UK Labour Party leader Kier Starmer (left) alongside former leader Jeremy Corbyn in the House of Commons


(after Sophie Hannah)

It’s 2152 and Cumbria’s declared independence
after a campaign during which they blew
bits of Princess Eugenie all over
Lake Windermere. There’s a free market
in carcasses throttled by the latest mutant.
On Newsnight Kirsty Wark mutters from her crypt:
we may have run out of ambulances,
but at least we dodged the bullet that was Corbyn.

London’s dead have mostly been snapped up by a Russian oligarch
with a place overlooking Hyde Park
and a lifelong interest in taxidermy. Tonight he’s away to a party
where he hopes to be introduced to the late Eddie Izzard
who, despite being dead, still sits on Labour’s National Executive.

Mock The Week is seven skeletons rattling
in unison at something one of them belched
about Diane Abbott. The country’s now being led
by one of Andrew Neil’s more senior pubic lice. On the BBC
Suzanne Moore’s hair and the new strain of bacteria
they found on Tony Parsons agree:
at least it’s not Corbyn.

Brits from the six disease ridden bits
into which the Kingdom’s now splintered
have been barred from entering Bulgaria, Guatemala, Yemen…
But news of this is drowned by Ian Hislop’s skull chuckling
at something Andrew, Duke of York,
now reincarnated as a fungus, just said about Corbyn.

Jess Phillips hasn’t blown her trombone in
a hundred and thirty two years. And Starmer’s
deported so many Jews from the Labour Party*
he’s received a congratulatory telegram from IG Farben.
He shared it just now on Twitter as proof
he’s not Corbyn.

Kevin Higgins

* Kevin writes:Since he became leader of the British Labour Party less than a year ago, Keir Starmer has expelled more Jewish people from the party than all other previous Labour leader’s combined, many of them on charges of “anti-Semitism”


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5 thoughts on “Brave New World

  1. bisted

    …half the names mentioned in Kevin’s poem may be known in his household, but not in mine…I’m pleased about that but this is tempered by sadness in that the other half I do recognise…they have weedled their way into my consciousness despite my perfidious Albion filter…despite the knowledge that as many indignities, such as internment, were visited on Irish people by labour governments as by tories…Corbyn was part of those governments…six of one and half dozen of the other Kevin and to suggest otherwise is contradicted by history and as fanciful as your piece…

  2. Broadbag

    Why not write a cogent article about how utterly crap Starmer is instead of a tripe-filled poem full of lazy low blows and an asterisk, if you’ve had to include an asterisk to explain part of your poem it isn’t really working is it?

  3. Gabby

    It is a national legup when an Irish poet displays more insider awareness of British politics than the average Daily Mail reader.

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