Never mind the bollocks.
Celebrating a special anniversary.
Warning: Sweary language and intimate situations.
It’s roughly 15 years ago this month I had cock/ball cancer. Me nut swelled to a golf ball size. Doc asked ,”you sexually active?” Nope says I.. . So he says it’s either” mumps or cancer “, I got my MMR and knew it was cancer. You think the whole world is fucked.
I Informed my parents and mates. On the waiting list. Few days later I get the call, a bed was available. That Sunday felt like the longest journey ever. The doc said it will be operated on, like bringing up a conker on a bit of string.
The doc administering the anesthetic was Ukrainian. I waffled about Andriy Shevchenko and a bunch of football teams from Championship Manager and called him a ladypart as my eyes rolled back in my head. I woke up from the operation finding it had been done.
What followed was aside from all the serious stuff (I was informed it was an aggressive cancer and 80% chance of returning as it was lying against a vein) was an hilarious few weeks. Obviously I thought I was going to die. Who doesn’t?
My Da brought in Padre Pio’s glove to bless my bollix. I looked at the old bastard and said “what the fuck do I do with this”, so I blessed my cock n ball. Remember at this stage I’m atheist since I’m 12!It didn’t help the doctor was a huge bear called Ray who got me hard as nails.
Weeks and weeks of tests and it didn’t come back. I do remember a poor Malay intern who used to check my testicle (it was leftie who got removed as I was a right bollix).
I was on the examination couch with my nuts on display. She felt them between her fingers and it was ticklish. I laughed and she laughed. She started crying laughing and so did I and fell flat on my face with my trousers around my ankles tears pouting down my face laughing.
The cancer never came back but I got a pass in life. You search your soul thinking you will die of a horrible disease. I came out of it more atheist. My humour was twisted to the darkest depths that I can only but laugh at tragedy.
The other night I shaved me pubes and saw the scar. Cancer you did me wonders.. Thanks.
Previously: Cheating Cheaters Cheat Us All Part 2