Kevin Higgins: Uses For Noel


Independent TD Noel Grealish (above) has been accused of “racism” for asking whether the Government is satisfied billions of euro being sent abroad from Ireland are not the proceeds of crime

Alternative Uses For Noel Grealish

(after György Petri)

Having spent most of this century saying so little
the Collected Speeches of Noel Grealish TD
could be transcribed on the back of a parking ticket
a friendly Sergeant expunged from the system,
you’ve now appointed yourself leader
of the Blame-The-Black-Guy-Party –
so when one of your constituents finds
wife (or husband) impaled on their
personal trainer or a crisp bag blows
into their garden from next door’s bin,
they’ll know whose fault it is,
even though it isn’t the black dude doing either
their bank account or spouse,
and it definitely wasn’t him who blew that Tayto bag
into number fifty seven’s azaleas.

In light of this, scientists suggest
you be pureed into a paste
which, with water added,
could be served in tiny droplets
as a protein drink to malnourished baby hedgehogs;
or that society employ
a butcher’s apprentice to detach
your suddenly wagging tongue and hand it over
to a witchdoctor flown in
from the Congo Republic
by the Department of Social Protection
to do with as he sees fit;
or that we have a visiting Polish granny
dice you into a traditional Cracow stew
wasting not so much as an eyelash
and feed you to the pike in the Corrib
to see if they can stomach you.

Kevin Higgins

Previously: “It’s Up To Him To Clarify His Intentions”


13 thoughts on “Kevin Higgins: Uses For Noel

  1. PointofOrder

    What’s the problem here? He asked a fair question using figures quoted from the world bank? Surely, an honest organisation. The figures people report to the CSO are just legitimate, taxable earnings. Have we gotten to a stage now where certain groups of people are exempt from questioning?

    1. Fearganainm

      That would be the same World Bank that says remittance estimates from Ireland to Nigeria are not reliable. As Grealish – or yourself – could have learned with a better directed line of questioning.

      Any concerns about people with roots in any other countries?

    2. Cú Chulainn

      It’s not the question, which is fair to ask, it’s the implied suggestion. Another one securing the Casey vote. Just to be sure. He won’t lose a vote and could pick up a lot.

      1. Johnny Keenan

        Thats the game they are playing Cu.
        When are the electorate going to look at themselves and take personal responsibility for who they vote for

    3. Krannyman

      The problem was that he took the total figure. Divided it by the total number of Nigerian immigrants from the last census and then implied that this was the figure everyone sent home each year. There was a lack of context. Corporate earnings were included in the total for instance so yes . What he says is problematic, inflammatory and probably racist

  2. postmanpat

    Was that poem? crisp bags? (context please) Fat boomer is racist no question about (just look at him), it but weird poetry? eh whatever , its Friday..

  3. italia'90

    A Nigerian man moved in next door to Noel Grealish. The Nigerian owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in Grealish’s garden.

    He was about to go next door when he saw the Grealish pick up the egg. The Nigerian ran up to Grealish and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. Grealish disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

    They argued for a while until finally the Nigerian said, “In my country we normaly solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”

    Grealish agreed to this and so the Nigerian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward Greaish and kicked him in the groin as hard as he could.

    Grealish fell to the ground clutching his testicles, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually Grealish stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.” At this, the Nigerian said with a smile,
    “No, no my good friend, you can keep the egg.”

  4. V

    I’ve tried
    Like all day

    I’ve tried to find uses for Noel Grealish that wouldn’t need hand sanitizer, a health warning, a toxic advisory notice, a parents guide, and EPA Environmental Impact Statement, a sheep dip, vaccination or a general hazardous use warning

    So I think it’s best to keep him held within poems

    To hell or to Galway West

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