21 thoughts on “Hello

  1. TypeONegative

    I’m the deadbeat detective who goes into a bar, orders a “Beer” with a “Whiskey”, then tells the bartender to leave the bottle, which I can somehow afford despite living in the grimiest apartment in town.

  2. Paulus

    I’m arriving at a hospital to which a colleague/family member has been rushed. Fortunately there’s a parking space right beside the main door.

  3. Paulus

    I am incapable of manipulating CCTV footage and must get a subordinate to do this. When I ask them to zoom in on a suspect, the resolution seems to increase rather than diminish.

    1. TypeONegative

      shout out to Enemy of the State, in which security camera footage is not only zoomed in, but they rotate around the person and look inside their shopping bag

  4. Dr.Fart

    hello im a commenter on broadsheet. I don’t know anything but have opinions on everything. I will reply to comments with things so rude and insulting that I would never say them to someone face to face.

  5. Col

    I refer to my siblings as “brother” or “sister”, rather than using their actual names.

  6. Daisy Chainsaw

    Hello, I am a cop in a film or tv drama who got shot a week ago. I’m back at work with no swelling or bruising or discomfort or stitches and can run after the bad guy who shot me and punch them out.

  7. scottser

    i’ve just done the bould thing with cindy crawford and while we’re still breathless and panting there ‘s a knock at the door. cindy will get out of bed already half dressed.

  8. ian-Oh

    I’m a male munter but still manage to get the hot girl by my humour, compassion and new found confidence. I may need to punch a male bully/would be rapist along the way. I look and dress pretty much the exact same all the way through the story. I may wear a tux though at the end.

    When reversed, the frumpy woman undergoes a complete transformation (usually by getting her hair done, removing her glasses and wearing make up and a short skirt) and we discover she was really hot all along.

    Strangely enouugh we never see a Kathy Burke or Pauline Quirke getting a Brad Pitt or George Clooney with her jokes and fists. Odd that?

  9. Steph Pinker

    I am the beautifully coiffured, designer-clad soccer mom who arrives home to a mansion in a spotlessly clean 4×4 carrying an overloaded brown paper bag of groceries with a French stick protruding alongside a stick of Celery and Cheerios – and I always moisturise my hands before going to bed with my make-up on and wearing a bra under a silk negligeé which still can’t conceal my erect nipples.

    Oh yea, and I always engage in conversation with my handsome, fit, wealthy husband from the door of the en-suite while brushing my teeth sans toothpaste, as he languidly lies on a bed the size of an American football pitch with silk sheets and 100 pillows.

  10. Shitferbrains

    Hello I’m the nephew of a Prez of a European country. I invite childless women to put a pillow up their jumper to imitate pregnancy and visit me in my surgery. When they do I take a newborn child from its real mother and give it to the woman with the pillow who removes the pillow and exits the surgery.The real mother is told to stand up and get lost. None if this is remotely legal and despite the whole country being one giant twitching curtain no-one sees anything iffy.

  11. Ronán FitzGerald

    Hello, I’m the hacker that walks around spouting terminlogy that has nothing to do with networks or security… but then I break into a top secret / company and instanly find what we are looking for without knowing anything about the internal network structure (or the external firewalls..)

  12. theo kretschmar schuldorff

    Hello, I’m a male RTE news reporter.
    I have been appointed, apparently at random, despite manifest unsuitability for the role. My labored delivery sounds like I’ve been edited with free software whose license has not been purchased.

    (I am not Ciaran Mullooly, Pat McGrath or any of the human-sounding ones)

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