Tag Archives: Bertie Blenkinsop



What you may need to know

1. William S Burroughs invented a technique known as cut-up writing whereby words and phrases are cut from newspapers and then re-arranged at random.

2. One can only assume that something similar was at play at when devising this new miniseries…

Interior HBO Headquarters, young TV executive rummages around in bag, pulls out slip of paper and reads aloud “YOUNG”…

“Okay, so whadda we got here…. “Pope”, “American”, “Young” and “Jude Law”. You’re killin’ me here. Still, at least TV critics will be happy with the Canon Law puns.”

3. With a premise as wacky as ‘Youth Hostelling with Chris Eubank’, The Young Pope sees Jude Law move to the small screen, with a brand new head of hair as pristine and shiny as Sam Allardyce’s England tracksuit, playing Lenny Belardo, the first American Pope.

4. Jude first burst to fame as Dickie Greenleaf in The Talented Mr Ripley, Anthony Minghella’s 1999 thriller.

5. Law was excellent playing the part of a self regarding, foppish dandy but unfortunately as the years have progressed it looks increasingly like he was actually just playing the role of Jude Law in Ripley.

6. Twice nominated for an Oscar, he’s too good for hokum like this I hear you cry but I suppose five kids with three different mothers probably doesn’t come cheap.

6. The ever fabulous, effortlessly cool Diane Keaton co-stars as Sister Mary,

7. This show looks as unhinged as my Mario Balotelli Top Goalscorer bet from last season.

Bertie’s Verdict: Papal bull

PS I’m sorry I don’t have a better recommendation for you this week, here’s some good news about Kate Bush by way of atonement.


What you may need to know

1. August 1994 – Oasis released their debut album, Definitely Maybe knocking Wet Wet Wet’s Greatest Hits from the number one spot. Kurt Cobain had died earlier in the year, their was a huge gap in the market and their impact was instant and huge.

2. Funny, talented, opinionated, with a dangerous edge, almost overnight every second lad in Dublin developed a Mancunian drawl and a swaggering drunken penguin walk.

3. Everyone wanted to look, walk and talk like either Parker from Thunderbirds or Baby Gerald from The Simpsons, depending on which Gallagher you preferred.

4. The wonderful rock critic David Hepworth has a theory that all great artists have a three year purple patch in which they produce their finest Work and after that it’s the law of diminishing returns. You get the very odd exception such as The Beatles, Radiohead, Chico from X Factor etc but overall it’s quite accurate and Oasis are this theory writ large.

5. Cards on the table, I LOVED Oasis when they broke, I think that’s why I grew to dislike them so much when their creativity declined so sharply.Like Michael Owen signing for Man United, if I didn’t care so much to begin with it wouldn’t have stung so much.

6. Definitely Maybe is a stone cold classic album but even so the plagiarism allegations were there from the outset. Within the first minute of their first single Supersonic they reference Yellow Submarine, Cigarettes and Alcohol is T Rex’s Get it on,  Shakermaker is  ‘I’d Like To Teach The World To Sing by The New Seekers , Whatever is Neil Innes’ “How Sweet To Be An idiot”, Don’t Look Back In Anger is Imagine.

7. So where did it all go wrong for Oasis?

8. First and foremost, coke. Have you ever been cornered at a party by a boring, opinionated, self regarding coke head. Well put that to music and you have Be Here Now, their 3rd album, on which they’d so run out of ideas they were even plagiarising themselves.

9. Then there was the fractious nature of the brother’s relationship, a sibling rivalry so deep they made Cain and Abel look like the O’Donovan brothers,Which meant it was always going to end in more tears than the end of The Champ (1979).

10. Thirdly, believing your own hype. It’s one thing to say you’re the greatest but you have to consistently deliver or you look foolish. See also: Conor McGregor being knocked on his hole.

11. The final nail in the coffin for me was when self styled hard chaw Liam had his front teeth knocked out by an estate agent in Munich. Yep, you read that correctly. An. Estate. Agent. Rock and Roll. *devil horn sign*

12. Both brothers have since gone on to varying success, Noel as a solo artist and Liam with the now defunct Beady Eye but overall I’d rather listen to Noel opining about other artists than to any of his MOR albums.

Bertie’s Verdict:The movie looks to have captured the madness and excitement of their early years, if it focusses on the early years rather than the bloated excesses of their decline. It should be a good watch.

Release date: October 26,


There is no sadder sound.

By popular demand…

…Acclaimed for his wide collection of contemporary ‘father humour’ Bertie Blenkinsop writes:

I find it difficult to say what my wife does… she sells sea shells on the seashore.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea… they never give you the tea.

I used to work at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

“I hate oyings.” “What is an oying?” “This joke.”

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was’

I saw an advert that said: “Television for sale, 5 euro, volume stuck on full.” I couldn’t turn it down.

Here’s a photo of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!

Unless YOUR father can do better.

Pic: Shutterstock


RTÉ presenters launch the Autumn season on RTÉ in Grand Canal Dock last month

Reliving a James M Chimney/Broadsheet tradition

…Bertie Blemkinsop writes:

Heavy work commitments (Narcos Series 2 ) have prevented me from reviewing a fillum this week so instead I’ll have a quick glance through the week’s upcoming telly shows and make a semi educated guess as to what they might be about…

Cash in the Attic: We join the Revenue Commissioners as they pay a visit to Ivor Callelly’s delightful Clontarf home

Pointless Celebrities:
A second chance to view last week’s Operation Transformation

The Walking Dead:
The Social Democrats Ard Fheis live from a phone box in Dawson Street

Celebrity Big Brother:
Mat Osman from Suede discusses life as Richard Osman’s brother

Six One: A chance to relive Manchester City’s emphatic 2011 win over Manchester United

The Sunday Game:
Trying to have mammy and daddy time before the kids wake up on Sunday morning

Super Sunday: How you feel if you succeed at The Sunday Game.

The Sunday Supplement:
What you take beforehand if you think there’s a possibility of The Sunday Game

Loose Women:
Middle aged women discuss incontinence and their love lives ( No change there then…FIGHT! )

Cold Feet: Stephen Donnelly gives his side of recent events

Million Dollar Baby: The cast of Geordie Shore compete to be impregnated by a mystery Premier League footballer

All Star Mr and Mrs:
  Bertie Blenkinsop and Mildred St Meadowlark star in…. Oh a man can dream can’t he?

How I Met Your Mother: Mani and Clampers reminisce about old times

Would I Lie to You?:
Live coverage from The Oireachtas

Two and a Half Men:
Bono, Larry and Adam discuss the recording of The Joshua Tree

Feel free to add them below if you think you can do better….


Previously: RTÉ Guide Only Beetter


Bertie Blenkinsop writes:


Feeling as unwanted as a “Garth Brooks – Croke Park 2014” cowboy hat? Career as dead and lifeless as Myleene Klass’s eyes? Does your agent keep you as well hidden as Ronan Keating’s second phone?

Why not join Celebrity Operation Transformation – A wonderful opportunity for you to simultaneously lose both kilos and dignity?

Like visitors to Bedlam in Victorian England, let’s rattle the cell bars and see who is inside…

Gerald Keane – Or to give him his full name Gerry Keane-to-tell-you-about-all-the great-work-I-do-for-charidee. He and the lovely Lisa Murphy have been engaged more times than Vodafone Customer Service, with Gerald apparently keeping the ring on a string like Top Cat’s coin…Hang on, He’s a solicitor? Strike all that, I LOVE THIS GUY!

Katherine Lynch – Katherine was a real trailblazer, finding humour and fun in the travelling community long before TV3 devoted 75% of their budget and airtime to them. A little known fact: the term Lynch mob stems from the angry gang who witnessed Katherine’s first television series.

Brenda Donohue:
Gerry Ryan loved her. Cynical people said that once Gerry had passed her career would slide but she has confounded her critics to …. Nah.

Karl Spain:
World renowned anagram experts have discovered that Karl Spain is actually an anagram of Karl’s Pain. Coincidence? You tell me.

Elaine Crowley:
She seems cool enough and she’s not Martin King so it’s all good.

Bertie’s verdict: Car crash telly at its finest

Release Date: Tonight on RTÉ One at 9.30pm



What you may need to know

1. Billy Bob Thornton – Actor, filmmaker, singer-songwriter, epic haircut in Fargo, six times married*. ..This man works harder than Miriam O’Callaghan’s child minder and here he is back as Willie in Bad Santa 2, The sequel to 2003’s dark and cynical yet utterly hilarious Ba…. Well you’ve probably already guessed what it’s a sequel to.

2 Alongside Elf (2003) and the same year’s Love Actually (yeah Love Actually, I said it, I love Hugh Grant, I’m a fool to myself) Bad Santa is one of the great Christmas movies imho And the storyline this time sees him reunite with his sidekick Marcus (Tony Cox), to knock off a Chicago charity on Christmas Eve.

5. The movie seems to have had a troubled production as it’s been in development since 2009 however as an eternal optimist I’d like to think they’ve just been working hard to perfect their craft rather than the more likely awful alternative.

6. It’s directed by Mark Waters, the director of Mean Girls (think Broadsheet comments section with American accents) who surprisingly didn’t have to hand back his director’s badge after 2014’s Vampire Academy.

7. Sadly there’ll be no Bernie Mac this time round as he’s deader than the plants in Pat Hickey’s holiday home, but on a brighter note they have drafted in Christina Hendricks,
and Oscar winner Kathy Bates also stars as Thornton’s mother, despite being only
Seven years older than him in real life.

Bertie’s verdict: If it’s half as good as the first one it will pass a couple of hours pleasantly enough.

Bertie Blenkinsop

* SIX times married. Law of averages we’ll all eventually date either Billy Bob or Taylor Swift. Knowing my luck I’ll get Billy Bob.


NOTICE: After two lovely years with the ‘sheet Mark Ryall has handed over the bunch of keys of the Broadsheet Trailer Park to Bertie Blenkinsop, a name familiar to regular readers. This is Bertie’s first trailer.

What You may need to know

1. The Watchman is a one-off drama starring the ever-brilliant Stephen Graham as a CCTV operator who intervenes when the police fail to tackle a gang of drug dealers.

2. Graham was superb as the racist skinhead Combo in 2006’s This is England  (the movie with the greatest soundtrack ever imho ), and stole every scene he appeared in with a fantastic mix of raw menace and disturbed vulnerability. If you remember the scene where Shaun is buying his first pair of Docs, the shoe shop assistant is Stephen Graham’s wife, trivia fans.

3. Graham also chewed up the scenery as Al Capone in the excellent and sorely missed (by me at least) Boardwalk Empire. (Alec Baldwin was originally considered for the role of Nucky Thompson. What a time to be alive!).

5. Incidentally, it is OBLIGATORY to mention the fact that Al Capone was imprisoned for failing to pay his taxes in EVERY article about the Criminal Assets Bureau.

Bertie’s Verdict: Looks like a great vehicle for Graham to do what he does best ie. anger, violence and longing.

Release date: Wednesday, August 24, Channel 4 at 9pm