29 thoughts on “‘You Have Locked Your Bike To Mine’”

  1. Cian

    Siobhan is a better person than I am.
    I would have removed my bike, and then used my lock to lock their bike to that pole. Along with a strongly worded letter![1] Telling them to call me when they wanted their bike back!

    [1] in my head anyway – in reality I would probably just have meekly walked away.

    1. Anomanomanom

      Those locks are very easy to snap. I’d have snapped it and just because of their stupidity I’d deflate the tires.

    2. Brother Barnabas

      this exact thing happened to me a few weeks ago. was fupping raging. took me around half an hour to get their lock off* and then i (childish, but it brought some satisfaction) used a light cable lock, which i use to stop scrotes stealing my saddle, to lock his bike. just to return the fupp you, like.

      *two things i learned: 1) mcquillans on capel street will only very slightly reluctantly lend you an angle grinder to cut a bike lock (no questions asked); and 2) you can twist, whack and ultimately cut through a bicycle lock in the early evening on a busy dublin street and NOBODY will look twice – even the guards pass by with indifference.

      1. cupofteaanyone

        And then people wonder why bike theft is so prevalent in the city.

        Actually no one wonders that. We all know why.

  2. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

    A touch of class. I recognise it when I see it as I am the very same as Siobhán. A gentle soul – one who others look to for calm and guidance.
    Or is it whom? MotherFUPPER. FUPP THIS.

  5. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

    I saw a lady cycling along the canal this morning with a backpack with what looked like a miniature schnauzer poking his head out of the top of it. He was having a great time looking around.

  6. Nigel

    Walking back from a long day at work
    Humming along to ol’ Patsy Cline
    I stop in grief
    And sheer disbelief
    You have locked your bike to mine.

    I quickly run through seven stages
    From shock to anger to denyin’
    I finally accept it
    My buzz you have wrecked it
    You have locked your bike to mine.

    I quickly compose a brief note
    Well it’s better than standing there cryin’
    I regretfully inform you dear reader
    That in securing your manky ten-speeder
    You have locked you bike to mine.

    I was quickly released from my plight
    And off down the road I went flying
    Thanks to a passing young scrote
    With an angle grinder in his coat
    That’s for lockiing your bike to mine.

      1. Nigel

        I used ‘quickly’ twice, though. Ruined! Now I’ll never get Clive James to record it for me.

          3. Bertie Blenkinsop

            I bought a copy of Soundings last week coincidentally enough, had a great old nostalgic wallow in it over the weekend.

          4. CoderNerd

            I hope you cleaned up after yourself.
            Once achieved relief, put it back on the shelf.

            John Moynes, I am not.

          5. Nigel

            I originally had ‘shortly’ and now I can’t remember why I changed it. Moynes makes this look easy but it’s not.

    2. Brother Barnabas

      nigel, you’re wasted on us… and i do believe you’ve outdone your civil war one. thanks for that!

    4. Janet, I ate my avatar

      I like the
      I finally accept it
      my buzz you have wreaked it

      it’s like my mantra today

  7. cupofteaanyone

    She should have taken the saddle and swapped back when they called.

    I heard before that people will lock the bikes together so they can come back when it is quiet and cut your lock off and take the bike.

  8. Murtles

    It takes a special kind of thicko to lock their bike to another bike. I would have fingerprinted the bike and took DNA tracings before setting fire to it. Then I’d religiously do the Lotto twice a week until I won and use my winnings to track down the culprit. From there onwards it’s a simple matter of wiping out every seed, breed and generation of that family and salting the earth after.

    Unless there was a pub nearby, then it’s smiley liquids time.

  9. scottser

    conversely, in my workplace most of the cycle racks are taken up by dead bikes so locking your bike to another is a bit of a necessary evil. a pain in the hole doesn’t even come close..

    1. Cian

      Talk to your facilities manager/landlord/mom (depending on the size of your company) and get the ‘dead ‘bikes removed.

      1. scottser

        Have done, they arent allowed to dispose of them and have nowhere to store them. I may yet just bring a bolt cutters in and provide my own solution.

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