Testicular Fortitude


Never mind the bollocks.

It’s Fluffybiscuits.

Celebrating a special anniversary.

Warning: Sweary language and intimate situations.

Fluffy writes:

It’s roughly 15 years ago this month I had cock/ball cancer. Me nut swelled to a golf ball size. Doc asked ,”you sexually active?” Nope says I.. . So he says it’s either” mumps or cancer “, I got my MMR and knew it was cancer. You think the whole world is fucked.

I Informed my parents and mates. On the waiting list. Few days later I get the call, a bed was available. That Sunday felt like the longest journey ever. The doc said it will be operated on, like bringing up a conker on a bit of string.

The doc administering the anesthetic was Ukrainian. I waffled about Andriy Shevchenko and a bunch of football teams from Championship Manager and called him a ladypart as my eyes rolled back in my head. I woke up from the operation finding it had been done.

What followed was aside from all the serious stuff (I was informed it was an aggressive cancer and 80% chance of returning as it was lying against a vein) was an hilarious few weeks. Obviously I thought I was going to die. Who doesn’t?

My Da brought in Padre Pio’s glove to bless my bollix. I looked at the old bastard and said “what the fuck do I do with this”, so I blessed my cock n ball. Remember at this stage I’m atheist since I’m 12!It didn’t help the doctor was a huge bear called Ray who got me hard as nails.

Weeks and weeks of tests and it didn’t come back. I do remember a poor Malay intern who used to check my testicle (it was leftie who got removed as I was a right bollix).

I was on the examination couch with my nuts on display. She felt them between her fingers and it was ticklish. I laughed and she laughed. She started crying laughing and so did I and fell flat on my face with my trousers around my ankles tears pouting down my face laughing.

The cancer never came back but I got a pass in life. You search your soul thinking you will die of a horrible disease. I came out of it more atheist. My humour was twisted to the darkest depths that I can only but laugh at tragedy.

The other night I shaved me pubes and saw the scar. Cancer you did me wonders.. Thanks.

Previously: Cheating Cheaters Cheat Us All Part 2

Pic: Shutterstock

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26 thoughts on “Testicular Fortitude

  1. B9Com From No

    Haha brilliant stuff Fluffy
    Were you seriously able to still get hard even when your balls were zapped and wrapped in bandages ( presumably)? You’re a better man than me

  2. paul

    thanks for writing that, Fluffy.

    I got a ‘maybe’ diagnosis a few years back and had to wait for a few days for a proper exam and scan. Some of the longest days of my life. I’ve had a few medical issues over the years so I figured, “ah shure, I’ve had plenty of other things, why not cancer at this stage”. Came back negative, just extra water in the bag, so to speak. A poor medical student approached with some wipes and a towel to clean away the ultrasound gel from the scan, I said I’d take care of it. I think they were more relieved than I was at that point.

  3. Joe cool

    About 15 years ago I was almost in the same position. Found a lump down below and thought the absolute worse. Took me a few days to summon the courage to go the doc. In the docs I pretended that I had a cold. Luckily for me he was standing in for his wife. He still is a preminent doctor in Beaumont. After checking me out he asked me what was really wrong. I told him and he checked me out. Turned out I had a hernia. Much relief. Continued good health to you fluffy.

  4. Slightly Bemused

    Glad to hear that you are well, Fluffy, and that you have not lost your sense of humour.

    I had a similar experience when I had to get checked at the doctor (not for anything so serious, but same parts) only the doc was a very attractive young lady standing in for my regular doc. It was… distracting, to say the least.

  5. Lilly

    Did that experience change you Fluffy? Did it force you to look at your life with a sharper focus, to sally forth with new direction and determination knowing that it could all be taken from you in an instant? We take so much for granted.

    It’s amazing the number of people who are dedicated to Padre Pio. A friend got really annoyed with me a few years ago for saying he’d slept with most of the nuns in his local convent, allegedly. These days I keep my mouth shut. Whatever helps get people through the night…

    1. Lilly

      Hope you’re sipping margarita out of a coconut there Frilly as we look out at the rain.

      1. V

        Bahama Mamas. 3 different rums. Cherries and umbrellas n’ all.

        Update from WOCCU 2019
        We had a Blockchain Seminar this morning that was World Class (and I go to a fair load of these shindigs so am a fairly good judge at this stage)
        A grand a head Smurfit School of whatever stuff

        The Jamaican delegation took pity on us as we weren’t suited n booted like the rest of them in Team kit, so gave myself and and Blanch green floppy hats
        Of the 61 Countries represented, the only crowd that got harassed from their own media, yep, The Paddies
        Biggest delegation seems to be Brazil 300 plus easily

        But just for the moaners
        There’s a Pucci guna winking at me from one of the lobby boutiques as I go to and from the convention center,
        Maybe for the closing ceremony
        With a green floppy hat and the mini flag the organisers gave us – stay tuned

        Best turned out delegation – so far it’s a tie between Kenya, Guyana and Jamaica (those black suits all the lads had were Tom Ford stuff)
        I’ll update ye when we see what they turn up in tomorrow, and Wednesday, and the closing ceremony

        Meanwhile we’re all in everyday work casual
        But then we’re one of the few delegations that are mainly all volunteers.
        Which we’re all very proud of

        Shame the meejas aren’t

        Sorry for hijacking your thread Fluff
        Imagine what Eoinalytica and the SBP would have had to say if you’d a’ come with me

        1. Lilly

          Get the Pucci and do a post on BS with a pic! When you come home, get your right-of-reply piece into the SBP. Those Bahama Mamas sound lethal.

  6. Daisy Chainsaw

    Stories like this are inspirational. Of Mr and Mrs Chainsaw’s 4 children, three have had cancer diagnoses and two have had it twice. I’m the one who’s had it “only” once. We’re all living through it, but for one it’s hard fupping work at the moment… and he’s by far the nicest and most decent of us all. The other’s a beligerent, moody sod… and I’m a mardy wagon, so I am!

    Cancer’s the worst. May you be fortunate enough to avoid it and if not, may you be lucky enough to beat it.

  7. some old quare

    Congrats on your full recovery Fluffs- I knew someone who had similar- he ignored the symptoms and by the time he was diagnosed it was too late- he was dead twelve months later- proves the point about getting checked in time. Men are notorious for going into denial with these sorts of things but there are a lot worse than losing a ball.

    From personal experience of illness, not cancer but serious, I know that it sorts your head out- I sometimes wish I could win the lottery- and then I remind myself that I actually have- against stacked odds I have my health again which is WAY more important. xx

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