Tag Archives: film

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All other reviews of this film are now irrelevant.

it is the most romantic film that has ever been made about a nervous lady getting slapped all over the place by a millionaire hunk that is right it is the erotic comedy thriller that is called 50 shades of grey. this morning when it was the morning time i went to see 50 shades of grey on my own at the cinema for a romantic treat for myself to help get me in a valentines day mood and as soon as the film starts it shows ana who is the main girl in the film going to do a interview with a man who is called christian grey who is a millionaire ex model hunk because she is doing a essay about millionaire ex model hunks for her college course and when ana gets to christians office she starts feeling dead nervous because of how much of a hunk he is and the camera does loads of close up slow motion shots of her biting her bottom lip and licking her chin from all different types of angles and my best bit in the whole of the film is when christian says to ana that he wants to show her something and ana says so show me then and christian does a half smile and he slowly walks over to a hidden door that is in his office and he tells ana to come closer to see what is behind it and as ana steps through the hidden door she looks around the room and she sees that it is completely filled with thousands of sausages tied to the ceiling from stings and christian looks at ana and he says this is my playroom i wanted you to see it and ana turns to christian and she stares into his eyes and she can see the reflection of thousands of uncooked sausages shining back at her and it was almost as if she was having a look into 2 tiny butchers windows and then all of a sudden christian does a really high pitch screaming laugh and then he starts running underneath all of the sausages with his mouth wide open and he starts dipping all of the sausages into his mouth like he is having a quick taste of each and every one of them and ana just stares at him watching his every move and she can feel herself tingling with excitement and after about 15 minutes of watching him she cant even contain herself anymore so she starts running around the room doing the same and then after watching them dipping the sausages into their mouths for about 45 minutes they both go to grab the same sausage at exactly the same time and their lips meet and they share their first kiss together under the blanket of dangling meat and at that very moment the whole of the world stopped just for them and then christian gently puts his fingers next to anas mouth and he says i wont do you no harm and ana says ok and she closes her eyes and she slowly puts christians fingers inside of her mouth and then she just starts swallowing his arm like she has been possessed by a erotic snake and christian says what the hell are you doing and ana trys to say i thought that you told me to swallow your arm and christian shouts no i said i wont do you no harm and then he starts screaming oh my god please god stop it please you are crushing my arm and as he trys to pull his arm out of anas mouth her throat just gobbles it back up even more like it has got a mind of its own and before they could even call for help ana had swallowed christians arm right up to his shoulder and then after them struggling for ages to get christians arm out of anas mouth christians whole body starts turning completely grey and that is why the film is called 50 shades of grey and then right at the end of the film there is a slow motion shot of ana lying on the floor with christians lifeless grey body hanging out of her mouth and it really is such a beautiful ending to such a romantic film so if you want to feel a extra slice of spice this valentines day then this is definitely the only film that you need to see.

Image and commentry by Pictures That I Gone And Done.

moderntoss

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1. Always take the initiative.
2. There is nothing wrong with spending a night in jail if it means getting the shot you need.
3. Send out all your dogs and one might return with prey.
4. Never wallow in your troubles; despair must be kept private and brief.
5. Learn to live with your mistakes.
6. Expand your knowledge and understanding of music and literature, old and modern.
7. That roll of unexposed celluloid you have in your hand might be the last in existence, so do something impressive with it.
8. There is never an excuse not to finish a film.
9. Carry bolt cutters everywhere.
10. Thwart institutional cowardice.
11. Ask for forgiveness, not permission.
12. Take your fate into your own hands.
13. Learn to read the inner essence of a landscape.
14. Ignite the fire within and explore unknown territory.
15. Walk straight ahead, never detour.
16. Manoeuvre and mislead, but always deliver.
17. Don’t be fearful of rejection.
18. Develop your own voice.
19. Day one is the point of no return.
20. A badge of honor is to fail a film theory class.
21. Chance is the lifeblood of cinema.
22. Guerrilla tactics are best.
23. Take revenge if need be.
24. Get used to the bear behind you.

Advice for filmmakers (and people in general) from the back cover of Paul Cronin’s collection of conversations with the director Werner Herzog, entitled Werner Herzog – A Guide For The Perplexed.

Previously: Werner Herzog Really hates Chickens

kottke

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Of these frankly superb Communist era Czech posters for Hollywood films (the top one, believe it or not, is for Ghostbusters [1984]), Jason Pirodsky of Expats.cz explains:

Some writers attribute the bizarre nature of Czech (and Polish) movie posters from the 1960s through the 1980s to “an artistic alternative to banned U.S. publicity material” (what, the posters were banned, but the movies weren’t?), but the actual story is much more interesting. While artists behind promotional material elsewhere needed to be able to sell their product in the most effective (read: least imaginative) way possible, the communist regime inadvertently created a unique environment for this particular form. Free from most commercial interests, the artists behind these posters were given an incredible amount of free reign over their design – an artistic freedom even the filmmakers behind the movies didn’t enjoy.

MORE: Top 25 Czechoslovak Movie Posters (*for US Films) (Expat.cz)

(All images: Terry Ponozky)

(H/T: Qzak)