How To Get Out Of Reviewing The Papers On Tonight With Vincent Browne, Should He Ever Ask (And He Will).

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A dog barks. The phone rings. Will you review the papers on Tonight, tonight?

“Tonight?,” you say.

“Yes, Tonight, this very night, tonight”

To which you reply: ‘Tonight with Vincent Browne, tonight? It’s very late at night. Why, of course I’ll do it’. And, right there, the wily old hack has you.

Don’t worry. Learn these excuses off by heart. But hurry, little ones, there’s not much time left.

10. “Can I get a taxi voucher to go back to Wicklow after the show. Hello? Is this thing on?

9. “I don’t read. Never have. I listen”

8. “Are. You. Out. Of. Your, Fucking. Mind?” (don’t wait for answer, just hang up)

7. I don’t know where you’re going later but I’ve a cabin. It’s simple: candles and a fold-out. We can just talk.

6. “Just as long as I can quote from my blog.”

5. “Vincent, my family haven’t forgotten how you treated Nan when you were at UCD. Yeah, well, she remembers because she was in LOVE.”

4. “If I wanted to be in the Ballymount Industrial Estate at midnight I’d have taken up joy-riding.” (you may add for colour: “Not that those kids can catch a break, what with the political system as it is.”).

2. “If I wanted to be brow-beaten and sighed to death I’d have exhumed my father.”

1. “Here, while you’re on. I’m thinking of launching a weekly current-affairs magazine. Hello? Is this thing on?”

(Pic by Photocall Ireland)