pudding pic

It’s Friday.

It’s Midday.

It’s Frilly on Friday.

Frilly Keane writes:

You are about to launch into the maiden ‘Pudding’ interview. Read along as my older, much older, lover unravels himself. Get yerselves stuck into the Black n’White of this week’s Frill-Bit, Save yere oul’leftovers n’bitching for Mercy on Monday..

Occupation? “Mostly Villain, apparently. But I am not a villain, I am interesting.”

What is your most treasured possession? “A blunt spoon, I believe. Although I do have a particular affection for whooshing fur cloaks. And riding boots. You cannot deny the boots… Especially You.”

Tis those long legs…. Seeming even longer…. I can’t help meself “Who bade you to?”

Pain or Death? “That’s my line of questioning! You Steal From ME! … For Them? …. THAT’S IT! Cancel the scraps for the lurkers, the trolls, the users and the losers, no more merciful reply’s and edits, and call off the Paddy Cosgrove slag’mas!”

Sur’ tis only the t’internet? “So just starve them out! … and slaughter their Wifi.”

That’s for next week’s one.

What sleb-reality show would you most like to be on? “A Sleb! … It sounds like something that should be shoveled out of my way…..tsk, fhuuuh, do you really need an answer?

I’ll just keep asking “fhuuuh… just to shut you up …. emmmm … who won’t have heard of Cumberbatch?

Probably the Diving under the Ice for Gold lads. Those outback tribes’ ignorance of me would be a fortunate situation … let that be known….Note It!
NOTED! Look I’m noting it ….So? Hell’s Kitchen maybe. I could take that Ramsey heart out with my spoon … definitely not Geordie Shore.

Why, they might see you as “a bitta’v’sort like” They can do what they like, humans should be nervous of the Newcastle accent.

So you are human? “Only around you Lass.”

How would you like to die? “Am I to be proffered a menu? I don’t intend to die. Dying is for the lepers and the poor and the talentless and the Irish Labour Party.

Ah now that’s a bit mad. “Fear not for my sanity, Frilly, for in madness, there is great power.

So, if you had to have one, what would your epitaph be? “Love Me or Hate Me but you will never forget me? Maybe….Feared and Revered….classically cut into a virgin licked to a shine granite sword… as long as it’s bigger and better than Arthur’s….. I say we get drunk now, because I’m all out of ideas.”

OK so, virtues, have you any? “Beauty and Brillance, obviously. And a handsome level of style.”

Any you might like to call overrated? “Patience. And Tolerance…. ‘course.”

And underrated? “Greed…. Wait… I’m supposed to want it all… don’t use that, it will only inspire competition.”

What talent would you most like to have? “Am I short! What could I possibly be lacking?”

Sometimes I like a lad that is good with his hands….ahem “Tsk…. Could you be anymore more obvious? It doesn’t suit my sweet girl, enough with the ire inducing; I suppose it would be an asset to sing like Julio.”

The Spanish fella? “They have to be good at something that doesn’t require garments with their names and catalogue numbers on them.”

Who are your heroes? “EEEEAASSSYYY! The receivers of Stealth Taxes … Gimme Gimme Gimme and not a drop of blood shed. Delicious! Laureate Stuff ….Notable mention to the Phil of the Hogan, the most useless gimp ever to live a life that rewards a thick hick like he invented the Flat Screen … yet unfortunately worthy of even the most measly’ist of a nod. …. But the gift of the Royal Garter goes to the High Pretender King of Redactions and Relishes. Who could fail to admire his silent seizing of treasures from the people and keeping it all for himself. Non-Recourse Painless Enrichment, the best kind. You Celts should name one of your County’s after him. Scribble out Leitrim and change it to Dobberary.”

What is your biggest fear? “The average industrial wage. And a wider Smoking Ban.”

When do you lie? “Probe’ish aren’t we. I like your ticklish itching type of foreplay…tsk.. suppose “How are you” is the inquiry, the utterer should hear “none of your damn business!” But, on the odd occasion when it promises a shortcut out of the imbecility of a conversation, I might utter fine or shit or horny or whatever my current state of mind produces all on its own.”

Are you lying now? “Always, Frilly.”

If you were to be a fictional superhero who would it be? “Me! This impertinence might require a spanking.”

Not yet. “Bring a friend.”

Spuds… Mashed, Chipped, Roasted, Boiled, fancied up with stuff? “None. They grow in muck covered in shit and favored by peasants.”

Give over yer not that grand, who do you think you are Simon Coveney? “fhuuuh… if I must…fat chips with a splurge of brown sauce….. happy?”

More than … I’m wet.

Did you know there is a 50 Shades of Snape yoke on tumble? “Enough Chit Chat Frilly, remove your clothes! I am going to count to three, there won’t be a four..”

Frilly keane’s column appears here every friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

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124 thoughts on “Grilly Keane”

  11. Holden MaGroin

    So Frilly Keane is a commenter and they him an interview and decided to make it funny. Is that what’s happening? Like interviewing clampers but with much less sanity involved.
    .

    1. Dόn Pídgéόní

      I would read an interview with Clampers (especially if it was on the day of his impending nuptials to fluffy…), but I had to give up after 2 secs of that for my own sake.

    2. Anne

      “So Frilly Keane is a commenter and they him an interview and decided to make it funny”

      No, I think Frilly interviewed her older lover or something and sent that into Broadsheet –

      “You are about to launch into the maiden ‘Pudding’ interview. Read along as my older, much older, lover unravels himself”

      It’s english I’m sure.. someone was interviewed.. Frilly or her lover or someone.

  15. ahjayzis

    WTF did I just read.

    The Dishy Doctor said BS was upping it’s content – linking to a commenter’s Facebook timeline viral questionnaire thing?

  17. Caroline

    It’s a testament to just how sexy Alan Rickman was that this peculiar brain excavation will literally never enter my mind again when watching one of his films.

    I fkn hope.

    1. Caroline

      Hey now. We’re not readers to be appealed to or engaged with. We’re an angry nest of wasps, to be poked at with a sharp, at times unhinged, stick. That’s how we wanted it, remember?

        2. scottser

          now, now bertie, i’m sure caroline doesn’t want the likes of you dribbling and drooling all over her ‘column’.

      2. MoyestWithExcitement

        I mean, if the place was full of ads, I’d maybe get it but it’s not. Plus, I thought they were trying to grow the brand and present themselves as a progressive media source. I can’t see how incoherent messes like the above help with that perception. I’m not joking, it’s just bizarre.

        1. scottser

          we are all finally agreed on something. frill has created a unity on this forum where none existed before. she has sacrificed her integrity for a cause greater than herself. this was an act of selfless genius.
          enjoy your spanking frilly, ye deserve it :)

  19. Gav D

    Stupid, irritation based click-trolling. Cant believe I asted time reading it again…

    But: Fair play to John and the lads, if this is all it takes to drive a few hits.

    2. The Lady Vanishes

      Ah shut up, you big moan.

      At least it’s original. I like it. Scrollpast if you can’t be bothered.

  22. Anne

    Frilly, scarla for ya.

    Just get a newspaper, any newspaper and do a rejig of an article, any article at all.. it’d have to be better than this.

    And the doin’ you gave to other contributors.. And you come up with this? Scarlaaaaaaaaaaaaa for ya.

    Seriously like, come on. You wanted attention, you have it..and you’ve nothing to say.
    Contribute something, anything.. This is woeful.
    Stop doing this to us. Please. It’s cruel and unusual punishment. What’d we do to deserve this?

      1. Anne

        Ah come on.. I was being kind there. It’s beyond woeful.
        You shoulda seen how bitchy that queen was a few weeks ago too. Karma is the b*tch, not me.

        1. Dόn Pídgéόní

          The Fri piece should be Anne and Frilly doing a forward and back. I’d pay good money for that*

          *no i wouldn’t so don’t get any ideas BS

          3. Anne

            “The Fri piece should be Anne and Frilly doing a forward and back.”

            I’d be up for that, no bother.. . I’d be marshaling my online allies to win the online space.. they go by the names of logic, reason & comprehensibility.

            Frilly doesn’t have these allies in his corner unfortunately. It might not be a fair match..but she’s not problem making an eegit of herself, so why not like..

          4. Dόn Pídgéόní

            BS, do it!

            Or better idea, why not let anyone write a piece on a Friday? Like an open mic column? It gives everyone something to fight over, which we know you love, and gives everyone a chance to talk about things that matter to them.

          5. sǝɯǝɯʇɐpɐq

            Dόn Pídgéόní is both right and wrong.

            Right:
            An ‘Open-Mic’ session is a wonderful idea.
            It would be better than this drivel, which has a strong bang of alcohol and contractual obligation coming off of it. It took me several attempts over two days to read to the end. It’s the worst thing I ever read.*

            Wrong:
            It would NOT be entertaining to pit two commenters who can’t write against each other. That’s bullying, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

            *Is that what I’m missing? Is it supposedM to be terrible? Is it ‘art’?

  25. Scooperman

    Just so I’m getting this right: An imagined interview with Alan Rickman’s Sherrif of Nottingham from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves?
    I enjoyed it n’anyways.

    1. Medium Sized C

      I used to know what clickbait meant now I don’t anymore. It seems to mean “anything the term user doesn’t like” now… Am I right? Can it still mean overly sensationalised images or headlines to generate clicks for an advertising funded website?

  30. Frilly Keane

    Ah here

    Only Caroline and Scoops twigged

    Broadsheet Execs were sure ye’d get it

    Lovin’ the deer in the headlamps theme of the first 10 or so replies btw

    1. MoyestWithExcitement

      It’s not a great reflection on your piece when almost everyone cannot work out what you’re actually saying or why you’re saying it. When you have to reread something 3 times because it doesn’t make sense to you and you’re telling yourself you must have missed something, the problem is probably with what you’re reading.

      1. Frilly Keane

        D’ja know what
        When the reworked “call off Christmas” didn’t turn on the light

        The problem is not me

        2. MoyestWithExcitement

          No of course not. Everyone is wrong except you. Sorry, I wouldn’t normally care about these kinds of things but I was under the impression that BS were going to offer the first high profile progressive news source in the country and your columns suggest to me that won’t be happening. It’s seriously not good when you have to read something more than once and still say to yourself ‘Huh?’. It’s just disappointing considering what I was expecting after BS’s announcement a couple of weeks ago.

          1. Anne

            I have a theory that they’re letting her get what she wants.. Ja know the saying, be careful what ya wish for? Hopefully, we won’t be subjected to this for much longer.

            Think of it as a bit of fluff .. like a cat pic, or more like a pretentious diva of a cat, that needs a good kick up the fonsy. It shouldn’t detract from all the good stuff… everyone needs a bit of a skit now and then, even the BS administrators.

            Anyone publishing this has to be doing it for the skit. It’d be kinder telling her get the fupping boat, we won’t do it ta ya. lol

          3. inPisces

            Even if BS – Primarily an entertainment site-offered such content it would be utterly wasted in the likes of you

        3. Sam

          I got it at the answer to the first question. I smirked a couple of times, but it dragged on too long.
          I write the odd skit occasionally, and if the material ain’t great, I keep it short.
          This sounds more like a transcript from a couple of people already in party mood, just ripping on a theme.
          I think it would be funny acted out loud with a decent impression of Rickman, but as cold black and white text, not so much.

          1. Clampers Outside!

            “…a couple of people already in party mood, just ripping on a theme.”

            True, I felt like I’d walked in on a discussion and was waiting for a moment to ask… what’s all this then? :)

            G’wan Frilly ya wetzer! …as ahjaysis would say.

          2. Frilly Keane

            Hi Sam. Good note. However, rightly or wrongly, I wanted to get in the “I will count to three” line. I also wanted to set the tone of the ceistenna for the next few Puddings.

      2. Medium Sized C

        Ever hear of James Joyce? Phillip K Dick? Henry Miller?
        I’m not comparing Frilly to them, but like, you are just wrong.

        1. MoyestWithExcitement

          So I should compare this to Joyce but you’re not comparing her to Joyce. Ok then. It makes sense you’d be defending her.

    4. Nially

      I’d imagine most people “got” that it involved the Sheriff of Nottingham. What we didn’t get is why on earth you had inserted a bunch of random quotes from the role into some weird self-insert fanfic where you and Alan Rickman get off together and, in turn, why Broadsheet (newly of the “We want to be taken somewhat seriously” mindset) have published it.

    5. Dave

      So, you just ripped off James Adomian doing the Sheriff of Nottingham. Well done. You’re the best.

  31. Pardon

    The majority of BS commenter don’t get this , yet the majority of same commenters understand the poo trotted out under the guise of academic analysis on a Monday. Just goes to prove that the masses are indeed asses.

    1. Bertie Blenkinsop

      Oh okay.
      I saw a tramp shouting incoherently at a bus stop the other day.
      I couldn’t understand most of what he was saying.
      I had no idea that it was a failing on MY part.

  36. Joxer

    utter rubbish even with the clarification about sheriff of nottingham (which i have no clue about) …. bit of a quality discrepancy between what Dr Hearne posted and Frillys piece.

  38. Shayna

    Someone who claimed to be Alan Rickman buzzed the intercom to my flat earlier saying he had package for me from Grilly Keane. I was (more) confused (than usual).I told “Alan” that I’d made no such order, however, I did inquire as to whether an odour emanated from the package. He told me that the underlying fragrance was certainly Cork-based, with an essence of friesian cow. I told him that I didn’t understand and encouraged him to perhaps be on his merry way.

  41. rotide

    Did not get the reference. Still not sure how I was supposed to get the reference.

    Reached my quota of weekend WTF already and its only friday.

  45. Anne

    All I got from this post was a craving for pudding.. (that’s not a euphemism)
    Ten past 12 and I’m frying up fupping puddings thanks to Grilly..
    Fupp sake.

  46. Kieran NYC

    Broadsheet’s most incoherent commenter becomes Broadsheet’s most incoherent poster.

    That’s a promotion, I guess.

    At least she didn’t actively campaign for people to kick the needy while they’re down like she did with last week’s anti-charity post and work to make peoples’ lives worse (just ours).

    #LocalFrillyForLocalPeople

      1. Kieran NYC

        Is that “Don’t give any money to homeless charities”?

        I can never really tell the nonsense you’re trying to spew.

  47. Kerri Ann

    I think it’s clear the Broadsheet owners have outgrown the site. They want to do something different, and they’re at the intermediate stage of trying to twist the old vehicle into a new shape. This astonishing stuff, and the interminable Merceillising, are just different kinds of chafing. It’s the kind of flailing you do before you commit fully to a new project and hand the old one on to someone who remembers what it’s for.

  48. Peter Dempsey

    Lilly / Anne / anyone

    It’s hard to take a look at your own rectum; your anus you can check out but the rectum is just inside the anus and would be difficult to look at.

    1. Drebbin

      Well, you’ve struggled to the end of a sentence without embarrassing everyone who ever knew you. So I guess that’s a no.

    1. sǝɯǝɯʇɐpɐq

      Unwittingly opened Pandora’s box, maybe.
      Unknowingly passed the key to someone who cannot write, definitely.

      This is shameful clickbaiting, a waste of everyone’s time and an insult to your readers’ intelligence.

      You could redeem yourselves BS by facilitating ‘Guest Posts’ , but that would require you to read posts before you published them.
      Are you up to the task?
      -It doesn’t look like it.

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