Tag Archives: Broadsheet Trailer Park

beautyandthebeast

What you may need to know:

1. Disney adapt the classic fairytale.. Again.

2. With Mudblood Emma Watson as Belle and Dan Stevens  as the beast. Or “aesthetically challenged individual” if you prefer. We’re not labelist here.

3. Angela Lansbury has retired to Cabot Cove – murder capital of the Northeast.

4. More remakes from Disney. In addition to Tim Burton’s Dumbo, the studio is also developing live-action remakes of Winnie the Pooh, The Sword in the Stone, and yet another version of Peter Pan. Oy.

5. Disney does have the original animated feature, Moana, coming in November. Expect the remake around 2023.

6. Broadsheet prognosis: Call of Beauty 2.

Release Date:
March 17, 2017.

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

Equity

What you may need to know

1. The career of investment banker Naomi Bishop (Anna Gunn) comes under threat from financial scandal and corruption.

2.  Gunn’s Skyler White was one of the most hated characters on TV. Just because she wouldn’t get on board with the whole meth-dealing thing. People, eh?

3. Something is off with this trailer. If it wasn’t for the ominous music, it could almost be a comedy.

4. That game of Jenga might be a metaphor.

5. Broadsheet prognosis: The she-wolf of Wall Street.

Release Date:July 29 (USA).

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

inferno

What you may need to know:

1. Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks) races against the clock to foil a deadly plot of mass annihilation.

2. It’s the third dose of “Where’s Wally?” claptrap for Hanks and director Ron Howard.

3. What, no mullet?

4. Ben Foster is better than this. Everyone is better than this.

5. Broadsheet prognosis: Infernope.

Release Date: October 14.

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

The-Accountant

What you may need to know:

1. Accountant Chris Wolff (Ben Affleck) leads a double life as a sleeper assassin for the world’s most dangerous criminal organisations.

2. This looks Excel-lent.

3. Sure, Batman V Superman (2016)  wasn’t great, but you can’t really fault Affleck’s take on the Dark Knight.

4. Batman will be keeping Affleck occupied for the foreseeable future. The Caped Crusader is leading two Justice League movies and will have a cameo in Suicide Squad (2016).

5. In addition, Affleck’s fourth directorial effort, Live by Night, is due in October 2017. Who’s a busy boy?

6. Broadsheet prognosis: Books will be balanced.

Release Date: November 4.

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

yogahosers

What you may need to know:

1.
Two convenience store clerks (Lilly-Rose Depp & Harley Quinn Smith) discover a plot to kill film critics with mini anus-crawling Nazis made from bratwurst.

2. It’s Kevin Smith everybody. Cracking himself up since 1994.

3.
No doubt the starring role for his daughter played a big part in persuading dog-smuggling Johnny Depp to continue further down the path of career suicide.

4.
Yoga Hosers is the middle part of a trilogy, because such quality demands a trilogy. Next up… Moose Jaws.

5. Smith is responsible for 98% of worldwide ice hockey jersey sales. Fact. A Mumu can’t be far.

6.
A lot of folks still rate Smith. A lot of folks are wrong.

7. Broadsheet prognosis: Rhymes with trite. A big, steaming pile of trite.

Release Date:
July 29.

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

Elvis-NIxon

What you may need to know:

1. In December 1970, Elvis Presley (Michael Shannon) engineered a meeting with Richard Nixon (Kevin Spacey) to discuss The Beatles and those goddamned hippies.

2. Co-written by The Princess Bride’s Man in Black (Cary Elwes).

3. Another presidential role for Spacey.

4. Bruce Campbell would’ve done a 2-for-1 deal on both parts.

5.
Pffft… I want to see ELVISZILLA VS. NIXODON!!! Two mechagiant monstrosities battling in the skies over Washington.

6. Broadsheet prognosis: Thangyuverrymuch.

Release Date:
June 24.

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

USS-Indianapolis

What you may need to know:

1. Nic Cage, atom bombs, submarines and sharks.

2. The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by the Japanese in July 1945. Only 316 members of the 1,196-strong crew survived four days in shark-infested waters.

3. “Lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eye.” Fans of Jaws (1975) will recall that the Indianapolis was the ship that Quint served on during WWII. And the cause of his shark aversion.

4. Look at that poster. So much fail.

5. Probably not coming to a cinema near you.

6. Broadsheet prognosis: A Shark Tale.

Release Date: May 27.

(Mark writes about film and TV at WhyBother.ie)

Urge

What you may need to know:

1.
A mysterious nightclub owner (Pierce Brosnan) introduces a group of friends to a new designer drug.

2. With Scientologist Wolverine Danny Masterson.

3. Justin Chatwin was Tom Cruise’s son in War of the Worlds (2005). Lizards everywhere.

4. It’s Taffin!!! Bronhom was awesome in The Matador (2005).

5. He must be long overdue a trip home. Tubridy could ask him about his Irish roots. Or D’Arcy could ask him about the death of his wife and then glaze over.

6. Broadsheet prognosis: Straight to video.

Release Date:  June 3.

(Mark’s WhyBother.ie website has had a makeover. Do visit)

Me-Before-You

What you may need to know:

1. Wheelchair-bound Will (Sam Clafin) falls in love with his caregiver, Lou (Emilia Clarke). And vice versa.

2.
Film adaption of Jojo Moyes’ hugely successful airport novel. If you didn’t read it on your holliers then you probably know someone who did.

3. It’ll end in tears.

4.
Not mine, though. I’m not feeling it. *Sniff*

5. Broadsheet prognosis: Cognitive Dignitas.

Release Date:
June 3.

Snowden

What you may need to know:

1. Biopic of Edward Snowden (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), the CIA analyst who leaked classified NSA documents in 2013.

2. This stuff is a gift for Oliver Stone.

3. The director must be struggling to find material after working through almost every US president.

4. Which might explain Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.

5. Ladies and gentlemen… It’s Nicolas Cage.

6. I’m just popping off to clear my browsing history.

7. Broadsheet prognosis: Whistle while you blow.

Release Date: September 16.