‘I’m Calling About The Car’

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Gay men married to women in 21st century Ireland ‘exist more than we will ever know’, according to Fluffybiscuits.

Fluffybiscuits writes:

My phone rings at home on a Tuesday evening more miserable than the previous evening, surprising the weather given it is August. At the end of the line is a nervous voice that asks me “Say, ‘you are calling about the car'”.

Attempting to remember, I cop it, this is a a call on foot of a personal ad I posted looking to meet a lad for coffee and a chat and perhaps more than Friendship.

Hushing his voice down a notch, he quietly tells me “the wife is in the other room, would you be up for a bit of fun”. Straight away I have to play along as he follows up with “yeah so will I call over about the car” expecting me to go along with the ruse.

I hung up – cardinal rule, don’t mess around with other relationships, do not be a home wrecker. Lads like these are ten a penny, you couldn’t swing a large fat overweight cat for fear of striking one of these ubiquitous types.

The demographic tends to be men who are 40+ and just as being gay became acceptable/fashionable at the start of the century, there was still too much of an unwelcoming atmosphere for a lot of them.

Men at that time were feeling compelled to enter into a straight relationship with women, have children, dote on them, provide for said family. Weekends certainly came and go and these men would drop up to the park to satiate a lust for the same sex that straight marriage did not provide. These trysts 99% of the time never really became anything more than a casual hook up.

This post came about via a conversation with a man from a particular website and curiosity more than ever prompted me to ask him about his life and what his story was. Let’s call him D.

D got married at a young age going on to have three kids and said love making with his wife was extraordinary but he knew at the back of his mind that he was gay from a young age , engaging in trysts however the wife will never find out as he has too much to lose.

Growing up he suffered abuse at the hands of a family friend so love and sex perhaps became intertwined in ways that deviated from standard norms. Messages came from D either late at night well after midnight or very early in the morning, always a tell tale sign that they are trying to attempt to not let the wives find out their minor indiscretions.

TV presenter Philip Schofield came out at a time when it was reported that there was a potential kiss and tell story coming in that Sunday’s papers. The sympathy was certainly pouring out at how brave he was at coming out but there appeared to be little sympathy for his wife at the time.

I parked this article as I was writing it as I needed to run a few errands and popped back home last night to settle down with a bit of TV and a take away, standard midweek fare. Unsurprisingly my phone rang again and this time was a chap we will call B from down the country.

Married for 14 years and living in a small rural town it was fairly easy to read between the lines. B was engaged and was due to get married to the love of his life who he had been with for a few years.

Bluntly and directly I asked him was he gay, the poor lad stuttered: “No, I just like sex with men”

‘Sex with men’ was a term brought into common parlance for such men, something coined to avoid demeaning their masculinity if you were to ask me.

Every time a lad like this rings me he usually blocks his number. B then asked “you are not going to out me are you”…heavily I reassured him no as that was not what I was about but said firmly married men are not my cup of tea.

Unfortunately I have the bad habit of trying to be their friend when at the end of the day and attempting to urge them not to get married and giving numbers for helplines so they avoid future unhappiness.

Then there is the man who I met for a coffee after he insisting in calling into my place. We agreed to go to the Spar up the road from me and once we sat down he told me about his wife. He left her September last year for a man he met down the Phoenix Park, a young chap that made him realise he was truly batting for my side and took it upon himself to move into the chap’s bedsit.

Asking after the welfare of the wife and kids, he shuts me down (and perhaps rightly so, I’m nosey) he tells me that he no longer talks to them but that he is happy now, grabs his coffee gleefuly informing me of heading down the park that evening.

Ask any gay man who is out and on the prowl or on the pull and they will tell you that they have different and varying ideas on their approach to married men.

One friend of mine avoids them at all costs, scoldin’ them for their infidelity, pouring scorn on their cheating ways. Many though will accept that they are homme fatales, liaisons should go ahead because if it’s not them getting the married man then it’s going to be someone else thus they may as well enable the behaviour.

There is no right or wrong answer in any of this. Just men finding their feet among many different realities they cannot accept.’

Previously: Fluffybiscuits on Broadsheet

Pic; Allstock

21 thoughts on “‘I’m Calling About The Car’

  1. Gabby

    From this piece I am mindful of two key words concerning relationships –
    love and fidelity. I don’t think those words appear in the above. But I agree it is important to think about devoted wives and their children when married men start looking for other men.

  2. Janet, dreams of big guns

    how sad for everyone involved,
    if I was the wife I’d prefer the however hurtful truth over any lie

      1. Gabby

        Human nature 21st century, regardless of new communications and technology, is the same as 20th, 19th and 5th centuries as far back as the Big Bang or whatever. Women have hoped for love and fidelity even if hopes were often unrealized and truth concealed.

  3. Cian

    From my much younger days in an on the road job; the closeted married lads were all mad against using condoms also. Wife on the pill or they’ve got the snip and forget the other reasons for using them.

  4. SOQ

    Good topic fluffs but I am not sure about your 40+ deadline- I have seen plenty of recent times well under that age. There is a kind of a rule that you should not judge but I do and I see no reason not to. It is bad enough finding your partner was unfaithful but that your entire relationship was based on a lie must be devastating.

    If we are equal then we are equal and I see no difference between a straight man and a bisexual/ gay man deceiving their partner- the gender of that partner is irrelevant as is the gender they are playing about with. You make a commitment then you dammed well stick to it and if you can’t- then you first and foremost come to a new arrangement with your partner- no deceit- ever.

      1. Janet, dreams of big guns

        gambling with someone else’s health, possibly seriously so is just not on

  5. Janet, dreams of big guns

    my experience with the under thirties anyway is that they are much more open about their sexuality and polyamourus lifestyles, only fair

    1. Cú Chulainn

      That’s for sure. There’s a lot of judging going on here. Man needs the ride off another man. So what ? Why on earth would you want to upset your wife by telling her outright. I have a feeling any woman living with a man who likes sex with other men has very good idea what’s going on. What’s good for the goose.

        1. Cú Chulainn

          Ah, I am a bit.. but I have learnt over the years that you can never really know what goes on in another’s relationship. It’s assumed that there is deceit, but that’s just an assumption. I have seen couples where a wife, or husband, knows what the other gets up to. Sometimes they talk about it, sometimes they don’t. But they make the decision that on balance it’s just one part of an overall package and they are quite happy to accept that. Even welcome that their partner has found a happiness. My point is that it’s easy to assume, generalise and judge. Particularly when young. But that’s not always the full story.

  6. Mike

    This describes one of my neighbours – a farmer.
    His kids were roughly my age and we were in the same secondary school.
    He and my parents took it in turns doing the school run.
    I bumped into him in the George once, just having pints and chatting to his group of middle aged friends.
    He and his wife had been separated for years, she moved out and left him with 4 kids in primary school.
    She took a lot of heat from the various neighbours “abandoning the husband and kids etc” and then as an adult, I really felt sorry for her. How long had she taken the heat and kept quiet about her husband?
    She had married into a farmer who had inherited the family farm. He was never going to leave – so she did.
    One of the vows I took on my own wedding day was about loyalty to my spouse foresaking all others.
    I know these guys can have a lot going on in their heads, but you absolutely owe it to your spouse to be faithful while you married – while your spouse is unaware. You can go on a “coming out” journey without such damaging betrayal.
    I can’t imagine, but surely being told “there is no love left in our marriage” is better than “I have been faking the whole thing, right from the beginning”
    I hope the modernisation of Ireland means this happens less – too many people (I know men and women who have emerged from this situation) ruin other peoples lives.

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