly, that’s far more important.

          Also, sorry for the impossibly long comment.

          1. mildred st. meadowlark

            Thanks :)

            Hope that the anonymous contributor finds something of it useful. Also, that Harry is clearly a complete arseflap so he’s well shot of him. It’ll just take a while ’til he feels good about that. The first few months are absolute crap. <3

          2. :-Joe

            Sound advice.. find some level of whatever the abstract term happtness means to you and keep building on it.

            :-J

          3. 2 cultural items (Memes)

            Is this Dr. Phil or Jeremy Kyle?

            Don’t Judge me Judy but I love both of those guys, and thought I ought to get it out in the open.
            You can probably imagine how hard it is. I know it’s hard for you too.
            It’s most likely a bit too hard for anyone to admit it, but sometimes submission is your only option.
            So what if the outcome is messier than expected? They made their bed…they can lie in it*.

            Ruminate on it before you open your mouth. It’s a stiff one.

            And please, remember…
            We all come here, some more often than others.
            Respect to all the single ladies under 40yrs of age.

            *They can tell lies

          4. 2 cultural items (Memes)

            I should not be still banging on like this, but I never know when to stop.
            I have an abnormal heart condition.

            Either be firm, stand up or bend over and say you’re not a man.
            I’ll look after you either way, even if you’re lying.

            Make all your entendrez doubles, but leave your intended single.

  1. missred

    Ah god. I’m so sorry to hear this. Please take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you. You won’t be burdening them. It’ll be a long old road from here. Sending virtual hugs

  2. peetur

    Without sounding uncaring, this is nothing new. I have heard this story a hundred times. It’s pretty common on the gay scene. There are many, many solid stable relationships too. I am not quite sure why you feel the need to tell your Broadsheet “friends”.
    Let me guess. You still love him.

    1. Anusia Grennell

      It’s pretty common on the straight scene too. It might even be where the idea came from tbh. I don’t know why he went public with this story but many people share their experiences in print / online and often it can help others going though the same thing or maybe it just helps the author. There’s nothing wrong with a little bit- *scratch that*- A LOT of self-help. What’s really unhelpful is when people are judged for it in comments sections. There was no onus on you to read this, or on anyone else. I read it because I was interested in the topic. Others might read it as a piece of gossip about someone they don’t know. Others still might read it because they are going through something similar. And then there are those who are reading thinking “what has this got to do with me? Why isn’t Broadsheet just stuff I like?”…..

      Finally… it’s been five days, if he doesn’t still feel love for him, a man he didn’t cheat on, then he’d be some sort of sociopath. Why even bring it up?

  3. Sheila

    Crikey. What an awful time you’ve had.
    I know it’s a cliche, but time does heal.
    I’m happy you have some good friends to help you through it.

  4. Rainy Day

    Unfortunately that’s life and that’s some people. Main thing is don’t let it hold you back…which it will do for a certain amount of time, but after that forget about it as much as you can. Time heals all, there will be peaks and troughs ahead after this but generally the rate of improvement may be slow but it will be steady.
    His health issues are none of your concern anymore, someone else’s problems.

  5. Frilly Keane

    Dear Bertie
    Ride for Ireland bhiy
    that’ll sort ya

    and if you’re going for older lads again
    would ya make sure they have their own gaff

    All the best

    1. bertie "The Inexplicable Pleasure" blenkinsop

      Not me Frilly, my phone is never outta my sight :)

  6. Daisy Chainsaw

    Dear Anon. Time heals all wounds (cliches are cliches for a reason!). You’re doing the right thing by dumping him and getting yourself tested and don’t let your compassion for his problems become a problem of yours. He’s no longer yours to worry about.

    It sounds like you’ve a strong network of friends who love you and who’ll help you through this.

    Take care.

  7. Another anonymous Broadsheeter

    My marriage ended in deceit, abandonment, and guiltlessness. It’s the worst, period.
    So understanding to you, then, from across the miles.
    Now i’m about to say something that doesn’t fit with the narrative. It’s four years since this happened to me and every day is a struggle and sometimes a nightmare. People say “it will get better” but don’t use that as your comfort. What you need to do is take care NOW. Lean as heavily on your friends as they will allow (as it looks like you’re doing). Give completely in to the pain. How you fell one day is no predictor of the next day. Stay connected.

    1. :-Joe

      Not trying to be smart or funny…

      If you have had that amount of pain or emotional distress that’s been on-going, have you considered some kind of counselling or some type of psychotherapy to help you figure it all out.

      It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, I’m currently thinking of doing psychotherepy myself for various reasons. Improving your mental health is always a good thing.

      I welcome any comments along the lines of “Aha!.. that explains it..” and the like…

      :-J

      1. anne

        Aha that explains it? From who a therapist? They probably dont have any crystal balls for the answers you know.

        I don’t know the devastation someone can cause another person really…particularly if there are kids, etc. but out of stubbornness I’d get on with things & move on. But that’s just me.

        1. musing@memes.com

          At last…
          An expert on cheating.

          Yeah.
          I said it.
          My name is bad@memes and I welcome the opportunity to approve this message.

        2. :-Joe

          The “Aha…” was just a poor attempt at a self-depricating joke..

          I don’t think there’s anything wrong with just getting on with it, but I see it more as a way to improve yourself by clearing out the bad habits, ideas or changing the fundamental way you might be thinking without even knowing it. Even if it’s just to be thinking a little clearer or in a better way.

          Along with other methods to tap into the mind like meditation, breathing, excercise or maybe go as far as psychotropic drug experimentation. (Only with careful consideration, using the best sources and info possible and under safe controls.)

          Topped off with a healthy dose of skepticism…

          :-J

  8. anne

    Harry was a using cheating arseh*le & his illness didnt stop the dirt bag. You had a lucky escape.

  9. :-Joe

    Interesting enough story… but was there some advice in particular you were looking for?

    If both of you don’t have an emotional bond or some kind of connection that is keeping you together and you don’t have clearly defined or understood boandaries then it’s going to be wild and random.

    It depends where you both are at and how difficult you find meeting the right person for you. Until you meet the right person just keep going. Relationships are like shopping trolleys there’s plenty of them in the sea.

    I have to say, as someone already in an open and honest relationship… I do envy the whole swipe and shag convenience and instant gratification of the gay scene… but I’m sure it has as many problems too.. Grinder in the gay scene somhow seems to make sense to me but the Tinder for what I’m guessing is mostly hetro’s somehow seems totally wrong… Weird?… If I were you, maybe stop using Grinder, get off the merry-go-round and try taking it a bit slower. If all else fails do it old-school.

    If you don’t know what you want, just keep trying something different until it makes more sense to you.

    :-J

    1. anne

      Who know you just gotta define the boundaries with cheating rats ahead of any cheating… brilliant advice there joe.

      1. :-Joe

        Ahh Anne, steady on..

        IMO…I wasn’t suggesting that he actively looks for cheaters… or looks to be in a relationship where he can cheat but It’s not cheating if you both understand each others needs and are open and honest about it.

        Plenty of relationships work fine between different people with different sexual desires and more importantly with what they actually need. It will hardly ever work if there is no understanding invlolved.

        I thought you would be one of the more progressive and open-minded types about this sort of thing..

        Now I’m feeling let down too…

        :-J

        1. anne

          Awe you dont know how it makes me feel that you feel let down Joe. :)

          I’m not that progressive if it means your boyfriend is sticking it everywhere n anywhere, thanks. Call me old fashioned.

  10. A person

    I’m sorry, but why is this posted here. Some one breaks up, get over it. Are we so pc that as a gay person who breaks up it has to be posted.

      1. :-Joe

        Bodger, just dump him and move on.

        You’re better than all this.. be strong.

        Remember, we are here for you…

        :-J

      2. A person

        I post here. I’ve had heart break. Should it be posted on a public forum? Serious question.

          1. :-Joe

            *uncorks third and fourth bottle*…..

            & Maybe time for a joint, this could get fascinating…

            :-J

      3. Jocky

        Right so will I just go banging on about my love triangle and affairs for then benefit of the readers. I’m not sure what lessons are to be learned from someones private difficulties.

        1. Anne

          We all learn from each other Jocky.

          Someone reading this could realise how cheating might affect their partner. Someone going through a break up could read inspirational comments from others on getting on with things.

          And then you have advice from the likes of Frilly telling him to be a money grabber going forward….

    1. Frilly Keane

      Ah give over A Person
      ( ffs)
      I hope this is the start of a regular feature
      Like things that look like I don’t normally do this

      I can’t wait to hear about all yere love lives

        1. Frilly Keane

          Ah Jocky with his affairs n’triangles n’stuff has to lead the parade

          To be fair like

          1. Bertie Blenkinsop

            A gossip shop where people pour their hearts out and use the benefit of anonymity to reveal their darkest secrets?
            Is that want we want Broadsheet to descend to?
            I mean, I DEFINITELY do, just checking with the rest of yiz….

  11. some young queen

    “gay responds to his bf being on the ride by immediately looking for casual sex”

    powerful, & really makes you think

  12. Peter Dempsey

    The whole thing sounds dreadfully sordid, seedy and squalid. You’re better off out of it.

  13. Brendan

    Terry says.
    A boy. Deadly. Cheating. Broke up. B*llocks. Ran out the door. Cockblocker.
    Viper b*stards in comment sections.

  14. musing@memes.com

    I read about half, and no comments.
    …so far. So long…
    I’ll redress read the rest later.

    First… that bit when you said ‘went to the neighbours and got him out…
    That could mean four different things, or even more. Admit it.
    Are we BOTH confused, because I think I am?

    or are we?

  15. Niamh

    Oh heartbreak. Oh God. Where to begin. There is nothing like it – it’s out there on it’s own, a blow to your sense of self, sense of self-worth, self-esteem, self effing everything. I was in my late twenties when it happened to me for the first time, and nothing – nothing, nothing, nothing – has ever, ever, ever hit me like genuine heartbreak. I didn’t know it was possible to feel that squalid. It’s basically animalistic, really. Like an abandoned dog.

    It takes its time and toll, etc., but here are my two cents. Firstly, the defensive reaction (‘that fat lousy drunken sonofab*tch, I was so good to him, I did this, I did that, I was great, what a b*stard’) is natural but not, ultimately, helpful. You don’t really believe he’s a fat useless pr*ck. You love him. You are telling yourself he’s dreadful to convince yourself you don’t love him, but you do. And that’s ok. I don’t mean get back with him – Christ no – and I would advise never even speaking to him again, tbh. But if you really disrespected him to that degree, you wouldn’t care. You can own the love without feeling like you’ve been shafted, you know. It’s honourable to be able to love.

    That said, when something this profound happens – a massive, massive shake-up of family/social/home/sex/love/work life, and this is all of these things – you need to go with the full destructive flow. The ‘old’ you, who was in the relationship, needs to be cut off and discarded (with kindness, but – run). What I mean is, go nuclear. Start over. Maybe even move. New job. Whatever. Anything. Don’t stay hanging around the empty rooms of your old life. That way serious clinical depression lies. Good luck.

    1. Jocky

      I got a dose of heartbreak and I managed to get it back together but I swore blind I would make them feel ten times worse. It was a horrible decision that has cost me.

    2. Janet, I ate my avatar

      well said
      it’s a humbling experience the kind of grief heartbreak can bring
      it’s often under estimated by people who haven’t lived it
      I wouldn’t wish it on anyone
      Don’t give up it gets better

  16. musing@memes.com

    Fruit estranged or Dan Friction.

    I wasn’t messing about the video and photo content. I’m just not able to upload at the moment.

  17. Lilly

    A few years from now when you’re looking back and doing the relationship audit in your head, I bet you’ll think – meh, could have skipped him.

  18. Shayna

    I’ve never cheated on, or been cheated by (as far as I know). Maybe that’s why I’m single. I have gay women friends, and they seem to cheat on their partners willy-nilly (pardon the pun). I slept with another woman a few years back in Brighton, it was the morning after the night before, she revealed she had a girlfriend in Sydney. Further to the revelation, she also admitted, she loved women, but ultimately wants to marry a man? Morale of the story; if he or she isn’t right for you, run away, and don’t look back.

  19. sparkilicious

    I was visualising the two hairdressers from Brighton off UK ‘Gogglebox’ as I read that.

    1. Shayna

      I get it, but imagine they are both women, one blonde. one brunette, both much taller (we’re both 190cms) and without the ink. One is Irish (Blonde) the other English who lives in Australia. She’s quite posh from London. and I’ve been referred to as an Irish Bog-trotter. So, it’s not quite the same, although I appreciate your imagination, it’s merely that. Ádh mhór,

  20. AnonymousAlso

    Thanks for posting Anom, i’ve actually found myself in a similar situation last week and would be interested in hearing peoples thoughts. Similar situation on the boyfriends phone front but i was actually playing a song on youtube on his phone and saw a message pop up from a guy ive always been suspicious about. I opened the message and found a happy birthday message that my boyfriend had sent him naked in the shower with his modesty covered by an emoji. The guy who knows we are in a relationship asked him why so shy and to show him more and of course my idiot boyfriend did with a full frontal excited manhood snap. I was livid, threw the phone at him just like anom did and told him to explain himself. His first response was how dare i open a message and second response was whats the big deal, its not like he was or ever has cheated on me. This is of course not as bad as him admitting he has cheated but is it just as bad? He is also early 40’s, 9 years older than me so i really thought he would have a bit more sense. The thoughts of him even entertaining this sort of behavior is both upsetting and infuriating when we are talking about mortgages and marriage. Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

    1. Niamh

      Run. Here is why:

      [a] In sending a mutual acquaintance a rude picture without your consent, he disrespected you.
      [b] In saying ‘what’s the big deal?’ he is deflecting, dodging responsibility, and ‘gas lighting’ you (look it up).
      [c] I am sorry to say this is very, very unlikely to be the first time he’s done it. You don’t need the details, but it seems too casual to be a one-off, especially as he is now downplaying it.

      He’s not neccesarily a bad person, but this is a character weakness. If he apologised and seemed genuinely remorseful, I’d say, consider trying again. But he’s not remorseful. Therefore he’s either emotionally stunted or you have radically diverging moral templates and you’re only come to (expensive) grief as a marriage couple with a mortgage.

      I’m a woman, and my granny always told me – no matter how much you love him, no matter how much you believe in the relationship, keep a ‘running-away’ fund in the bank. Enough to get out of that house/flat, into another house/flat, ideally, at short notice; or, just enough to get into a hotel room. Relevant to fellas too I would say. It’s less cynical than recognizing that people are fallible/weak, and also that if you come to completely materially rely on another person and cannot leave at short notice, they will resent/disrespect you.

      Finally, when dumped, I try to channel the exquisite poise of a young Lisa Hannigan when Damien Rice broke up with her and then kicked her out of his band. That is, whatever the relevant equivalent is of packing up your guitar, keeping your chin up, walking composedly into the future, never speak ill of your ex in public and do not divulge details to strangers, but also refrain from ever, ever, ever, ever answering the phone to him or otherwise speaking to him again. Even if he rings you at a concert and gets the crowd to leave a message for you. Even if he pleads for notice in magazine interviews. Stay gracious. It’s a weapon.

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