Clamped Inside

at

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Congratulations to veteran Broadsheet commenter Clampers Outside who got married at the weekend.

Clampers, best known for his loathing of identity politics, has been a constant, loyal and entertaining presence on the ‘sheet since 2010.

We wish him and his new bride our warmest regards.

What God has joined together let no one disengage with a bolt-cutter.

72 thoughts on “Clamped Inside

    1. Brother Barnabas

      actually, chompsky, i suggest an amnesty for those in moderation (or me, at least) would be a thoughtful and generous wedding gift to mr and mrs clampers

          1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

            Oh, hang on. I didn’t read your post properly and just repeated what you said.
            I’ve a bit of a cold so am only functioning at 97%. Apologies.

          2. Brother Barnabas

            so are you saying that when you read my comment, you don’t momentarily close your eyes to ponder the extraordinary gravity of it all, read it again and whisper “he’s so brilliant” to yourself, and then reply?

          3. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

            I’m trying to imbue some gravitas into that post so I can ponder its brilliance.

          4. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

            THIS is the gift to Clamps. Post after post of inane wibblings by two absolute donkeys. I know he loves it.

          5. Brother Barnabas

            oh no, that was one of the sexy ones (they’re to be enjoyed on a more primal level)

            [i’ll tell you what’s not sexy, though: theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2018/apr/21/fatberg-autopsy-getting-to-the-bottom-of-londons-dirty-secrets]

          6. Brother Barnabas

            suppose i have to behave seeing as it’s clamp’s wedding bash and all, but, you know

  1. filly buster

    I can’t remember if I like him or hate him. . . but sure feck it I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for the day that’s in it. Congrats clamps!

    1. The Ghost of Starina

      ah now. we’ve all fought with him but this is cause for celebration. Congrats to you both, Clamps!

    2. Janet, I ate my Avatar

      I’m sure your ma did the best she could with ya
      But some folks have no love in thier hearts

  2. Cian

    Congrats to yizzers both.
    I hope it was a great day and you have many years of happiness together.

  3. mildred st. meadowlark

    Clampers you ROGUE!

    Congratulations to you both. Hope you have many many many happy years together :)

    1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

      It’s as good as watching an episode of DIY SOS, so totes emosh am I.

  4. Catherine costelloe

    Good news. Imagine if Clampers was left weeping at the alter ….jeezus. Congratulations Mr & Mrs Clampers.

  5. Kolmo

    Congratulations Mr. Clampers Outside!

    May you both live forever clamped, for better or for worser

  6. Spud

    ‘Do you take Mr Clamps to be your husband’
    ‘I Do’

    ‘And Clamps, do you take…’
    ‘+1’

    congrats!

  7. Frilly Keane

    Ah t’was a great wedding
    Clampers looked smashing in one of JR’s perfect shurts
    Herself scrubed up well, and the weightwatchers worked

    I had the Turkey and Hang, but gave the Hang, which was the sweaty kind to Fluff, who had the roast beef.
    They were mane with the Wedding Cake,
    but we all got a drop for the toasts

    The band after were savage, played all the 70’s and 80’s Country and Irish stuff
    From Tina to the Swarbriggs
    One thing about Clampers side; they love their spuds
    and her side, well they’re gropers, so the dancing was limited
    But the SingSong was mighty
    Only flaw really was the Deise crowd howling don’t stop believing
    and dere’s only ‘wan John Mullane from when the dinner plates were taken away
    only two fights that I saw
    but shur’ thats t’be expected

    His side were the best turned out tbh
    Her crowd looked like they came from anudder wedding the day before – or even a funeral;
    again, typical Blah carry on, getting another day out’ve the rig out

    Meself and Fluff scrubbed up well it must be said
    New hat n’all
    But Fluff did have his moments when he thought he was still in with a chance with our dear Clampers
    and spent the latter part of the night pretending he was Joe Dolan on a night out
    and I even let him have the double bed and the remote
    Sleeping in a single reminded me of boarding school, but shur what harm
    Clampers was handsome, and delighted with himself

    I know he’ll be very happy and content with married life
    and thats all that matters

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