How to Rid Yourself of Election Canvassers

Ask them where they stand on the urgent
need for a Greater Serbia.

Tell them nothing has been right
since the Treaty of Versailles,
for which you hold each
and every one of their kind
personally responsible.

Tell them the council’s been promising
to chop down that tree for the past
twenty five years, six months and two days;
that you’re certain
your next door neighbour is a Satanist,
with dead animals buried under his patio.

Start throwing down chicken feed
to apparently non-existent hens,
and wander about your front garden, chanting
their preferred candidate’s name,
as if in some sort of trance.

If a lady over the age of eighty,
or a child less than twelve,
tell them: no thank you,
you’ve given up sex for lent.
If a middle aged male,
come to the door panting
and red faced, with a semi-clad
woman strategically placed
behind you, and say you have
more urgent business
to which you really must attend.

Tell them you’re pretty sure
your most intimate bits
are an unusual shape,
that you’d like them
to take a look and tell you
what their policy is
in cases like this.

Kevin Higgins


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10 thoughts on “Knocking Them Up

  1. Dhaughton99

    Ask if they are going to get their shills to take the cable ties with them when they are taking down their posters.

  2. Yep

    Or you could engage with all canvassers like the ordinary people they are and inform yourself by questioning the ones you think you support and the ones you don’t. Silly idea. I know.

  3. Ian-O

    I tell everyone that I am very busy but they are definitely getting a preference.

    Even the guy from Virgin media who looked a little confused.


    No point in arguing, I might need a pothole created outside the house or might need some free oxycodone somewhere down the line?

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