No Nookie For You


The Politics of Abstinence

Today begins the great cross and clench
for the Guardian columnist
as her area shuts up shop in solidarity
with people who don’t want to be but are
pregnant in Georgia, Alabama
and places even further from Islington than that.

Tiny flying pickets circle
the entrance to the promised land
with signs that shout:
They Shall Not Pass!
or Dispute On Here.
Though you’d need
a magnifying glass to read them.

So far today, they’ve turned back
the former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,
who, on inspection, was found to be
naked beneath his gleaming white sheet;
a guy called Doug wearing nothing
but a Make America Great Again cap
imported from El Salvador;
some dude she met in college
who used to like to
have his bum lightly chastised
with briars; the professor she once,
at his own request,
fastened to the bedroom door
with strategically placed
black leather belts; and the late
Anita Bryant carrying
what looks suspiciously like
an excessively sized strap-on.

For none shall break this strike
until it’s achieved
the far better ecstasy
of enough people in the internet
exclaiming our heroine’s name.

Kevin Higgins



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27 thoughts on “No Nookie For You

  1. Nigel

    Ah, just a long-winded way of leeringly accusing a woman of looking for attention. Nice one.

    1. class wario

      indeed. i feel like kev thinks he’s getting one over the loony lefties here too without realising laurie penny is a massive figure of fun in uk left circles too.

    2. Termagant

      It’s Laurie Penny though. Distinct of anything else she happens to be she absolutely is an attention seeker.

    1. Nigel

      At least the supposed strike is a response to something genuinely outrageous and horrible, whereas this poem just aspires to be genunely outrageous and horrible.

      1. Dr_Chimp

        Women living up to the age old stereotype that they use sex as leverage and bargaining tool

        1. eoin

          + Lysistrata

          Mind you, is “strike” the right approach in this case, it suggests temporariness.

        2. millie st meadowlark

          Perhaps if men stopped doing all of their thinking with their willies we wouldn’t have to resort to the age-old bargaining tool of sex bans

          1. millie st meadowlark

            Darn. Foiled again in our bid to bend all men to our will via wily sex tactics

          2. Rob_G

            That is such a stupid, sexist, “guess she must be on her period”-level, unhelpful comment.

          3. millie st meadowlark

            Stupid comments deserve stupid answers Rob.

            Such a pity you didn’t pick up on that.

  2. Dr_Chimp

    how many white supremacist misogynists (not sure what white supremacy has got to do with this?!) has this pansexual genderqueer oracle had sex with?

  3. Bertie Blenkinsop

    Why is this all over the news all of a sudden?
    Has this sex strike not been going on for years?

        1. Nigel

          I would have said slow as possible on a Sunday morning but if you’ve been on strike I can see how you might be in a rush…

          1. deluded

            If a couple have a twosome
            and three people have a threesome,
            well now I know why they call you handsome.

  4. Captainpants

    Laurie Penny is funded by the Koch Brothers to make the left look risible. FACT.

  5. dhaughton99

    I wonder if she would have a chance to publish if Rusbridger was still the editor?

  6. Janet, I ate my avatar

    I think it’s a ridiculous idea, if you are having sex with the kind of man who has these opinions you need to do more than strike, you need to upgrade

Comments are closed.

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