Questions as old as time itself.
Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?
And what sort of person nicks a “clapped out, girl’s bike”?
Bereaving Kate Kavanagh seethes:
Someone stole my bike.To the thieving bottomhole who spent several minutes disconnecting the drainpipe from the wall in order to slide the lock down – for that is how it was done – I have one question. Why?
Why did you steal my fupping bike? It couldn’t have been planned, because if you planned to steal a bike, you would have picked a better one than mine. My bike is a heap of shit. But it’s MY heap of shit and I need it to get around. Besides, I’m pretty fond of it. I know you’re not supposed to get attached to stuff, but my bike was a great buddy. We went everywhere together.
It’s not a great looker, but it has character and is extremely reliable. And except for this morning, it’s always been there for me, so I was really upset to find it gone. I stupidly looked up and down the road in case I’d left it somewhere else, or maybe hoping that you, the thief, got bored and abandoned it. But no, you stole it. And I want to know why?
My bike is a bottom feeder in the style stakes, deliberately so in order to deter arseholes like you. I went with what is clearly now a flawed theory that there’s always a better bike than mine to steal. If someone is trading in stolen bikes, then they’d target the cool and valuable ones, no? So again, I ask you, why did you steal my bike? It meant more to me than it could possibly mean to you. I need it. I travel around town on it. I cycle to Trinity and to yoga classes and to pubs – I’m a pure hippy dippy nerd and I need my bike because it’s the cheapest and easiest way to get around. OK, it’s fun too. But do you need it? What do you need it for?
If you need a bike long term, you really can get one cheaply enough (without going to a bike fence and buying someone else’s stolen bike). Did you need it to get somewhere in a hurry? If you’d knocked on the door, I’d probably have loaned you the bike. Hell, if you had a good enough story, I’d probably even have given you the bike. I’d hate to see anyone stuck. Like the way I’m pretty much stuck now without my bike. So why did you steal it? Is stealing bikes your business? Will you sell it on? Who buys clapped out bottom-of-the-range girl bikes?
My bike has an old Tesco bag on the saddle, held in place by an older scarf, because the saddle never really dried out, and you’ll be half way into town before the tell tale squishy damp seeps through and soaks your bottom. Will this crime really pay? I get why greed and / or need pushes people into crime, and I see how people are tempted by big bucks. If a banker makes an illegal euro on every €1000, it’s still a crime and I know it filters down to affect us all, but it’s kind of removed.
Stealing my bike is as personal as it gets, and I’m really mad. Even with the new brake pads you’d be lucky to get €100 for my bike. Is that really worth it? If you think stealing my bike is a good economic investment, then not only are you a thief – you are a stupid thief.
I know people will say I’m stupid for locking my bike to the drainpipe, but why shouldn’t I? The lock (and yes, it was through the back wheel, not just around the saddle) is just a token deterrent. I didn’t get complacent. That’s how I had it locked all summer, and up to now I thought – who’d want to take my bike? Is it so wrong for me to think like that? The problem is not me – or how I lock my bike. The problem is you, and why you – for you are the thief – stole my bike?
That’s why I’m mad as hell. You have forced me to think of the world as being full of thieving bottomholes. Now I have to mind things I really have no value on, because I need them. You didn’t just steal my bike, Mr Thief, you stole my faith in humanity. Right now, rogue bankers are safer with me in a small room than you, the thief who stole my bike. And I was pretty mad at rogue bankers.
A word of warning. If you’re reading this, and you’ve bought a bike that’s too cheap to be true, then you are almost as bad as the thief. Almost. I accept you distance yourself from the theft emotionally – and this piece is a prompt that your distance is false and cultivated, but, ethically you are still an accomplice to the theft of my bike. I know my bike, and if I see you riding around town with a wet bum- I’m going to turn my yoga mat into a very unyogic lassoo and aim it at the spokes. Consider it karma.
Better still, if you’re reading this and you are the thief who stole my bike last night, could you please bring it back? Just leave it outside – hopefully no-one will steal it. I want my fupping bike back. And I still want to know why you took it – so feel free to leave a note. I’m going out for a walk.
Jay.
To the sus.
Pics: Kate Kavanagh
scrotes be stealing bikes just to get places and then throwing them away
some people are just arseholes
I’m sure a comment section somewhere on the internet will provide an object example soon
There’s gangs of roma men robbing bikes in Dublin
How do you know that, Bill?
“…throwing them away…”, yep, found 1 in my garden where the scrote abandoned it on his/her way home. The owner had the presence of mind to write their number on the crossbar, so I rang and returned it.
If you’ve a ratty bike, write your number on it.
While I’m here, write your email inside your wallet.
They didn’t loosen the drainpipe. They lifted the house up. Duh.
maybe the thief did this guy a favor. he seems to have gone abit flan O’Brien with this bike.
So is this bike owner who is a bit fond of saying “bottom hole” going to compensate the owner of the house whose drain has been damaged – the real innocent victim of this caper?
Why? A bag gear is a score. End of story.
I believe this should be retitled ‘Rant at Bicycle-Thieving Ass Hats and All Associated Arseholes’.
I hope this was clampers’ bike. Might shut that fool up for a while.
This fool is still here. Now, why don’t you go pleasure yourself with a Toilet Duck nozzle.
I’m sure our bike thief is trawling Irish news blogs for open letters to him about his Ill-deeds
First mistake, thinking bike thieves read things.
Maybe try to post a picture story up near some local bookies.
hahahahshahaha who locks a bike to a plastic drainpipe, u can talk them into falling down for jebus sake. they didn’t spend minutes taking it they spent seconds breaking the plastic. lesson learned the hard way.
Cowboys Ted!
Yep, not the smartest move. Guess she’ll have to walk now eh….the bottomhole
How do you know someone went to Trinity? They’ll tell you ;)
Nice one BigWig .
I didn’t read it that far myself.
Well spotted.
Some people need a (very gentle) slap.
How can you tell someone who did not go to Trinity who is jealous of someone who goes to Trinity?
Simple. They will tell you with their petty little resentful words.
Found the person who went to Trinity.
Maybe she’s one of the skips?
Hard luck Kate, I’m sorry for your trouble. I’m sure your bike misses you as much as you miss her.
Best thing is to move on, don’t let it change your life, go find yourself a new steed as soon as possible and make it your own. Try the garda bike auction and save a lost bike from ending up in the bike rack in the sky.
Good advice, I concur. Don’t let it get you down.:)
May the thief suffer eternal crotch rot, and the stolen goods buyer eternal and painful and leaky haemorrhoids.
I take it the addle was dodgy then
Saw a great video recently of a bait bike tied to a tree that had robbers on their arse several seconds after cycling away. I want to re-enact it in Dublin and shame all bait takers. Think of the likes we could generate. Think of them. Interested parties apply within.
I like it anyway
Even if I’m not looking for ‘likes’
Or whatever
There’s a big market for so sh1t they’re coll hippie dippie nerd bikes. Genuine Tesco bag saddle cover? Gold.
*cool
Locks bike to a drainpipe, is aware it’s not a good idea.
Uses liberal south sidey new site to ask existential questions to the illiterate inner city thief
Broadsheet is a bit like Joe Duffy sometimes
Ha! Joe Duffy with added yoga mats
Broadsheet is hardly a new site. New to you maybe
Yes, you are SO RIGHT.
My goodness, we should ALWAYS blame the victim of the crime for the fact some thieving little scroate decided to steal their things buy hey, why stop with blaming a bicycle theft on the owner of the bike?
(Imaginary bit)
Why not blame every victim for EVERY crime carried out against them. Fill the jails with the person the crime was carried out AGAINST rather than the perpetrators. What a happy world that would be.
What a big meanie.
Have a cupcake to help you get over it.
Watch the Zooey Deschanel canon while you’re at it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tufnWwV2J5I
Cupcakes and “Yays”
A matter of seconds to dismantle that pipe more like, if you don’t take proper care of your stuff you don’t get to go on an unbridled rant about how upset and set you are now that it’s gone. If your bike is that important to you, lock it properly.
Why are you blaming her and not the thief?
I am so sorry to hear about this bad news. My previous mountain bike was also stoled. Now, I have my eyes always on my bike. At night, I lock it in my garage and I don’t trust any bike lock. To a thief, the lock is useless.
Your presumption is what got your biked nicked. If you loved it so much you should have protected it better than with just a ‘token deterrent’. Still, i hope you get it back, and if you do, look after it properly.
“Right now, rogue bankers are safer with me in a small room than you, the thief who stole my bike.”
I’m actually on board with this. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than beating in the skull of a bike thief with a u-lock.
“and is extremely reliable”
What, like it starts every time?