Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe

from Tax
after Pascal Donohoe

In the income tax arena
I am introducing a scheme:

whereby a fifty year old man
living in, for example,
Galway, will still be able to claim
for his increasingly rickety right knee
here in Ireland, but allowed register,
for tax purposes,
his far more profitable left leg in Jersey.

He’ll be able to claim relief here on his wonky eye
but will only have to pay tax on the good one
at whatever the rate is in Luxembourg.

His three sets of dentures, all twenty six
fillings and those two root canals
will continue to be deductible here,
though he’ll now pay tax
on what’s left of his actual
teeth in Bermuda.

The good fifty percent of his lungs
he’ll be allowed set up
as an independent company
in the British Virgin Islands,
while the useless half will legally
continue to be Irish.

His nausea will remain ours,
though his enormous appetite
will now officially live on the more
glutton-friendly Isle of Man.

His beleaguered liver will continue
to be officially resident here,
while his still superefficient
bowels will spend enough time in Switzerland
to pay (hardly any) tax there.

The scar above his left buttock,
acquired when he toppled through a glass door
backwards, circa nineteen seventy three,
will continue to be deductible here,
while the balance of his bum –
in surprisingly good condition for a man his age,
though he says so himself – declares
its vast income at an office
in Wilmington, Delaware.

Elsewhere, I am extending the relief on brown leather
trousers and industrial strength lawnmowers
for fat couples with Anglo-Norman sounding names
in the better bits of Kildare for another five years.

There is agreement across the political consensus
it’s essential such people are given sufficient incentives
to keep doing whatever it is they supposedly do.

Kevin Higgins

Fight!

Rollingnews

7 thoughts on “Making It Up

  1. Mourinho

    In the income tax arena I am introducing a scheme: whereby a fifty year old man living in, for example, Galway, will still be able to claim for his increasingly rickety right knee here in Ireland, but allowed register,
    for tax purposes, his far more profitable left leg in Jersey.

    He’ll be able to claim relief here on his wonky eye but will only have to pay tax on the good one at whatever the rate is in Luxembourg.

    repeat the same joke etc.

    1. bisted

      …mmm…one leg in Jersey and the other in Galway means he’s probably p*ssing his welfare up against a wall just north of Bristol…

  2. Gabby

    Good targeting, but as the poem has neither rhyme nor meter, this year’s
    Nobel Prize goes to novelist Kazuo Ishiguro.
    Better luck in 2018.

  3. Sean

    As Kevin’s doggerel goes, this is decidedly better than his previous attempts.
    *proffers “most improved” badge*

Comments are closed.