If You’re Mansplaining, You’re Losing

at

mandate

Vote no.

And save potential form-ticking blushes.

I am a very young 43 year old with two children. I’ve been married to my lovely wife for 15 years and I am concerned that with no consideration to my family the government plan to change the definition of my marriage to suit a relatively small group of people who want what I have but are not willing to do what I do to get it. (Meaning marriage as presently constituted of course)

….I’ve been listening with great interest to the media coverage of the debate and I’ve not heard this particular point covered.

If this ‘Re-defining Marriage’ bill is passed in May. Because let’s face it. That’s actually what the government are planning to do. Re-define what marriage means albeit calling it; ““Marriage may be contracted in accordance with law by two persons without distinction as to their sex.” will mean that post0-May 2015 if the bill is passed any time in the future I tick a box on a form for a mortgage, a driving licence, or any other official/unofficial document that asks my marital status, will no longer mean that I’m married to a woman.

It will just mean that I’m married. I will have to spend the rest of my natural life qualifying my sexuality to others so that others know that I’m not gay and that I am in fact married to a women.

Now I know that some will say; What does sexuality have to do with filling out a form. It doesn’t. It shouldn’t have anything to do with any appointments for a job etc.. It’s the point that people will not know that I am not married to a woman, and, that I might be gay. This will become  a misrepresentation of my sexuality going forward.

I should not have to be put in this situation. I don’t have any issues with people who gay or lesbian. But I will start sounding like I’m homophobic by responding to people who ask in general conversation if I’m married? that yes, I am married, and that I’m married to a woman not Man…..

John J Cole

Mandate For Marriage (Facebook)

Thanks John Gallen

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121 thoughts on “If You’re Mansplaining, You’re Losing”

  1. Del McG

    It’s hard enough to take these fools seriously at the best of times, but as soon as they start using the term “mandate”, all I hear is “Man Date” & snicker to myself

    2. McKay

      Interesting logo-a gazebo with a Gandon dome on top. That works as well as his argument.

    3. ScareySarahCarey

      Anyone else very tempted to set up a dating site called man date for marriage, where the goal is to arrange dates for men with a view to marriage?

  2. ReproBertie

    Wait a second. It’s long been a running joke in my marriage that I have a big gay following and only the wedding ring keeps the gays at bay. Does voting yes mean my immunity from gay come ons will be removed.

    Hurray!

    I mean No way! I can’t be having that.

  3. Wayne.F

    Sweet Lord, this is the best/worst one yet! Reminds me of a gig I was at for a big reggae/ska star. He was listing. Of people he played with! Got to Boy George and qualified it with “Just musically”

    1. Continuity Jay-Z

      Reggae is the anthem of homophobia. That, and more, pointedly Jamaician Dancehall. All those ragga tip nonsense merchants in the 90’s all had a mad back catalogue of seriously homophobic songs.

  5. jeremy kyle

    Is he worried his wife will turn into a man at the stroke of midnight or am I missing something?

    3. Lynda

      This is just playing on people’s fears…the question is who is really behind this phobia? I think most of us know who god’s army is…!

  6. Don Pidgeoni

    Someone has a terrible fear of being seen as gay don’t they?

    This was the best bit – “I will have to spend the rest of my natural life qualifying my sexuality to others”

    lol

  8. Rob_G

    He’s right though, remember when the divorce referendum passed in ’96 and water flowed uphill and dogs and cats started living together?

    1. The Old Boy

      The water thing never went away ’round these parts. It’s a bugger when you flush the jacks.

  10. scottser

    that’s actually going to be my default facetious sneer from now on: ‘oh you’re married? how lovely that you’re gay..’

  11. Sheikh Yabooti

    “Methinks the lady doth protest too much.”
    If they’re going to quote scripture in other channels, I’m going to quote other sources of fiction to support my side.

  12. Der

    Dear John, the surest way to make people question your sexuality is to qualify that you’re straight at every given opportunity. Denying my boyfriend and I our rights won’t let you sleep easier at night.

  13. Sue

    It reads as if he just got married so when people look at forms they’ll know, FOR SURE, that he’s not gay. I suppose ‘single’ is just far too ambiguous.

  15. Drogg

    I wonder does Mark Dennehy know this guy with if you check out his Facebook he is very gun happy. I think Mr Cole needs a swift kick to the back of the head as i firmly believe that as a white married man that i will have to explain to people that i am not a short homophobic moron now that mr cole has made his views clear and i believe that a swift kick to the back of mr coles head would make me stand out a a non homophobe because just cause i do something similar to mr cole people will think we are the same which we most certainly are not.

      1. Drogg

        I am genuinely curious cause Mark seems like a fairly level headed guy and i was looking for a first hand viewpoint of is this guy an absolute muppet or is he someone who we shouldn’t be ridiculing as he has a learning difficulty. Also Mr Cole claims on his Facebook to be a target shooter who one day would like to represent Ireland even though he has photos of himself with handguns in his garden which goes against guidelines for people who have handgun licences so i assumed someone of Marks stature in the shooting community would know who this guy is as it is not everyone who can get a handgun licence.

        1. Stumpy

          Grand, but not really on to suggest even an indirect link between Mark and above mouth-breather. No you intention I know, but still.

          1. Drogg

            Totally not my intention i was actually hoping Mark would see this as i don’t think Mr Cole is competent to have a firearm licence which can quickly be assessed by his Facebook page.

  16. Mikeyfex

    Maybe stop wearing yer daisy dukes down town when you go to fill out these forms, John.

    1. Del McG

      “I’m married to a woman. A human woman. A female human woman. An adult female human woman. Just so that we’re clear, ok? Oh, and I only like disco for the catchy beats and the short shorts are purely a comfort thing. So, in summary, not gay, no siree… oh God, not siree, I mean, erm, madamee, is that a thing? eh, ARGH!!”
      *Head explodes*
      (Not that head, ya reprobates!)

  19. ollie

    everyone’s obsessed with marriage equality, abolition of direct provision etc, but no one dares to mention our racist taoiseach. media bias?

  22. LiamZero

    This John J Cole chap is clearly a bit lacking in the brain department. I don’t think it’s fair of Broadsheet to hold up such people to ridicule.

  23. Murtles

    So will this be the new form filling equivlent of the age old brilliantly juvenile gag of :- SEX : Yes please

    1. Ms Piggy

      Or the equally old, ‘I’m like the Irish Census – broken down by age, sex and religion. But I’m straight!! Straight, I tell you!!’.

  24. Ageyev

    Big up to my boys at the broadsheet dot ie for publicizing this.

    Ironic that John Cole is decked out in camouflage and all the guns and stuff. Gun totin’ phones unite and take over.

  26. John

    so to clarify this guys issue is that he will need to tell people that he is married to a woman and not just that he is married!! brilliant.

    1. Del McG

      I get the feeling that Mrs Cole may not admit to being married to a man… that particular man, anyway

  29. Garthicus

    A great comment from a chap on the post:

    Conor Whelan: John, I totally agree with you. I, for example, fought vehemently against women’s suffrage but alas; These days when I go to vote I have to explain to people that yes, I have voting rights, but no, I’m not actually a woman.

  30. phil

    When he said ‘I don’t have any issues with people who are gay or lesbian’ , he forgot to say he has a gay friend. That how the racists cover themselves when they say something racist they follow , by saying they have a black friend…

  31. Selfie Sensation

    There is a very simple solution to this, he can change his name by deed poll to…

    John I totally Ride Women Especially My Wife (who is a woman) No Homo Cole.

    that way whenever he fills out a form his sexuality will be perfectly clear right from the start and he won’t have to worry about ticking any boxes.

    1. Del McG

      He should totally do, if only so a variety of government bodies shorten it on their systems to John Homo Cole

    2. Mick Flavin

      “Tickling boxes? Why would I have any problem tickling boxes? I love them. Can’t get enough of them. I definitely prefer them to…the outline of a large tumescent penis in a speedo…glistening in the sun at the side of a swimming pool in Cancun…Fabio…that golden Summer before I met my wife…

      Oh! *Ticking* boxes? My mistake…”

    3. St. John Smythe

      the bureaucratic equivalent of getting tattoos of busty naked chicks on your arms

  32. Gavin

    Is this taken from a Monty Python sketch…voice over on pictures of happily married couples, last 10 seconds pan to the narrator who has beard and is wearing a nice summer dress.

  34. Serv

    Think of all the looks he must have gotten filling out forms as a single. Poor fella had to get married to escape all the eyes.

    Perhaps we should buy him a ‘i like ridin girls (as long as i am married to them)’badge.

    1. Serv

      Or perhaps where a form states: Sex, he could tick the female box and then write Yes Please, followed by a winky smiley face.

  36. Lorcan Nagle

    Right, after that whole traveller thing this morning I was going to vote no. But now, if this is the best the no campaign can do I’m totes voting yes.

  38. Moo

    Oh JJ, you’ve brightened up my day no end.

    No, it will not mean you are no longer married to a woman. Silly.

  39. ivan

    so that Mandate For Marriage seems to be run by the same family as the folks who were involved in that bit of excitement in the canteen in NUIG last year…remember the lads Enoch etc with the biblical names?

  40. ceo

    What’s the big deal here. So what if someone doesn’t know what sex your partner is. I mean, if it’s that big a deal, within a minute of the “marriage” conversation you will probably mention their name anyway (problems with names like Frances/Francis, Carol/Carl aside). Why the obsession with what people might think. Man needs to chill and be comfortable in himself. Is it really that bad if someone mistakenly thinks he might be gay. So flippin what.

  41. Mikeyfex

    Bank Manager: Name?
    John: John Cole
    BM: Are you married, John?
    John: Yes
    *BM looks over his glasses for clarification*
    BM: Husband’s name?
    John: No, no, I’m straight, married to a woman.
    *BM tuts and scribbles something out*
    BM: Is she pre or post op?
    John: What? She’s pre op, she’s a woman.
    BM: Ok, so you’re married to a woman with a penis.
    John: No, I’m married to a woman with a vagina, she’s always been a woman.
    *Long pause…BM scratches his cheek*
    BM: I’ll just put ‘Allows a finger or two up it from time to time’.

    I know, John, it’s such a drag.

    3. Selfie Sensation

      And know everyone in my office knows I’m skiving on the internet. Spreadsheets rarely make people laugh out loud.

  42. Weedless

    “… who want what I have but are not willing to do what I do to get it.”

    What horrendous ordeal did this poor bloke have to go through to get married?

    2. St. John Smythe

      having to ride a woman for the sake of appearances, when he is naturally much more into cock

  43. Fergus the magic postman

    Yes, this is very similar to the existing problem I’ve come across when filling out forms that ask for my nationality.

    I realise that some Irish people are gay, and by putting down on the form that I’m Irish, this doesn’t make it clear that I’m straight, which is very important.

    1. ScareySarahCarey

      Sometimes people say “how are things?” when I meet them.

      I’m now worried that if the referedum passes, I will have to spend the rest of my natural life qualifying my sexuality to others so that others know that I’m not gay when I answer them.
      .

      1. Fergus the magic postman

        Gay people often answer their phones. I wasn’t fully aware of this until recently, but I no longer answer my phone. If you are one of the people I did answer my phone to previous to this, I would like to assure you in a very strong manly fashion that I am very very straight, & I’ve never cried at a film, & I hate the smell of flowers.

  45. Laine

    I had a great genuine laugh at this. Very funny. But on a more serious note – the form. My advice is to simply add your own text beside the box. Just because there is not dedicated box doesn’t mean you can’t add your own additional information. I always write ‘yes please’ next to the sex box on the forms.

  46. zackersetu

    I really want Panti or even better … Rory himself sans the fabulousness … to do a reading of this … twould make for some great satire!!

  47. ahjayzis

    It just COMPOUNDS the tribulations of good God-fearing men who just happened by chance to marry the most mannish female they could find in the parish.

  48. Down d'town

    Surely the solution to this is a third category.

    Single □
    Married □
    Idiot □

  49. mike

    If this referendum is passed we’re gonna have to make new forms for John. TV license applications, passport, driving license, the lot. So that no dangerous assumptions are made.

    The first options will have to be
    [ ] NOT EVEN REMOTELY WITHIN AN INCH OFGAY AT ALL – JOHN
    [ ] GAY/STRAIGHT/OTHER

    Then they can move safely on to the MARRIED question.

    Fixed.

  51. Tomboktu

    Ireland wouldn’t be the first country to have this problem. I presume some sociologists can tell us about the studies from Canada, Spain, Belgium, South Africa, Scotland and England, Portugal, Uruguay, Iceland, Sweden, Brazil, New Zealand, Argentina, and the Netherlands which show the serious affect this has on married heterosexual men.

  52. Inopro

    ah bless. some of the no side well their marriages cant be that structured if same sex ones would undermine them

  53. Stephen S

    Thanks for doing your part to support marriage equality! Flooding the no campaign with articles and arguments completely devoid of any sense is one of the best ways to satirise the campaign and win the fight for equality!

  54. Chris Ryan

    He should change his middle name “I Like Vaginas”. That way whenever he fills out a form people will know he’s not gay. Problem solved.

  55. Terry O'Brien

    Firstly, the world doesn’t revolve around you. Is this the best arguement you can come up with? To paraphrase “if gay people can get married, someone might think I’m gay because I’m married”. NO!!!!.
    Second, your sexuality, my sexuality and everyone else’s sexuality is no one’s business but their own and the partner they find in life. The union two people make in marriage is a promise to each other, it has nothing to do with you.
    Third, the amendment doesn’t even neccessarily have to happen. The definition of marriage as it currently stands doesn’t mention the sex of the two people making the union.
    Fourth, people may be afraid of being called homophobic if they vote no or state their will to vote no, the reason for this is because there is no genuine reason to vote no that wouldn’t descriminate against someone else. The law, as it stands, holds the Fay community in a second class position. A position that was forced upon them by a dogmatic, biggoted regime, who suppressed many others, women, people who were not Caucasian, the Lgtb community (be reminded, this covers not just gay and lesbian people, but also transgender and bisexual people). Women now have a vote, other races are, as they should be, completely equal and now it’s time the lift the veil on our homophobic eyes and see all people’s as equal. Entiltled to the same rights as everyone else, the gay community being allowed to get married will have no negative affect on your life. “They” have no agenda, no alterior motive, just the chance to live, as they are, human.

    Lastly, get over yourself will ya!
    Yours,
    Terry O’Brien,
    Cork.

  56. Seamus Ryan

    John J Cole is concerned that people won’t know he’s totally straight due to being married if the marriage equality referendum passes.

    He’s also bothered that he “will have to spend the rest of [his] natural life qualifying [his] sexuality to others so that others know that [he’s] not gay and that [he is] in fact married to a women.”

    It’s almost as though he got married just to reinforce the idea in people’s heads that he’s straight.

    Call me a moderate liberal nutjob, but that’s a rubbish reason to get married. He describes his wife as “lovely”. She must be really “lovely” if she suffers the sort of husband who’s quite concerned that people might think he’s married to a man just because other men or other women suddenly (“suddenly” as in “years of campaigning for it”) have the right to marry the people they love as well.

    “It’s the point that people will not know that I am not married to a woman, and, that I might be gay”, he adds. Don’t worry, John. I’m pretty sure that you’ll tell everyone you meet.

    I remember when divorce suddenly became compulsory in the mid-90s. Och, folks, it was a terrible time, a time of brimstone for breakfast and dung for dinner. We barely survived. Marriage survived it too, though and that’s kind of the point.

  57. Eoin Hurley

    How insecure do you have to be about your sexuality to write something like this? As for changing the definition of marriage, a definition is a product of the human brain and is subjective to each individual, so the fact you’re so bothered about the “Definition” changing says a lot about the stability of your own marriage.

  58. RW

    This entire article has to be a troll post. It is quite simply the most ludicrous argument against same-sex marriage I have ever encountered. The religious opponents make more sense than this. Homophobic much?

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