Kevin Higgins: This Means War


Irish Times, April 16

Kevin writes:

A poem inspired by the great work Niamh O’Reilly of the Dawkey Episcoplian has been doing of late to whip up support for World War Three. It is great to see said newspaper following in its own tradition by whipping up support for word war, just as it did in 1914.

She had, she thought, a thousand things to say
(after Edmond Jabé)

Of the Trinity school of journalese
she was a product.
And when they were told to
people bought her;
put her on their marble finish kitchen counters
and dreamed of world war three and four
and liked her monotone clack so much
they plopped another two Euro coin in the relevant slot
so they could hear once more
everyone she disagreed with
or whose fabulous hair she was jealous of
be called Chinese spies.

And all the other little journalesers
rushed in to squeak their weasel agreement
apart from the predictable elements
who were, naturally, just more Chinese spies.
As people like her tend to
she got what she wanted
lots of people saying her name
though not all of them pronounced it right
and some of them were barely people.
And, eventually, both world wars
and four.

And there were no more marble kitchen tops.
No more two Euro coins.
Nor slots to plop them in.
And, from her, no more squeaks.
Best of all there were no more four wheel drives
or children to drive to sporting events in them.
We all died happily ever after
apart from the Chinese spies and their acolytes
who died most unhappily.
But there’s no pleasing some people.

Kevin Higgins

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11 thoughts on “Kevin Higgins: This Means War

  1. Duncan Wheeler

    All the joy and beauty of a turd in a bag. Both poem &, ahem, peot.
    Go on you good things Mick & Clare.

  2. Rob_G

    Jesus – the Russians are literally threatening to set off nuclear warheads off the coast of Galway to rain tsunamis down on Kevin’s head, and yet he is still on his Vivian from the ‘Young Ones’ schtick, “the west is bad, ergo everyone who opposes them are good”

      1. Kin

        Good old Rick mayall
        He was the greatest at lampooning tony Blair in the new statesman one of the greatest comedians of all time
        Personally I cannot abide toot and ploot or as one could say Wallace and grommet in the EU parliament but they are spot on about the shinaganons going on regarding war in Ukraine regarding our neutrality
        That war should never of happened but it did and the west kept goading a lunatic in Putin along with zelensky
        In all honesty was he that naive that he thought firing missiles at the separatists would not have consequences and Putin a rabid animal would do nothing ?

    1. SOQ

      Why would they waste a nuclear warhead on somewhere like Galway? Do you know the price of those things?

      All these need to do is spray all the incoming weed supply with Spice like synthetic cannabinoids, give it a couple of days- and just walk on through.

  3. Nigel

    They are very popular in media controlled by authoritarian regimes, in fairness, how dare an Irish journalist notice and thereby start worlds war three and four.

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