Storm Warning: Only I think I’m funny and I’m indulging myself in this compilation while I wait on news of the passing of Cork.
This is a selection of my Twitter bar jokes, which started with the Fine Gael leadership ‘heave’ and got steadily worse from there.
Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar walk into a bar. They each order a pint of Guinness and wait for it to settle. That was February 2016.
Leo Varadkar, Simon Coveney and Simon Harris walk into a bar.
Nobody orders anything and nothing happens.
Noirin O’Sullivan, Frances Fitzgerald and Josephine Feehily walk into a bar. Versions of events differ, but the barman has been arrested.
Leo Varadkar and a crocodile walk into a bar.
Leo: Do you serve poor people here?
Leo: I’ll have a pint so, and a poor person for my friend
Noirin O’Sullivan and Paul Williams walk into a bar. Everyone is made eat their SIM card and then forced to sign Non Disclosure Agreements.
Micheal Martin, Mattie McGrath and Ronan Mullan walk into a bar. “What’ll you have asks the barman?”
“It’s not that simple”, they dither. #RepealThe8th
Roisin Ingle, Tara Flynn & Anna Cosgrave walk into a bar.
“What’ll it be?” asks the barman.
“Free, safe & legal” they reply.
But that’s not on the menu…
Leo Varadkar and Máire Whelan walk into a bar. 3 Judges are ahead of them in the queue, but only Leo and Máire get served.
Joan Burton, Paul Murphy and 50 Gardai walk into a bar. They order lots of food and drink. Paul Murphy gets charged for everything.
Leo Varadkar and Justin Trudeau walk into a bar.
I only know because Leo is live streaming the ‘event’.
Ian O’Doherty, David Quinn and Kevin Meyers walk into a bar and order 3 pints of water. Miraculously all 3 glasses turn into whine.
A Shinner, a Muslim and a Cyclist walk into a bar.
George Hook faints.
Arlene Foster and Michelle O’Neill walk into a bar. The punchline is not funny, but is available in English, Irish and Ulster Scots.
A citizens assembly, an emergency summit and a public forum walk into a bar. They pass the drinks round and round, but nobody gets to drink.
Phil Hogan, Alan Kelly, Simon Coveney and Eoghan Murphy walk into a bar. They order nothing and the crisis gets worse.
Leo Varadkar and Justin Trudeau walk into a bar. Again.
3 academics walk into a bar. They get government funding for their drinks and call themselves a think tank.
Cerberus, Michael Noonan and NAMA walk into a bar. No notes are taken, but the bar closes shortly after and reopens as a Starbucks.
3 political stereotypes walk into a bar. Sure you know what they’re like.
A libertarian walks into a bar. The punchline is none of your business.
Dan O’Brien and Lorcan Sirr walk into a bar. Dan says the punchline is economic populism, Lorcan throws an empirical data insult at Dan.
Enda Kenny, Brian Cowan and Bertie Ahern walk into a bar. Denis O’Brien orders the drinks. From Malta. We get the bill.
A landlord, a politician and a teacher walk into a bar. “The usual, Minister?” says the barman.
Three Irish Times Op-Ed writers walk into a bar. None of them can articulate a decent punchline.
Cultural Appropriation walks into a bar and sits down next to Subculture. “I’ll have whatever Subculture is having”, he says.
A retweet and a quote tweet walk into a bar. Nobody follows them.
Actavo walks into a bar. “Didn’t I tell you you were barred?” asks the barman.
“No, that was my evil twin, Siteserv”, he replies.
Truth and Power walk into a bar. Nobody speaks.
A Public Services Card walks into a bar. The barman has already prepared his drink and arranged his prefered seat.
Leo Varadkar and Justin Trudeau walk into a bar. This is getting awkward now.
Tony Groves walks into a bar. Swung by those who want their 5 minutes back…
Stay safe, folks.
Tony Groves is a full-time financial consultant and part-time commentator. With over 18 years experience in the financial industry and a keen interest in politics, history and “being ornery”, he has published one book and writes regularly at Trickstersworld.