Mordor On The Dancefloor

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CCI16082014CCI16082014_00122012-12-02+17.43.49Alvy Carragher (above), Hobbits (top) and Gollum

The Trials and Tribulations of Being a Hobbit Magnet

The kind of men who usually line up to date me,
look like something that crawled out of the shire,

As far as Middle Earth goes, there’s actually plenty,
of men in the Fellowship I’d happily admire.

I’d give up on poetry and follow them to Mordor,
but those aren’t the sort that come knocking on my door.

No those aren’t the sort that climb down my chimney,
I get ginger-beards with pot-bellies that remind me of Gimli.

It gets awkward when they ask for a date,
because they remind me of this hobbit I hate…

Who took ‘Hell No’ to mean ‘Hell Yes’, because his hearing was damaged,
and he thought it was fate, because we’re both vertically challenged.

See short men think my height is an open-invitation,
I’ll map the hairs on their feet and end their frustration.

They sometimes salivate in the front row,
because perhaps they’re sleeping or hoping to grow…

Or they just don’t have girls on their side of the Shire,
so now I’m on stage they think I’m for hire.

And hobbits are resilient, they don’t understand never,
they think it’s my way of being witty and clever.

So there’s no point in telling a hobbit no,
they’ve a tendency to never let these things go…

But they’re not as bad as the guy that looks like Gollum,
who looked in my eyes all regal and solemn,

and told me not to worry because he’s broken too,
and I walked away because that’s nothing new.

Then there’s the men that try to act mysterious,
going hot and cold to get me delirious…

I guess in their heads they are channelling Aragorn,
but that ship has sailed and those shoes are worn.

The worst is a guy that reminds me of Gandalf,
one of those drama-kings that don’t do anything by half.

He read me his poems by the light of the moon,
with what I assume was dementia, thinking I’d swoon.

I wanted to tell him he was as old as my granddad,
but I’m not the kind of girl that makes geriatrics feel bad.

My problem isn’t that they’re short, bald, dying or fat,
it’s that I’m on stage to be listened to, not looked at.

By Alvy Carragher

Alvy will be performing Trials and Tribulations’ and other works at the Electric Picnic.

Fully illustrated version of the poem here.

Previously: One Night Stands That Don’t Sound Like One Night Stands

42 thoughts on “Mordor On The Dancefloor

    1. ZeligIsJaded

      Indeed.

      Remarkably unremarkable!

      Still though, she’s Irish.

      Fair play. Keep on truckin.

  1. Jam

    Imagine the uproar if a short man wrote a crap poem about only attracting attention from short ‘pot bellied’ women.

    1. Llareggub

      Like this Jam.

      The kind of women who usually line up to date me,
      look like something that crawled out of the shire,

      As far as Middle Earth goes, there’s actually plenty,
      of women in the Fellowship I’d happily admire.

      I’d give up on poetry and follow them to Mordor,
      but those aren’t the sort that come knocking on my door.

      No those aren’t the sort that climb down my chimney,
      I get ginger-beards with pot-bellies that remind me of Gimli.

      It gets awkward when they ask for a date,
      because they remind me of this elf I hate…

      Who took ‘Hell No’ to mean ‘Hell Yes’, because his hearing was damaged,
      and he thought it was fate, because we’re both vertically challenged.

      See short women think my height is an open-invitation,
      I’ll map the hairs on their feet and end their frustration.

      They sometimes salivate in the front row,
      because perhaps they’re sleeping or hoping to grow…

      Or they just don’t have boys on their side of the Shire,
      so now I’m on stage they think I’m for hire.

      And elves are resilient, they don’t understand never,
      they think it’s my way of being witty and clever.

      So there’s no point in telling an elf no,
      they’ve a tendency to never let these things go…

      But they’re not as bad as the woman that looks like Gollum,
      who looked in my eyes all regal and solemn,

      and told me not to worry because she’s broken too,
      and I walked away because that’s nothing new.

      Then there’s the women that try to act mysterious,
      going hot and cold to get me delirious…

      I guess in their heads they are channelling Arwen,
      but that ship has sailed and those shoes are worn.

      The worst is a girl that reminds me of Gandalf,
      one of those drama-queens that don’t do anything by half.

      She read me her poems by the light of the moon,
      with what I assume was dementia, thinking I’d swoon.

      I wanted to tell her she was as old as my grandma,
      but I’m not the kind of guy that makes geriatrics feel bad.

      My problem isn’t that they’re short, hairy, dying or fat,
      it’s that I’m on stage to be listened to, not looked at.

    2. skbac

      Yeah I found it incredibly obnoxious. The mirror image of a really bad, misogynist, hip-hop song.

      It’s all the more galling when you consider that if a man had written this and performed it in public, the Alvy Carraghers of this world would immediately be reaching for their torches and pitchforks.

      Still, it got us all talking ahead of her gig, didn’t it?

      1. Nigel

        About a million misogynistic songs out there, but none so well-policed as one cranky poem about men coming on to her a bit strong.

  2. Llareggub

    I love poetry though somehow I find myself cringing reading this. Are there really all that many men and such freakish ones too, ogling and salivating over her? Or is this all a work of the imagination? Is the reader supposed to feel sorry for her, or laugh or what? I guess there are more questions than answers sometimes. Sorry but I’m confused by this.

  3. legionoflemurs

    I have issues with the way (some!) men go about wooing shorter women and women in general and there may be a meaning to this poem going over my head but based on my reading of it I find it to be really mean. I know if a guy I had interacted with in any way had written something similar I would be crippled with anxiety over whether or not any of our conversations had led him to think that I was romantically interested and whether said interactions had led him to critically evaluate, decide upon and create prose about my low levels of general attractiveness. But we all know men love good looking jerks so I’d say she’ll be fine re the shelfage mentioned above.

  4. Drogg

    I read this, which i am not going to lie was not the easiest thing to do, as the english wasn’t great and thought as above that if this was the other way around there are plenty of regular commentators here i would expect to be up in arms, myself included in that. But then i remembered i am a white dude who just hit thirty so i know i can’t really in all honesty complain. All i will say is Alvy maybe next time consider your Legolas might also be a bit of a d**k and maybe Gimli would have been much better craic to spend your time with.

  5. Not Gerry Adams

    I like the fact that she’s drawn the people who seem to come to the poetry meetings (or whatever they’re called), and it’s 3 groups of men – hipsters, geriatrics and “creatures”. Oscar Wilde said it best, “poetry is for losers”.

  6. Violet

    “The kind of people who like my poetry
    Look and act like rejects from the Tolkien shelf.

    Strangely this fact has not encouraged me
    To turn the critical spotlight on myself.”

    Insulting the people who find you attractive is almost as icky as insulting the people you used to go out with. I don’t see that gender has anything to do with it.

    In fairness, the last couplet makes a stab at justifying the rest, but it’s overwhelmed by the meanness of the rest. You can’t lol at people’s ugliness for ten minutes, then pretend it’s because they chose the wrong room to like you in.

    1. Talismania!

      It’s like Gillian Anderson being awkward about her nerdish worshippers at conventions, although she chose to star in the X-files.

  7. well

    Jaysus, i don’t think i’ll take a chance on approaching her if i see her out anyway even if i don’t fit the above description im sure she’d find something wrong.

  8. Nigel

    Women, as you know, are not supposed to be critical of the appearance or behaviour of the men who come onto them, only be grateful that they get any attention at all. Women with Opinions get sent to The Shelf.

    1. Jam

      I don’t see anybody saying women should be grateful for any kind of attention or can’t have opinions.. A person of either gender complaining that all of the people who approach them are too physically hideous to consider is unpleasant and points to delusions and character flaws. I suspect you would take a different stance if a man performed a poem going into great detail about the physical defects of his romantic admirers.

      1. Nigel

        Why yes, I might, depending. The cultural and social dynamic at work is not the same at all. Nevertheless, we have two comments promising shelfhood to this woman for being choosy and mocking the men who not only come on to her, but feel entitled to be pushy about it, and most of the rest are offended for the men she describes who are of the sort who are almost certainly oblivious. The poem itself is fair game. The poet is not, which is rather the point of the poem.

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