It’s Frilly on Friday.
Frilly Keane writes:
You are about to launch into the maiden ‘Pudding’ interview. Read along as my older, much older, lover unravels himself. Get yerselves stuck into the Black n’White of this week’s Frill-Bit, Save yere oul’leftovers n’bitching for Mercy on Monday..
Occupation? “Mostly Villain, apparently. But I am not a villain, I am interesting.”
What is your most treasured possession? “A blunt spoon, I believe. Although I do have a particular affection for whooshing fur cloaks. And riding boots. You cannot deny the boots… Especially You.”
Tis those long legs…. Seeming even longer…. I can’t help meself “Who bade you to?”
Pain or Death? “That’s my line of questioning! You Steal From ME! … For Them? …. THAT’S IT! Cancel the scraps for the lurkers, the trolls, the users and the losers, no more merciful reply’s and edits, and call off the Paddy Cosgrove slag’mas!”
Sur’ tis only the t’internet? “So just starve them out! … and slaughter their Wifi.”
That’s for next week’s one.
What sleb-reality show would you most like to be on? “A Sleb! … It sounds like something that should be shoveled out of my way…..tsk, fhuuuh, do you really need an answer?
I’ll just keep asking “fhuuuh… just to shut you up …. emmmm … who won’t have heard of Cumberbatch?
Probably the Diving under the Ice for Gold lads. Those outback tribes’ ignorance of me would be a fortunate situation … let that be known….Note It!
NOTED! Look I’m noting it ….So? Hell’s Kitchen maybe. I could take that Ramsey heart out with my spoon … definitely not Geordie Shore.
Why, they might see you as “a bitta’v’sort like” They can do what they like, humans should be nervous of the Newcastle accent.
So you are human? “Only around you Lass.”
How would you like to die? “Am I to be proffered a menu? I don’t intend to die. Dying is for the lepers and the poor and the talentless and the Irish Labour Party.
Ah now that’s a bit mad. “Fear not for my sanity, Frilly, for in madness, there is great power.
So, if you had to have one, what would your epitaph be? “Love Me or Hate Me but you will never forget me? Maybe….Feared and Revered….classically cut into a virgin licked to a shine granite sword… as long as it’s bigger and better than Arthur’s….. I say we get drunk now, because I’m all out of ideas.”
OK so, virtues, have you any? “Beauty and Brillance, obviously. And a handsome level of style.”
Any you might like to call overrated? “Patience. And Tolerance…. ‘course.”
And underrated? “Greed…. Wait… I’m supposed to want it all… don’t use that, it will only inspire competition.”
What talent would you most like to have? “Am I short! What could I possibly be lacking?”
Sometimes I like a lad that is good with his hands….ahem “Tsk…. Could you be anymore more obvious? It doesn’t suit my sweet girl, enough with the ire inducing; I suppose it would be an asset to sing like Julio.”
The Spanish fella? “They have to be good at something that doesn’t require garments with their names and catalogue numbers on them.”
Who are your heroes? “EEEEAASSSYYY! The receivers of Stealth Taxes … Gimme Gimme Gimme and not a drop of blood shed. Delicious! Laureate Stuff ….Notable mention to the Phil of the Hogan, the most useless gimp ever to live a life that rewards a thick hick like he invented the Flat Screen … yet unfortunately worthy of even the most measly’ist of a nod. …. But the gift of the Royal Garter goes to the High Pretender King of Redactions and Relishes. Who could fail to admire his silent seizing of treasures from the people and keeping it all for himself. Non-Recourse Painless Enrichment, the best kind. You Celts should name one of your County’s after him. Scribble out Leitrim and change it to Dobberary.”
What is your biggest fear? “The average industrial wage. And a wider Smoking Ban.”
When do you lie? “Probe’ish aren’t we. I like your ticklish itching type of foreplay…tsk.. suppose “How are you” is the inquiry, the utterer should hear “none of your damn business!” But, on the odd occasion when it promises a shortcut out of the imbecility of a conversation, I might utter fine or shit or horny or whatever my current state of mind produces all on its own.”
Are you lying now? “Always, Frilly.”
If you were to be a fictional superhero who would it be? “Me! This impertinence might require a spanking.”
Not yet. “Bring a friend.”
Spuds… Mashed, Chipped, Roasted, Boiled, fancied up with stuff? “None. They grow in muck covered in shit and favored by peasants.”
Give over yer not that grand, who do you think you are Simon Coveney? “fhuuuh… if I must…fat chips with a splurge of brown sauce….. happy?”
More than … I’m wet.
Did you know there is a 50 Shades of Snape yoke on tumble? “Enough Chit Chat Frilly, remove your clothes! I am going to count to three, there won’t be a four..”
Frilly keane’s column appears here every friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane