You may have seen the billboards.
Today, Dublin is emblazoned with a highly necessary food safety campaign that puts to rest the question of how often you should get a new dishcloth.
As I have often told ex-roommates, ex-girlfriends, and the numerous people I had to bury in the back garden, YOU HAVE TO CHANGE IT EVERY SECOND DAY.
I hope this public safety campaign is only the first of many necessary lessons that need to be imparted to the filthy public at large. I have created a list of other safety campaign messages and I have submitted it, in a sterile zip lock bag, to the Food Safety Authority.
1. After using toilet, destroy toilet.
2. Scrub filthy thoughts from head every three minutes. Steel wool for adults, barbed wire for teenagers.*
3. When boiling neighbour’s rabbit, keep on the boil for at least 10 minutes. Cats: a full hour.**
4. Different parts of bodies must be buried alphabetically in appropriate parts of garden.
5. Before opening mail, incinerate at 4000 degrees celsius for at least 30 minutes.
6. Scrub vegetables until all organic matter has been removed.
7. After sex, cry in shower for four to six hours.
8. If there’s an “R” in the month, you may eat.
9. Destroy all yoga mats before use.
10. Remember: children are drooling epidemics. At all times, carry electrified cattle prod or other semi-non-lethal deterrent in case a child strays within your 3 meter zone.
Living a clean life is not easy. You may have to deal sometimes with “enviro-mentalists” who will claim that throwing out 4 dishcloths a week is unnecessary, or scientists who claim that bacteria is everywhere anyway, and dishcloths used sensibly don’t spread disease. Always carry a chlorine spray to defend yourself from these noxious cave-dwellers.
* We could have a national primary schools competition to illustrate a good poster for this one.
** This one too.