You Probably Think This Poem Is About You


Alan Kelly: not the subject of this verse

Any Resemblance to a Minister for the Environment is entirely coincidental.

The clasp of his handshake once reassured
prospective mothers-in-law
he’d not disappoint their daughters.
And though his infrastructure’s
in desperate need of an upgrade,
he’s confident he can get his
waterworks fit for purpose,
ladies and gentlemen, here tonight,
and those at home
watching on TV, sometime
within the next twenty
five years. And if doing so

involves flogging
every last rain drop,
from Bellmullet to Garryduff,
at a savage discount, to the guy
who despite his wallet’s ongoing
morbid obesity, has hair
that looks like it’s been stuck
to the skull with Evo-Stik,
then Kelly’s the kind of pragmatist
who’ll make shit like that happen,
whether anyone asked
it to or not.

His tongue rough
as the carpet in a room
where Stevie Coughlan
once talked against the Jews.
For the past six months,
every erection he’s had
has been a member
of the Heavy Gang
about to throw a Provo
onto the railings
from a Garda Station
second storey window.

According to recent polls,
in certain areas of Tipperary,
he’s only slightly less popular
than Richard the Third. At least
half a percent less hated
than this time last week.
Of unequivocal victory,
he has no alternative
but to be certain.

Kevin Higgins

Previously: Kevin Higgins on Broadsheet


10 thoughts on “You Probably Think This Poem Is About You

  1. bisted

    …surely even Tipp couldn’t re-elect this clown after his antics last time…could Richard III go on the ticket just in case…

    1. martco

      I remember that very interview and thinking it was odd, a bit invented like, didn’t fit.

      Our problem is we let politico fuppers literally make up any old poo they want on the airwaves and don’t ask simple challenge questions around the back of them at all. I don’t necessarily think it’s conspiracy despite connections….I just think standards at likes of R1 or NT is at an all time low. Let’s just say there ain’t many Woodward & Bernstein’s involved nor appetite…depressing.

      Kelly will roll on & probably upwards. And nobody here will get called out as liars or fakers…shure isn’t tha the kind of thing you tend to say etc.

  2. GiggidyGoo

    Mr IW.
    Phil Hogan’s excrement.
    Skin in the game.
    Power is the drug

    On his way to join Fianna Fáil or Fine Gael because Kabour are defunct.

  3. Rob_G

    The Heavy gang… Richard the III… Long-dead minor Labour politicians…

    – Higgins really showing that he has his finger on the pulse of the culture, here.

    1. bisted

      …looks like a ‘no’ for Kelly from FG…and sure the sitting blueshirt wouldn’t have him on the ticket anyway…

Comments are closed.