Every week, we give away a voucher for Golden Discs worth TWENTY FIVE Euro to spend at any of the many Golden Discs stores nationwide.

All we ask from you is a song we can play next week.

This week’s theme:
Funny lyrics

What song retains musical excellence while also comprising lyrics – wry, dry or laugh out loud funny – that lift your spirits in the darkest of times.

To enter, complete this sentence

“The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song  are_____________________from_____________’

Lines MUST close at 6.45pm. MIDNIGHT

Golden Discs

Thanks Bertie Blenkinsop

62 thoughts on “Funny How?

  1. Daisy Chainsaw

    The funniest lyrics in a decent song are “Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane. from Love the Way you lie by Eminem feat Rihanna

    1. Otis Blue

      Not a chance. Proper lyrics here

      “Yo soy un hombre sincero
      De donde crece la palma
      Yo soy un hombre sincero
      De donde crece la palma
      Y antes de morirme quiero
      Echar mis versos del alma
      (Chorus)

      Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera
      Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera

  2. Starina

    The funniest lyricscontained in a decent song are ‘So I broke into the Palace/With a sponge and a rusty spanner/She said: “Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing”/I said: “That’s nothing – you should hear me play piano”‘ from the Queen Is Dead by the Smiths.

    Frankly, that entire song is witty humour but that’s the stanza that does it for me.

  3. LeopoldGloom

    “The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are Girlfriend in coma
    from the Smiths’

    Girlfriend in a coma, I know
    I know, it’s serious
    Girlfriend in a coma, I know
    I know, it’s really serious
    There were times when I could
    Have murdered her
    But you know, I would hate
    Anything to happen to her
    No, I don’t want to see her
    Do you really think
    She’ll pull through………..

  4. Bertie Blenkinsop

    So many from Morrissey

    “Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said I’d like to smash every tooth in your head.” – Bigmouth Strikes Again

    “I said, ‘Charles, don’t you ever crave to appear on the front of the Daily Mail dressed in your mother’s bridal veil?’” – The Queen is Dead

    “Spending warm sunny days indoors, writing frightening verse to a buck-toothed girl in Luxemborg.” – Ask

    Or Billy Bragg
    “How can you lie there and think of England when you don’t even know who’s in the team?”

    1. Starina

      One of my favourite rock anecdotes is Johnny Marr talking about meeting Keith Richards, and having the neck to say ‘”Bigmouth Strikes Again” is my “Jumping Jack Flash”‘. What a guy.

      1. Bertie Blenkinsop

        Have you read his book?
        He’s the world’s coolest vegan, teetotal marathon running rock star!

    2. Otis Blue

      Then there’s this…

      “As Anthony said to Cleopatra
      As he opened a crate of ale :
      Oh, I say :
      Some girls are bigger than others
      Some girls are bigger than others
      Some girl’s mothers are bigger than
      Other girl’s mothers…”

      Which, tbh, is irrefutable.

  5. BloJo Brexit

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are “They Call Her Natasha When She Looks Like Elsie” from (I Don’t Want To Go To) Chelsea by Elvis Costello

  6. Steve

    The funniest lyricscontained in a decent song are by Divine Comedy on the track National Express:
    “On the National Express there’s a jolly hostess
    Selling crisps and tea
    She’ll provide you with drinks and theatrical winks
    For a sky-high fee
    Mini-skirts were in style when she danced down the aisle
    Back in ’63 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
    But it’s hard to get by when your arse is the size
    Of a small country
    And everybody sings ‘ba ba ba da'”

    1. Cian

      The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are by Divine Comedy on the track Songs of Love (The Father Ted tune):
      Pale, pubescent beasts roam through the streets and coffee-shops
      Their prey gather in herds in stiff knee-length skirts and white ankle-socks
      But while they search for a mate my type masterbait in bedrooms above
      Composing their songs of love

      Young, uniform minds in uniform lines, and uniform ties
      Run round with trousers on fire and signs of desire they cannot disguise
      While I try to find words as light as the birds that circle above
      To put in my songs of love

  7. johnny

    “The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are

    “Listen
    I know a man called Michael
    He hails from NYC
    Now he lives in Malibu
    In a mansion by the sea
    Production is his game now
    He called my friend Laurie
    He used to be a Beastie Boy
    But now he works for me”

    from The People That You Meet-Slaves.

    (Mike D is the producer)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZg2qNAhSwE

  8. Stan

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are in Common People by Pulp:

    ‘She Said…….”I want to sleep with common people, like you”/ Well what else could I do?/ I said ‘I’ll see what I can do”

    1. ivan

      And from later in the album

      “if fashion is your trade/then when you’re naked/I guess you must be unemployed”

  9. Rich Uncle Skeleton

    From The Past is a Grotesque Animal by Of Montreal:

    Its so embarrassing to need someone like i need you, how can i explain? I need you here, and not here too.

  10. Al Jeers

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are
    “I’m king of the migraines
    Soiled Lord of Tears
    I’m the urban goose
    I’m a river of dead fish
    I’m Miami”
    from Miami – Baxter Drury

  11. Brother Barnabas

    from stuck inside of mobile with the memphis blues again:

    She said that all the railroad men
    Just drink up your blood like wine.
    And I said, oh, I didn’t know that,
    But then again, there’s only one I’ve met
    And he just smoked my eyelids
    And punched my cigarette

  12. SB

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are

    “But you weren’t so nice last night
    You’re such an asshole when you’re drunk’
    And he said, ‘At least I’m okay in the mornings'”
    …and…
    “if there was a God, then why is my arse the perfect height for kicking?'”

    from “Rocky Took A Lover” by Bell X1

  13. pooter

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE by MONTY PYTHON. A wonderful tune to chase away the blues. You’ve come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing, what have you lost? NOTHING! Love it. Get whistling!

  14. small ads

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are by The Boss in I Came for You. it’s the rhyme scheme:

    I came for you, for you, I came for you, but you did not need my urgency
    I came for you, for you, I came for you, but your life was one long emergency.
    Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak
    Reveal yourself all now to me while you’ve got the sense to speak
    ‘Cos they’re waiting for you in Bellevue with their hospital masks
    And I could give it all to you now if only you would ask
    And don’t call for your surgeon even he says it’s too late
    It’s not your lungs this time, it’s your heart that holds your fate
    Don’t give me money, honey, I don’t want it back
    You and your pony face and your union jack
    Well take your local joker and teach him how to act
    I swear I was never that way even when I really cracked
    Didn’t you think I knew that you were born with the power of a locomotive
    Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound…

    (and on and on without ever taking a breath.)

  15. gorugeen

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are Everybody knows by Leonard Cohen. “Every knows that you love me baby. Everybody knows you really do.Everbody knows that you’ve been faithful, Ah give or take a night or two. Everybody knows that you’ve been discreet, but there were so many people you just had to meet, without your clothes, And everybody knows.”

  16. Ash

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are from the aul woman in 92 by Lankum, because who doesn’t like a song about a fart traveling around the place. It makes me laugh every time and Lankum are a fuppin great band.

    “There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
    There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
    There was an aul woman in 92 she let a fart and away it blew
    Inky pinky parlez vous

    The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
    The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
    The fart went rolling down the street, knocked a Copper of his feet inky pinky parle vous

    The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
    The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
    The Copper took out his water pistol, shot the fart and it went to Bristol
    Inky pinky parlez vous”

  17. Ash

    The funniest lyrics funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are the woman in 92 by Lankum, because who doesn’t like a song about a fart traveling around the place. It makes me laugh every time and Lankum are a fuppin great band

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are from the aul woman in 92 by Lankum, because who doesn’t like a song about a fart traveling around the place.

    “There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
    There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
    There was an aul woman in 92 she let a fart and away it blew
    Inky pinky parlez vous

    The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
    The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
    The fart went rolling down the street, knocked a Copper of his feet inky pinky parle vous

    The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
    The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
    The Copper took out his water pistol, shot the fart and it went to Bristol
    Inky pinky parlez vous”

  18. Papi

    My wife she is humpy, she’s lumpy
    My wife, she’s the divil, she’s cracked,
    And no matter what i may do with her,
    Her tongue it goes clickety clack
    Twas early one fine summers morning
    A little before it was day
    I dipped her three times in the river
    And carelessly bade her good day

  19. Pat Walsh

    In my opinion, the funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are those in The Outdoor Type by The Lemonheads from their Car Button Coth (1996) album. It’s also contained on their 1998 Best Of compilation. It was originally written by an Aussie dude named Tom Morgan & the original had appeared a few years earlier in a version by his band, Smudge, on their Impractical Joke EP. Frank Turner also recorded it in 2006 on a split single, which also appeared on his First Three Years compilaion in 2009. The bit about missing a once-off TV show dates the song somewhat, but it was funny at the time. You can listen to the song on YouTube and, possibly, other online platforms.

    The Outdoor Type

    Always had a roof above me,
    Always paid the rent,
    But I’ve never set foot inside a tent.
    Can’t build a fire to save my life;
    I lied about being the outdoor type

    I’ve never slept out underneath the stars,
    The closest that I came was that one time my car
    Broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night.
    I lied about being the outdoor type.

    Too scared to let you know you knew what you were looking for,
    I lied until I fit the bill, God bless the great indoors,
    I lied about being the outdoor type.
    I’ve never owned a sleeping bag, let alone a mountain bike.

    I can’t go away with you on a rock climbing weekend,
    What if something’s on TV and it’s never shown again.
    Its just as well I’m not invited, I’m afraid of heights;
    I lied about being the outdoor type

    Never learned to swim, can’t grow a beard or even fight,
    I lied about being the outdoor type.

    1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

      I saw the Lemonheads in LA in a small venue in 1994. They were appalling. I’m not sure Evan Dando knew he was performing.

  20. Otis Blue

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are “Even at the age of ten Kevin was a smart boy then. He always beat me at Subbuteo
    ‘Cause he “flicked to kick” And I didn’t know…”from My Perfect Cousin by The Undertones.

  21. Otis Blue

    And another from the North, Andy White’s epic Religious Persuasion

    “… A lamb to the slaughter
    a human sacrifice
    I told their spiritual leader
    his sceptre looked nice

    a hymn book skimmed my ear
    but I was only grazed
    I dived for cover
    as the sawn-off bibles blazed
    in the gore I gasped
    ‘was it something I said?’
    then a solid granite altar
    hit me on the head
    a collection plate plunged into my groin
    they marched off discussing
    the battle of the boyne…”

  22. scottser

    Got to be clever bastards by ian dury and the blockheads.
    Noel Coward was a charmer.
    As a writer he was brahma.
    Velvet jackets and pyjamas,
    “The Gay Divorcee” and other dramas.
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards
    (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
    There ain’t half been some clever bas-tards.
    Van Gogh did some eyeball pleasers.
    He must have been a pencil squeezer.
    He didn’t do the Mona Lisa,
    That was an Italian geezer.
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards
    (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
    There ain’t half been some clever bas-tards.
    Einstein can’t be classed as witless.
    He claimed atoms were the littlest.
    When you did a bit of splitting-em-ness
    Frighten everybody shitless
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards.
    Probably got help from their mum
    (who had help from her mum).
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards.
    Now that we’ve had some,
    Let’s hope that there’s lots more to come.
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards
    (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
    There ain’t half been some clever bas-tards.
    Okey-dokey!
    Oh!
    Segovia.
    Da-laa la-laa da-daa da-lee
    De dump di dump de dump-dump-diddle li-lee.
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards
    (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards
    (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
    There ain’t half been some clever bastards
    (Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
    There ain’t half been some clever……..
    …………………………….bastards.
    Songwriters: Ian Robins Dury / Russell Godfrey Hardy
    There Ain’t Half Been Some Clever Bastards lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

  23. :-Joe

    Louis Prima – “I’m just a gigalo”

    Guns N’ Roses -” I used to love her”

    Mungo Jerry – “Somebody stole my wife”

    Johnathan Richman – “Hospital”

    Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers “Chinese Rocks”

    All hilariously dark, mildly disturbing and sad in the same way.

    All three songwriters and lead singers saying “fuck it” and singing positively about bad situations.

    Priceless…. but more importantly fuck romance… these are some of the most honest songs you’ll ever hear recorded.

    Get bent, it’s fun….

    :-J

  24. spudnick

    No Half Man Half Biscuit? For shame.

    Song titles alone:
    Back in the DHSS
    Dickie Davies Eyes
    I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves)
    Voyage to the Bottom of the Road
    We Built This Village on a Trad. Arr. Tune
    Four Lads who Shook the Wirral
    All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit

    Never mind ‘I’ve played postal chess / With a man who doesn’t know me / I’ve got a better frown than Tony Iommi’

  25. f_lawless

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are
    “You can’t handcuff the wind
    If you try you’re gonna fail
    It’s like try’na put thunder in jail”
    from
    Richard Thorncroft – You Can’t Handcuff The Wind (theme music to Mindhorn)
    So catchy I could see this being a bona fide hit in countries that don’t really do parody humor
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDb0Kj4W61g

  26. dylad

    For delivery and musical setting, this is the funniest Tom Waits’ lyric

    Uncle Vernon
    Uncle Vernon
    Independent as a hog on ice
    He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
    He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss

    Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William
    Made a million during World War II
    But they’re tightwads
    And they’re cheapskates
    And they’ll never give a dime to you

    Auntie Mame has gone insane
    She lives in the doorway of an old hotel
    And the radio’s playing opera and
    All she ever says is go to Hell

    Uncle Violet flew as a pilot
    He said there ain’t no pretty girls in France
    Now he runs a tidy little bookie joint they say
    He never keeps it in his pants

    Uncle Bill
    Will never leave a will
    And the tumour is as big as an egg
    He has a mistress, she’s Puerto Rican
    And I heard she has a wooden leg

    Uncle Phil
    Can’t live without his pills
    He has emphysema and he’s almost blind
    And we must find out where the money is
    Get it now before he loses his mind

    Uncle Vernon
    Uncle Vernon
    Independent as a hog on ice
    He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
    He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss

  27. Willy Gogglebox

    Kevin Bloody Wilson:I Gave Up Wanking

    I’ve give up wanking this morning I never thought that
    I could I’m feelin’ better already and this time I’m off
    It for good When I first wanked I’s thought I’s so
    Clever And all of me makes, they were mugs Thought I
    Was the first bloke here on earth who’d ever played
    With his slug It was me own little secret and I never
    Told anyone and the feelin’ I got the first time I shot
    Was like chooks flyin’ out o’ me bum so I’m givin’ up
    Wanking… tomorrow I never thought that I could then I
    Won’t get these bad headaches and then I’ll be off it
    For good I’ve wanked in some unlikely places the
    Shower, the beach and pool a dunny, a tram a dunny and
    The pictures and ebiology classes at school and once me
    Grandmother caught me wankin’ meself in me room but to
    Her surprise I just shut me eyes and Imagined her
    Standin’ there nude I’mgivin’ up wanking… next
    Tuesday I never thought that I could and then I won’t
    Skwint like I do now and then I’ll be off it for good
    Mw dad says it’s gonna take willpower ther really is no
    Easy trick I honetly thought I’dneed surgeryto help get
    Me hand ogff me dick me dad’s been a great inspiration
    He really has been a great help he knows what I go
    Though and just what yo do ’cause he give it up yester’d
    Himself so I’m givin’ up wanking next erid’ I never
    Thought that I could and then I’ll be off it for good
    So if you don’t wank you’re a lair and a fool if you
    Say that you do so next time you see, prince charles on
    TV remember he wanks himself too so I’m givin’ up
    Wanking come christmas I never thought that I could and
    I’ll sell me dog and me white cane and then I’II throw
    Away me dark glasses and then I’ll be off it for good

  28. Chrome auto Phil

    I don’t even know what you want.
    Excuse me while I buy a second-hand combine harvester.

    Is this about Spandeau Ballet?

  29. It was all a dream

    So many Flight of the Conchorss could be joint winners, but 2 of the best are:

    -Carol Brown-
    Loretta broke my heart in a letter
    Told me she was leaving and her life would be better
    Joan broke it off over the phone
    After the tone she left me alone
    Jen said she’d never ever see me again
    When I saw her again, she said it again

    Jan met another man
    Liza got amnesia, just forgot who I am
    Felicity said there was no electricity
    Emily, no chemistry

    Fran, ran, Bruce turned out to be a man
    Flo had to go, I couldn’t go with the flow
    Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
    But I’m hoping that you’ll stick around

    He doesn’t cook or clean
    He’s not good boyfriend material
    Ooh, we can eat cereal
    You’ll lose interest fast, , his relationships never last
    Shut up girlfriends from the past
    He says he’ll do one thing and then he goes and does another thing
    Ooh

    Who organized all my ex-girlfriends into a choir
    And got them to sing?
    Ooh ooh ooh, shut up
    Shut up girlfriends from the past

    Mimi will no longer see me
    Brittany, Brittany hit me
    Paula, Persephone, Stella, and Stephanie
    There must be fifty ways that lovers have left me

    Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
    Love is a delicate thing, you can’t just throw it away on the breeze
    He said the same thing to me
    How can we ever know if I’m the right person in this world
    That means he looks at other girls
    Love is a mystery, it does not follow rules
    This guy is a fool

    He’ll always be a boy, hes a man who never grew up
    I thought I told you to shut up
    Mona, you told me you were in a coma
    Tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany
    Mm

    Would you like a little cereal?
    Who organized this choir of ex-girlfriends?
    Was it you Carol Brown?
    Was it you Carol Brown?
    Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
    But I’m hoping that you’ll stick around

    -Most Beautiful Girl (In the room)-
    Yeah-ahh…
    Looking round the room,
    I can tell that you
    Are the most beautiful girl in the…room.
    In the whole wide room
    Oooh.

    And when you’re on the street
    Depending on the street
    I bet you are definitely in the top three
    Good looking girls on the street…yeah…
    And depending on the street, ooh…
    And when I saw you at my mate’s place
    I thought what…is…she…doing…
    At my mate’s place
    How did Dave get a hottie like that to a party like this?

    Good one Dave!!!
    Ooohhhh you’re a legend, Dave!
    I asked Dave if he’s going to make a move on you
    He’s not sure
    I said “Dave do you mind if I do?”
    He says he doesn’t mind
    but I can tell he kinda minds
    but I’m gonna do it anyway
    I see you standing all alone by the stereo

    I dim the lights down very low, here we go
    You’re so beautiful (beautiful)
    You could be a waitress
    You’re so beautiful (beautiful)
    You could be an air hostess in the 60s
    You’re so beautiful-ul-ul…
    You could be a part…time…model

    And then I seal the deal
    I do my moves
    I do my dance moves
    Both of my dance moves
    Ohh-ohh-ohh, ohh-ohh-ohh!

    It’s twelve-oh-two
    Just me and you
    And seven other dudes
    Around you on the dance floor
    I draw you near
    Let’s get outta here

    Let’s get in a cab
    I’ll buy you a kebab!
    Now I can’t believe
    That I’m sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen
    With a kebab
    Ooooooohhh.

    Why don’t we leave?
    Let’s go to my house and we can feel each other up on the couch
    Oh no. I don’t mind taking it slow-ho-ho, no-ho-ho, yeah.

    Cause you’re so beautiful
    Like a, tree
    Or a high-class prostitute
    You’re so beautiful-ul-ul…
    Mmm, you could be a part-time model

    But you’d probably have to keep your normal job
    A part-time model!
    Spending part of your time, modeling,
    and part of your time, next to meeeeeeeeee!
    And the rest of your time doing your normal job…
    Ooh…ohh…ooh.
    My place is usually tidier than this…

  30. Spaghetti Hoop

    *mimes glider flight across dancefloor*
    singin;

    It’s all right to say things can only get better
    If you haven’t just lost your brand new sweater
    Pure new wool and perfect stitches
    Not the type of jumper that makes you itch, oh no
    Dancing in the disco, go go go
    Dancing in the disco, oh no, oh no
    And my mother will be so, so angry
    And my brother will be so, so angry
    And my girlfriend will be so, so angry
    And my dog will be so, so angry
    Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper
    Wait a minute:
    “Where’s me jumper? Where’s me jumper? Where’s me jumper?

  31. Sheik Yahbouti

    All of ‘The Freakers’ Ball’ – Dr Hook. Also, ‘The Cover of the Rolling Stone ‘, same artistes.

  32. Slightly Bemused

    Ok, showing my age here, but i think the funniest lyrics are from a song by Wolfie Smith and the Tooting Popular Front and Naughty Urban Guerrilla:

    Well the rich kids’ fun was over and they knew who to blame
    It was the presence of some peasants who just wouldn’t play the game
    The party wasn’t over yet but I’ve got this kind of hunch
    That some naughty urban guerrilla put some laxative in the punch…

    Link here, for those who are too young to remember, old enough but forgot, or just pain curious :)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYIqzYkW9ZQ

  33. Bertie Blenkinsop

    From the funniest movie ever made –
    Springtime for Hitler

    “I was just a paper hanger
    No one more obscurer
    Got a phone call from the Reichstag
    Told me I was Fuhrer
    Germany was blue
    What, oh, what to do?
    Hitched up my pants
    And conquered France
    Now Deutschland’s smiling through!”

    https://youtu.be/HPXHRX8Q2hs

  34. Niallo

    This gets me every time
    “Every Wednesday morning, at about the hour of ten
    I give the queen my autograph, she gives me the yen
    The man behind the counter smiles, the door man bows again
    Just another day down on the dole queue

    But the government must love me ’cause they keep me out of work
    They must be saving me for something special
    Maybe it’s the job of rolling spliffs for Captain Kirk
    Or giving Miss Lovelace a pubic hairdo”
    Roy harper, one of those days in england.

  35. Blo Jo Brexit

    Back again with…

    The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are…

    “I was delayed, I was way-laid
    An emergency stop
    I smelt the last ten seconds of life
    I crashed down on the crossbar
    And the pain was enough to make a shy, bald, Buddhist reflect
    And plan a mass murder”
    from The Smiths’ “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before”.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SckD99B51IA

    Moz was funny then. Apologies to the Dublin Cycling Campaign and the Great Bike Ride (see what I did there) tomorrow.

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