Charlie’s TV listings for the Big Day:
8am Extreme Dress Conjecture
Top scientists take turns speculating about Kate Middleton’s dress, bypassing trite discussion of its potential colour and style in favour of determining its approximate atomic weight, by feeding a schoolgirl’s crayon sketch of what it might look like into an onyx supercomputer studded with flashing lights.
9.00 Elephant in the Room Street Party
Live televised royal wedding street party at which, for no particular reason, any discussion of the royal wedding, no matter how tangential, is strictly prohibited, a policy enforced by an emotionless computer-controlled crossbow that automatically executes anyone so much as mentioning it. Survivors win £2,500 for a charity of their choosing.
9.30 The Only Way is Essex Royal Wedding Special
Precisely what you’d expect, but somehow worse.
10.00 Brief Flurry of Excitement as Ben Fogle Arrives at Ceremony
10.15 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Snarky Comment Re Prince William’s Hairloss
10.30 I Couldn’t Care Less About the Royal Wedding and I Don’t Care Who Knows It
Pundits declare their ambivalence toward today’s event while standing on brightly coloured plinths clutching armfuls of live chicks in order to make them look slightly silly for bothering.
11.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Joke Re Kate Being Taken Up the Aisle
Read the Rest: Charlie Brooker’s Royal Wedding TV Go Home (Guardian)