David Langwallner: Modest Proposal 2021

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From top: Jonathan Swift face mask; David Langwallner

A Ted Talk by Brendan O’ Fúcbag, Eminent Irish Civil Servant to a Meeting of the Bilderberg Group in Lockdown. Location Geneva.

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great town of Dublin, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, crowded with beggars, children, teenagers, all in rags, importuning every passenger for an alms, their simple homes now requisitioned by legitimate – if unfortunate – legal procedure.

Such people would traditionally face the happy prospect of a migratory adventure, to Britain, America, or the Indies. But now all borders are closed and that state policy of exporting the surplus population is impossible. And work at home is impossible because of the Level 5 lockdown and the tourism and hospitality trade now on the brink of extinction.
Decision Makers and Thought Leaders in these times have to make hard choices, tough choices, and honest choices.

I think it is agreed by our representatives of all Irish parties – that is to say, FG and FF – that this prodigious number of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these inappropriate adults and children sound and useful members of the commonwealth, without the necessity for export or internal destitute deserve so well of the public, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.

But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the children of professed beggars: it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants, children and adults, of the vulnerable, so they no longer need seek the charity of the state – our state, built by our forefathers – making great demands upon the welfare system, the charitable- that is to say, the NGO sector, and the courts by bringing frivolous and entirely valid cases. These people regrettably are welfare spongers, a drain on our resources.

As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. Now I have a rough calculation on the fiscal cost of such people, who contribute nothing to the economy. I believe they are part of humanity as are we all (hands raised to heaven for dramatic effect) – and we owe them compassion but firm treatment.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned three million and a half, of these I calculate based on governmental estimates, helpfully provided, that in the light of current and future plagues, the potential decamping of all industry thanks to the presently suspended Apple judgment, the destruction of the hospitality and tourism trade and the depression now upon us, that we can no longer afford even to debate such frivolous notions as a wealth tax, social – that is, free – homes, or any other such redresses posited for ‘inequality’ (for to put it plainly, there is no more a solution to Inequality than to Gravity!).

Our learned friends in NAMA – National Association for Misery and Austerity and our esteemed thought leaders have advised us prudentially.

While acknowledging that austerity is the fate and burden of a great many of these fine people, we must also consider that with immigration now only a slight possibility, drastic measures will have to be introduced to deal with the over 2 and a half million surplus in the light of the virus.

How then should this awful number be reared and provided for? Which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, it is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture – those industries in receivership or bankruptcy and soon to be without the steady subvention of European subsidy.

They cannot afford houses or apartments – not even a humble rural cottage – many resort to entrepreneurship in the form of controlled substances or – worse, being idle, they take it upon themselves to play at lawyering, busying our judiciary with frivolous and costly actions “in the public interest”.

I have consulted with members of this eminent Group, received counsel from Brussels and some very close American and Canadian financial and vulture friends who share our financial and social concerns – banking, internal fund management, and the defence industry – and the consensus is There Is No Alternative. No alternative, other than, colleagues, to adopt the solution of social and economic liquidation, in line with the principles set out by Malthus and Oswald Spengler.

We are past time to create a plan. A structured plan. A Business Plan. For the business of Ireland is business, and business is the business of Ireland. Our business. Your business. none of their business who we bail out not them but us. Our friends and associates and those connected to NAMA.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration, that of the 2 and a half million a number of remedial and corrective actions take place with the enlistment of state agencies.

1. That given the rise of racism in the country and the perhaps legitimate targeting of non nationals and those that are mixed and speckled constructive deportation will be for the benefit of all. This applies to all non EU nationals (with obvious exceptions) certainly southern EU country members, and dissidents of any passport and none including internal dissidents. These are changing times and we need pragmatic solutions to complex problems. National autarchy should be temporarily asserted, and the quarantine and lockdown will provide a perfect opportunity to filter out unsuitable would-be entrants to the Kingdom. The Gardaí, as ever, can be relied on to deal with the rest.

2. That the public should be educated about the need to realize when they have outlived their usefulness and subtle messages, “nudges” as it were, and that life choices considered respectable in other jurisdictions – to wit, euthanasia, or plainly: suicide, be reintroduced to the national conversation. A bill of course is being introduced in this respect as we talk. Constructive interventions may be necessary with some members of the medical community. Learned talks could be given in this respect about the end of life and the life to come. Fellow Christians. Confessions could take place beforehand if necessary and if there is time. Crematoriums are short and and the healthcare system expensive

3. Food supplies will become scarcer and rationing may have to be introduced so I think suggestion 2 will have to be phased in with said sensitively placed social influencers, rugby and GAA heroes, and message managements for captains of industry.

4. That the policy of hyper inflated rents and mortgages will assist the above agendas – people living like tinned sardines will either get out, or will have all optimism and hope crushed and will in any event self destruct or die in increments. and now they have difficulties getting out in fact they cannot get out.

5. Self isolation be rolled on for the foreseeable future and the above goals may be achieved by stealth in any event. We can create hong kong or singapore in europe and embrace the new chinese capitalist dispensation.

6. The police force – from current and new specialist units all the way down to our reliable friendly community Gardai – will have a crucial role to play in this respect, and should be given more power to enforce such policies (established by a permanent-temporary government) in the national interest. We need to reinvigorate and expand The Conversation. This is a time of rapid change.

Certain measures seem inevitable, such as the reintroduction of the death penalty for the majority of crimes (excepting financial misdemeanor or corporate malfeasance, as such cases are exceedingly nuanced as many of us present here know). Building on this, the particular concepts of state subversion, terrorism, and treason should be clarified as being essentially the same crime, and this must be “proven” constitutionally as quickly as the legal process can allow and our judges rubber stamp.

Our move towards simply guilt by accusation or preventive detention. In particular, criticism of public policy and politicians (both regarding the handling of the current plague, and in other matters) can cause national confusion and results in great mischief both to the state and the citizen. It may be necessary to reconsider the unifying role of our traditional religious institutions in this regard. Thank you to our learned family lawyer friend.

Some persons of a despondent spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I have been desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken, to ease the nation of such a grievous encumbrance. Such solutions will also achieve the quicker attrition of their numbers. Such is natural selection. Such is the exciting process of evolution. Such is life, the universe, and everything in it.

If consumers cannot get work, and consequently pine away from want of nourishment, to a degree, that if at any time they are accidentally hired for common labor, they have no strength to perform it, and thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.

In these times of genetic uncertainty we should rely on reliable populations. Irish heritage has been internationally regarded as among the highest quality in the world for many years. We should strongly encourage the public to buy Irish Goods our goods or people. This is no statement against diversity – as we all know, Ireland’s current permanent-temporary tanaiste embodies the rich and diverse values of this modern Ireland.

I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.

For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen the number of Subversives, with whom we are yearly overrun, being the principal breeders and corruptors of the nation, as well as our most dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the anti-market forces of socialism, secularism and human rights at the expense of all else.

I was told by a learned Catholic academic we can use a series of the argument to justify this: We can sensitively reintroduce religious advertising and soft messages of the paradise to come. Many are now going back to the church for solace in these woe begotten times.

We can make these attractive – all arguments are relative – and we can; put these points of view across so people see sense in our views. In terms of support from the United States, we have offers of help both from well-connected philanthropists and esteemed organizations of estimable and wealthy people in America who can provide both funding and managerial assistance.

We have already sought the use in certain proceedings of academics and psychiatrists and experts we trust to be on our side. Of course, the converse of that is also a mechanism of dealing with certain types one encounters in the professions and in public life.

I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against these proposals, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and was indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader to observe that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth.

Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: so called “Taxes on Wealth” and other such contradictory notions as of course it would be a tax on us. The myth of the equal society, the myth that we can replace our energy needs with sustainable sources, and other such uninformed speculations.

We need to act quickly to protect ourselves and our assets as time is winnowing.

Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.

But, as to myself, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon these proposals, which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real, of no expense and little trouble, full in our own power, and whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging Europe Or The Germans, whose representatives here we must offer especial thanks, for in effect the mantra of Austerity has been achieving comparable objectives already.

Now, for the good of the public, we must put our money where our mouth is and get truly serious and implement the unfettered will of our corporate facsist sponsors and exercise control over our Soma like serf induced population and use a police state to serve use the chosen if necessary by violence and criminality. For though we are criminals we are entitled to inflict our criminality on the wretched of the earth and the wretched of Ireland.

I profess in the sincerity of my heart that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my country, by advancing our trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich.

David Langwallner is a barrister specialising in public law, immigration, housing and criminal defence including miscarriages of justice. He is emeritus director of the Irish innocence project and was Irish lawyer of the year at the 2015 Irish law awards. His column appears here every Friday. Follow David on Twitter @DLangwallner

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7 thoughts on “David Langwallner: Modest Proposal 2021

  1. scottser

    ó fúcbag?
    on a friday?
    sorry, i can’t take that seriously at all – i’m off to bake some spicy banana bread.

  2. White Dove

    David Langwallner, a wonderful writer, identifies modern reality very clearly in this piece. The question is, why are things like this? Incompetence – or something more? Perhaps we shall find out soon.

  3. Gabby

    Swiftian sæva Indignatio may succeed where commonplace argumentation fails to move blankfaced decision makers.

  4. Joe

    A excellent piece of Swiftian satire even if he did cog most of it from the vile utterances by members of the Fine Gael party!

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