tinder

We’re having a bull run.

Says single man ‘Anon’ (not his real name)

He writes

  So, I’m about 6 weeks at this online dating lark, 3 weeks actively… and probably ten years since the last time, which was a good experience. There wasn’t so much duck-face and awkward selfies back then. Anyway… listen up!! 29 random things I’ve experienced/learnt about internet dating after six week

1. My first date was 20 minutes in… then she left.

2. I’ve had jeans that appear to have lasted longer than some marriages.

3. Duck-face poses are not just for teenage girl selfies.

4. You don’t need to be working to tick the box “Very Ambitious”.

5. I ticked ‘Athletic’ physique… because my other choices were ‘Skinny’ or ‘Average’ Do you know what average* is for my age? I’m better than that! Go me!

6. Smiling is optional.

7. Women will lie, lie, lie about their age to the point where they could be 10 years off their real age – above or below it! Some will tell you they lied so you’ll read their profile. It works.

8. Grumpy Cat has many doppelgangers.

9. My second date arranged everything… the day, the date, the time and the venue… then didn’t bother turning up and blocked me on site! How rude!

10. I looked at a few guys’ profiles, for tips like, research purposes *cough* but that was a bad idea…. “I’m looking for an affair” exclaimed one guy, with a picture of himself… wtf? I cut the research short as I was starting to imagine smelling gym sweat with all the ‘Action Men’ on site.

11. Some profile pics are like a “Where’s Wally” quiz there are so many people in them.

12. Pointing one’s bum at a mirror while looking over your shoulder to take a picture, is a thing. Not a bad thing, sometimes.

13. You just CANNOT be sensitive when it comes to online dating – see point about second date.

14. Some profile pics are of big monuments with your potential date about two pixels high, buried in a dark corner at the bottom of a shaded area of the picture…. like a Where’s Wally quiz without the other people.

15. Pushing ones elbows together, to one’s front, makes good cleavage.

16. Holding a phone above your head to take a selfie …whilst pushing ones elbows together, can make you look awkward.

17. Cork is not 50 KMs from Dublin city.

18. “Lean In” wasn’t written about cleavage, but it works, I’ve seen the results.

19. A picture of you sitting beside a hospital bed with a dying relative is supposed to appeal to whom exactly?

20. I’m older than I give myself credit for. There are grannies younger than me… who want to go on a date

21. You either “Have Kids” or “Don’t Have Kids”. “Prefer Not To Say” makes you sound forgetful.

22. No pic, no reply.

23. Single piece brightly coloured suit(?) “onesies”….. really? I like dress up, but I won’t date a Telly Tubby.

24. Her profile pic has three photos in a row, of the same two women side by side, in different poses… do I get to choose which one I want to date?

25. Selfies in the toilet? At least tidy up and put the lid down first, yeah?

26. Irish women are as good looking as any other around the world.

27. Loose fitting ugly muscle vests are not exclusively male apparel *shudders*

28. This is not an ‘About Me’ description “………………………………………” nor is…… “will fill in later”

29. The women who wouldn’t date me, especially my ‘no show’, all lost out on a good thing and were crying themselves to sleep as I typed this.

Mmf.

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46 thoughts on “Market Watch”

  5. scottser

    the light of love shines into even the darkest of corners.
    but not the internet, it doesn’t go anywhere near there. the internet is only for p0rn.

  6. Owen

    I enjoyed that! A fun read for a Friday. I don’t envy you……. or do it….??

    *Runs home, hugs wife, looks longingly out the window*

  9. TomCo

    In a relationship at the moment, but I had good run at the online dating for about 5 months. Went on about 6 great dates in that time and really enjoyed myself, met a lot of interesting people. Biggest pointer I’d have for anyone trying it out would be to arrange a date within the first conversation, if s/he isn’t keen it’s probably not going to work.

  10. dhaughton99

    Try Grindr.

    I’d love to see the pic of her with the dying relative in the hospital bed.
    Hope it was a selfie:)

  11. P

    This all sounds familiar, and my female friends have more or less the same observations, swapping in/out a few gender specific words.

  12. Senor Oglivy

    I think if you are using a platform that requires zero effort you will attract allot of people who are not really interested in taking things seriously. The lack of basic filtering will expose you to many people you have zero interest in.
    I think their is no supply side problem when it comes to men, so women are fairly happy to burn through them at a high rate as they don’t need to be picky, not when most lads profiles are pretty generic and the ‘about me’ details are simple.
    Steer clear of basic b**ches!
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaghIdSJKvQ

  16. ahjayzis

    Ummm, maybe don’t base your profile off your research.

    If you select ‘Show Men’ on Tinder you’ll only see gay/bi men, and we don’t talk to each other the way boys talk to girls o_O

      2. ahjayzis

        It’s not that, I just don’t think your average straight girl will get five or six references to Project Runway or Drag Race in a profile blurb. I mean what is she supposed to take from “As you know in life, as in fashion, one you’re in and the next day you’re aus” in the break up text? She won’t even know it’s Heidi Klum.

        “Meet you at the pub then so, and DON’T.

        Fupp it up”.

    1. sǝɯǝɯ ʇɐ pɐq

      No way.
      This is the internet.
      Respect is paramount.

      Keep your sleazy thoughts to yourself.

      Kids, eh?

  21. Frilly Keane

    Here Anonny no pals

    Lash up a draft profile of yerself there
    And between meself, Shelia, Fluffy and a few other big blouses
    We’d have ya looking like the Catch of Day

    N’ you’ll be courting in no time

  24. Just sayin'

    I did the online dating thing for a while (not Tinder) and was a little taken aback that most women, while seemingly looking for a relationship, were happy to jump into bed on the first night too. I was confused. Happy, but confused.

  25. Spaghetti Hoop

    Anon, if you can make people chuckle like that you’ll get your gal.
    If you don’t, single is not a bad way to be either ;)
    I wouldn’t go near dating sites – the internet is fine for online shopping…. for goods, not people.

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