A Guy Walks Into A Bar


Tony Groves

Storm Warning: Only I think I’m funny and I’m indulging myself in this compilation while I wait on news of the passing of Cork.

This is a selection of my Twitter bar jokes, which started with the Fine Gael leadership ‘heave’ and got steadily worse from there.

Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar walk into a bar. They each order a pint of Guinness and wait for it to settle. That was February 2016.

Leo Varadkar, Simon Coveney and Simon Harris walk into a bar.
Nobody orders anything and nothing happens.

Noirin O’Sullivan, Frances Fitzgerald and Josephine Feehily walk into a bar. Versions of events differ, but the barman has been arrested.

Leo Varadkar and a crocodile walk into a bar.
Leo: Do you serve poor people here?
Barman: Yep
Leo: I’ll have a pint so, and a poor person for my friend

Noirin O’Sullivan and Paul Williams walk into a bar. Everyone is made eat their SIM card and then forced to sign Non Disclosure Agreements.

Micheal Martin, Mattie McGrath and Ronan Mullan walk into a bar. “What’ll you have asks the barman?”
“It’s not that simple”, they dither. #RepealThe8th

Roisin Ingle, Tara Flynn & Anna Cosgrave walk into a bar.
“What’ll it be?” asks the barman.
“Free, safe & legal” they reply.
But that’s not on the menu…

Leo Varadkar and Máire Whelan walk into a bar. 3 Judges are ahead of them in the queue, but only Leo and Máire get served.

Joan Burton, Paul Murphy and 50 Gardai walk into a bar. They order lots of food and drink. Paul Murphy gets charged for everything.

Leo Varadkar and Justin Trudeau walk into a bar.
I only know because Leo is live streaming the ‘event’.

Ian O’Doherty, David Quinn and Kevin Meyers walk into a bar and order 3 pints of water. Miraculously all 3 glasses turn into whine.

A Shinner, a Muslim and a Cyclist walk into a bar.
George Hook faints.

Arlene Foster and Michelle O’Neill walk into a bar. The punchline is not funny, but is available in English, Irish and Ulster Scots.

A citizens assembly, an emergency summit and a public forum walk into a bar. They pass the drinks round and round, but nobody gets to drink.

Phil Hogan, Alan Kelly, Simon Coveney and Eoghan Murphy walk into a bar. They order nothing and the crisis gets worse.

Leo Varadkar and Justin Trudeau walk into a bar. Again.

3 academics walk into a bar. They get government funding for their drinks and call themselves a think tank.

Cerberus, Michael Noonan and NAMA walk into a bar. No notes are taken, but the bar closes shortly after and reopens as a Starbucks.

3 political stereotypes walk into a bar. Sure you know what they’re like.

A libertarian walks into a bar. The punchline is none of your business.

Dan O’Brien and Lorcan Sirr walk into a bar. Dan says the punchline is economic populism, Lorcan throws an empirical data insult at Dan.

Enda Kenny, Brian Cowan and Bertie Ahern walk into a bar. Denis O’Brien orders the drinks. From Malta. We get the bill.

A landlord, a politician and a teacher walk into a bar. “The usual, Minister?” says the barman.

Three Irish Times Op-Ed writers walk into a bar. None of them can articulate a decent punchline.

Cultural Appropriation walks into a bar and sits down next to Subculture. “I’ll have whatever Subculture is having”, he says.

A retweet and a quote tweet walk into a bar. Nobody follows them.

Actavo walks into a bar. “Didn’t I tell you you were barred?” asks the barman.
“No, that was my evil twin, Siteserv”, he replies.

Truth and Power walk into a bar. Nobody speaks.

A Public Services Card walks into a bar. The barman has already prepared his drink and arranged his prefered seat.

Leo Varadkar and Justin Trudeau walk into a bar. This is getting awkward now.

Tony Groves walks into a bar. Swung by those who want their 5 minutes back…

Stay safe, folks.

Tony Groves is a full-time financial consultant and part-time commentator. With over 18 years experience in the financial industry and a keen interest in politics, history and “being ornery”, he has published one book and writes regularly at Trickstersworld.


7 thoughts on “A Guy Walks Into A Bar

  1. Charger Salmons

    Your first five words are spot on.
    But I imagine you’re a big hit in the financial consultant community.

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