How To Get The Pope To Accept Your Resignation


What does it take to get the heave-ho from the Holy See? Rape a Vatican Guard? Kick the pontiff Bishop Brennan-style? Cover up child abuse in your diocese? None of the above, apparently. Never mind. Try these bishopric-ending one-liners on for size:

10. “look Ben, I’m cool with the whole Adam and Eve thing, but the talking snake? C’mon. Fuck. Right. Off.”

9. “Hitler Youth, eh? Gas any jews?”

8. “No. You kiss my ring. And when I say ring I mean my asshole.”

7. “Allahu Akbar”

6. “You think Dan Brown was right about Jesus being a chick? He seems to really know his stuff.”

5. “Why don’t you kick off those Prada slippers and let me give you one of my famous foot massages. Don’t be shy.”

4. “I’ve just had my Thetans audited and, like, WOW. I want to jump up and down on this couch. Woah. Dianetics. Oh YES. Totally buzzed now.”

3. “If you’re so infallible, Ratz, why do you talk so much bullshit?”

2. “Your Eminence. I have had consensual sex with a person of legal age.”

1. “Couldn’t we follow Christ’s actual teachings? (long pause) Right. I’ll get my mitre.”

Pope Rejects Bishops Resignation After Child Abuse Report (The Guardian)

Victims Criticise Pope’s Decision (

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