Fluffy Biscuits’ Guide To Eurovision 2017



An annual event as loved as the contest itself.

Broadsheet commenter Fluffy Biscuits takes his annual look at the world’s biggest song contest.

Fluffy Biscuits writes:

Before I tackle the songs, politics as always is at the centre of Eurovision.

Russia, with its presence on Ukrainian soil (‘Crimea River’ anyone?) kicked things into gear by sending wheelchair bound singer Yulia Samoilova with what has become their usual PR tactic of sending a sickly sweet ballad, ‘Flame Is Burning‘, about love, respect and diversity all the while gay men are executed on Putin’s door step in Chechnya.

This ruffled the feathers of Ukraine, this year’s hosts, who, after winning the rights to host the contest (with the “Stalin murdered my whole family by deporting them to gulags” R&B ethnic inspired track “1944”), kicked up and told Russia that their singer was not coming anywhere near Eurovision in Kiev as she had allegedly performed in Crimea, a violation of Ukrainian law.

A compromise was reached by the organisers, the EBU to allow her to perform from Moscow by satellite but this was about as welcome as Michael Barrymore at a pool party. In the end Russia pulled out (not a fan of the withdrawal method myself) and the prosecco and poppers will duly flow in Kiev.

Song wise Italy (above) is the favourite to win this year. On the surface it’s a novelty song but drill down into the lyrics and you have a very clever rock song meditating on the West’s obsession with materialism and Oriental-inspired faux philosophy all wrapped up in social commentary about “The Naked Ape” based on the book by Desmond Morris.

The nearest contenders for the title are Portugal who voted to send Salvador Sobral with a tune inspired by 1950’s lounge music “Amar Pelos Dois”.  a song that stands out as its beauty is its simplicity in the context of glitz and glamour of Eurovision and even just chart music in general (when you have 16 Ed Sheeran songs in the Top 20 the music buying public are not really in a position to slate Eurovision ;) ) .

Belgium comes next with its electro pop inspired “City Lights” although her stage presence means she is more wooden than a set of table and chairs from Ikea. Armenia has gone with an Oriental inspired pop track.

Making up the other two favourites are Bulgaria sending singer Kristian Kostov with the song “Beautiful Mess and at 17 he appears older and next to them will be Sweden whose song “I Can’t Go On” sees treadmills and enough hair gel to resurface the entire M50 over take the stage.

Ireland has lost interest in Eurovision and, by letting Louis Walsh dictate who he wants to sing Ireland’s song and not reverting back to the process of a national selection, we are again victims of second rate bland writing (a Norwegian jury member was replaced after publicly stating this about our song Dying To Try on the Norwegian preview show!).

A number of comments have referred to the falsetto style voice of singer Brendan Murray as sounding like a “chipmunk being smashed with a hammer “and other unflattering terms. Ireland should bring back the Castlebar Song Contest.

The UK, meanwhile, has pushed the boat out this year and sent Lucie Jones, another X factor winner with “Never Give Up on You” penned by former winner Emille De Forest.

Betting wise, my advice is to back Italy to win and get Israel [with ‘I Feel Alive‘] at 10/15 depending on your bookie.

Eurovision represents a mixture of the deliriously funny and the beautiful aspects of European culture. It’s a crossroads of East and West Europe, the politics and the society that it reflects. Enjoy it whatever you opinion!!

Eurovision 2017

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56 thoughts on “Fluffy Biscuits’ Guide To Eurovision 2017

    1. KevBar

      Was Fluffy ‘disappeared?’
      Anyhow good coverage; Billy Barry meets realpolitik.

      1. bertie "The Inexplicable Pleasure" blenkinsop

        He’s been missing longer than Katie in Fair City.
        ( you’re amongst friends, you don’t have to pretend you don’t watch it )

          1. Bertie "the inexplicable pleasure" Blenkinsop

            I don’t really, but I work with a lot of lovely ladies and pick up the storylines by osmosis :)

  1. Daisy Chainsaw

    Louis Walsh’s applecheeked, asthmatic castrato won’t get out of the heats.

    1. Johnny Keenan

      Just because The Bookies say don’t make it so. Lucifer has been known to send young ones and young lads on Ryan air flights to European destinations with a few grand to cast votes before. It hasn’t worked yet but this could be the year.

  2. Johnny Keenan

    Fluffy that’s a great break down of the ole Eurovision.
    I always loved the political voting. For years UK always gave us an obligatory few points while we gave them ‘nil pois’.

    I refuse to back Israel on anything. Are the great euro hope Australia in it this year?.

    I think it’s great to see Ireland flying the Eurovision flag for Palestine TBH.

    Ireland song for Europe ‘Dying To Try’.
    Palestine song for Europe ‘Living To Win’

    “Diggilou Diggiley make Louis Walsh go away so we can pick a song that we all chose.
    Please don’t fuck it up this time next year with more Eurovision blues”

    Best Euro Song Ever!

    1. Johnny Keenan

      Meant to say “pick a song that we ALL choose”. Have to get the rhyming right. Now that’s what I call Eurovision.

  3. Frilly Keane

    Hey Buffie

    You should do a telly tube session with all the oldies
    But Goldie’s

    Red Hurley
    C T Wilkinson
    I might even dress up as one ‘be the Duskies

    Here to day gone tomorrow

    Or one’a the Horoscope ‘wans

      1. Johnny Keenan

        I’d love to go as that turkey that represented Ireland. What’s his name? Oh yeah Nicky Byrne. Na fupp it if yer serious about this lads I’ll go as my fair feathered friend Dustin

          1. Frilly Keane

            There’s always Kiev Connelly

            (Managed by Tony RTE Sports Editor Donohue BTW)

          2. Frilly Keane

            Tight wi’wha’ Johnny

            Kiev Connelly
            Represented Ireland
            88 ish I can think
            Was managed by Tony O’Donoghue

            What did ya miss in the 1st post

            Or do we wait till next year for you to cop on to it, and decide you knew all along

            Your the lad who turned up in the RELAX T-shirt
            A year after they broke up
            And still thought he was Maddest Dude at the mobile disco dance that weekend
            But all it was
            Was a free T-shirt
            By way of a
            A Hand-Me down
            From your cooler cousin

          3. Zena

            @ Frilly

            Can you give up this sniping at Johnny, it’s uncalled for. You made a withering remark to Tony Groves too last week. They’re both nothing but polite to you.

          4. Johnny Keenan

            Thanks Zena Warrior Princess for sticking up for me.

            I was very amused with Frilly’s post. I still have my ‘Relax’ tshirt that I wear at protests.
            If I had known my Eurovision trivia I should have known that Kiev Connolly & The Missing Passengers had the worse Irish entry EVER! (I didn’t mention Louis at all, so don’t be thinking anything untoward).

            I must have erased 1989 from my mind. Thanks for nothing Frilly.
            I couldn’t look past 30 seconds. I won’t recommend anyone looks. Please let curiosity slaughter that kitty and don’t look. You can never unsee.
            What’s the chances of Kiev turning up in Ukraine.

            Interesting to that the bould Tony Donoghue would manage such shite. The cosy love in between RTE staff and Eurovision cac has a serious history.
            They can’t get a dacent song for the football team because of it.
            Ya know the one Frilly that will unite communities on the whole island. On that point I deplore the idea that GAA clubs are the epicentre of any community. What’s your position in the club Frilly?
            Come out and let’s deal with this ole chestnut. A live debate on the significance of the Grab All Association in rural Ireland. Better say All Ireland in case the Dubs feel left out (Croke forbid)

            Back to the thread.
            I take music seriously and the Eurovision use to be a place for serious songs with strong messages.
            None more so than West Germany’s 1982 winner Nicole ‘A little Peace’

            Instead of a little peace it ended up with a lidl piece of our communities.
            But their pain au chocolat are lovely.

          5. Frilly Keane

            Ya wha’ Zena?

            If the lads
            Or anyone else
            Can’t stand up for what they post here
            Or anywhere else BTW

            In the manner I do, have to, and have become expected to

            Let them worry about themselves

            I didn’t see you come out from behind the door when Johnny KK had a lash off me here about “Parochial GAH talk”
            And that night
            That very effin night
            Blow- Holing on the TellyTube about local communities coming together to support each other

            And I didn’t see you remind BS or Johnny KK that his We Beseech Thee thread is only a cover version

          6. Johnny Keenan

            A cover version!
            *palms down his Jedward quif*. How very dare you sir.
            I’d prefer to think we’re on the same wavelength.

          7. Zena

            Frilly, no-one owns a subject of discussion, the prayer is a current bone of contention and Johnny wrote about it.

            I didn’t realise his comment about the way you write, had upset you, hind sight is a great thing, as they say.

            I snipe myself, guilty, it’s just that when it’s from someone that writes on here and it’s
            ongoing to another contributor, well it sounds like they’re bitter. It takes away frim the good stuff

          8. know man is an island

            I thought Frilly’s post was ascerbic but beautifully cryptic and astutely observed. Apparently she thinks the third rate tier bloggers on here are freely plagiarising her own fourth rate stuff, tune in next week when Frilly sets her sights on Leather Jacket Guy saying ” I bet you never even played minor” and ” I was doing all that drinking too much and posting mindless rubbish on t’internet for years before you hun xxx”

          9. Frilly Keane

            Feel free to apply what ever rating, grading, league table, club ranking you like lads

            I walk my talk lads
            I get in
            I say it
            and I stand over it

            I don’t claim to own any topic of discussion or issue
            But if I did a re-hash of sum’ting say, Hearne or Bertie did
            I’d take a hiding for it
            but you wouldn’t see me go crying to Bodger and the mods

            And while we’re on the subject of fair play for every one here on Broadsheet

            Where were all ye when I was left off the wall of contributors here

            The FFer Mooney and the whatever Boyle
            and Bertie
            All got engraved up there before me
            25 plus Frill Bits – and comment counts in the treble digits
            and nowhere near the archives

            phonies and empty shurts

            This is the t’internet lads, ye need to wear big boy pants now

            And Fluff
            sorry your thread got hi-jacked

          10. Johnny Keenan

            As I’m new to contributing to BS I’m still trying to figure out people’s points of view.
            As I’m crossing words with the same heads on different threads I’m trying to form an idea where ye are coming from. Obviously I’m more transparent because I’m on the telly.

            I find everyone interesting and even though I might disagree I still respect everyone’s opinion.
            I don’t take anything personal and if I do have a go it’s to get to the bottom of an issue.

            Back to Eurovision classics!

            This one was so beautiful. At a time when I was 20 years old I felt the whole world was ahead of me and now at 42 I feel it’s all behind me. ‘We just never seem to rock n roll anymore, oh how I wish we could find those rock n roll days again’

          11. Zena

            ..wnd there we have it – the real reason you’ve got an axe to grind. I knew the reason you were sour was your name not being listed previously and that your pieces are monthly now as opposed to weekly. You were a wee bit off with Bertie too when he was writing for a while, just saying.

            I could say FU, I won’t as no call for it. Someone had to mention it or you’d keep going. I’m not attacking you. Regards.

          12. Frilly Keane

            Again Zena
            you have it wrong

            It was me that dropped to Monthly
            all me
            and it was all me that suspended them at different times over the first half of last year
            for reasons like being on extended holiday overseas and being down the van

            and from October 2016 I went to monthly; because of work commitments

            Broadsheet can say what they like about our relationship, or as to why I wasn’t awarded a spot on the Contributors wall of archives
            Its their Gaff
            and its their decision what they present
            But it was ME that pulled back to monthly

            In fact I had retired the Frill-Bit completely around Paddy’s day; MYSELF btw

            But you’ve seen the Boss
            He’s hard to resist

            On another note: They have refused a total of TWO Frill-Bits; one I now appreciate and respect why, the other I’m not happy about, but we’ve moved on. Also know; I have NEVER complained to Broadsheet about another contributor or poster, NEVER

            I stick around for the fight
            I don’t go crying home to Mammy
            and this remains the case, despite the fact there is a thread here that houses a number of replies to me that wouldn’t have survived any other forum I (through associates ahem) have been a regular on over the last 20 years ish. And that’s saying sum’ting.

            The following is dedicated to the Broadsheeter with that very first reply back in January 2016 that started all this Frill Drilling;

            Let it swing and let it rock ‘n’ roll
            Let it swing and let the feeling take control
            Oh hi oh…
            Let it swing and let it rock ‘n’ roll

          13. Zena

            @ Johnny

            They say if you stir the poopy pot you should be made lick the spoon – I’ll probably be licking it for a while lol but you didn’t deserve the nit-picking and off comments.

  4. Louis.lefronde

    Meanwhile in Moscow, they’re preparing the Mother of All Hacks for Saturday night!

  5. mildred st. meadowlark

    Great job Fluffster! You have been missed! Don’t stay away so long next time, love!

      1. know man is an island

        Shur it’s still 1994 down in the boghole you live in wha Johnny your county minors are desperate you’re playing senior hurlin now wha gwanouttadat

        1. Johnny Keenan

          In the immortal words of Pat Rabbitte ‘put on a jersey and tog out’.
          Know Man i played competitively up until u 21. Always on the left wing. Maybe that’s why I don’t buy into the whole gagaga.
          I can take a good shoulder. Bring it!

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