Every week, we give away a voucher for Golden Discs worth TWENTY FIVE Euro to spend at any of the many Golden Discs stores nationwide.
All we ask from you is a song we can play next week.
This week’s theme: Funny lyrics
What song retains musical excellence while also comprising lyrics – wry, dry or laugh out loud funny – that lift your spirits in the darkest of times.
To enter, complete this sentence
“The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are_____________________from_____________’
Lines MUST close at 6.45pm. MIDNIGHT
Thanks Bertie Blenkinsop
Sponsored Link
The funniest lyrics in a decent song are “Now you get to watch her leave out the window. Guess that’s why they call it window pane. from Love the Way you lie by Eminem feat Rihanna
Not a chance. Proper lyrics here
“Yo soy un hombre sincero
De donde crece la palma
Yo soy un hombre sincero
De donde crece la palma
Y antes de morirme quiero
Echar mis versos del alma
(Chorus)
Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera
Guantanamera, guajira Guantanamera
The funniest lyricscontained in a decent song are ‘So I broke into the Palace/With a sponge and a rusty spanner/She said: “Eh, I know you, and you cannot sing”/I said: “That’s nothing – you should hear me play piano”‘ from the Queen Is Dead by the Smiths.
Frankly, that entire song is witty humour but that’s the stanza that does it for me.
“The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are Girlfriend in coma
from the Smiths’
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know, it’s serious
Girlfriend in a coma, I know
I know, it’s really serious
There were times when I could
Have murdered her
But you know, I would hate
Anything to happen to her
No, I don’t want to see her
Do you really think
She’ll pull through………..
So many from Morrissey
“Sweetness, sweetness, I was only joking when I said I’d like to smash every tooth in your head.” – Bigmouth Strikes Again
“I said, ‘Charles, don’t you ever crave to appear on the front of the Daily Mail dressed in your mother’s bridal veil?’” – The Queen is Dead
“Spending warm sunny days indoors, writing frightening verse to a buck-toothed girl in Luxemborg.” – Ask
Or Billy Bragg
“How can you lie there and think of England when you don’t even know who’s in the team?”
One of my favourite rock anecdotes is Johnny Marr talking about meeting Keith Richards, and having the neck to say ‘”Bigmouth Strikes Again” is my “Jumping Jack Flash”‘. What a guy.
Have you read his book?
He’s the world’s coolest vegan, teetotal marathon running rock star!
No, I didn’t know he had one! I’ll add it to the pile alongside Brett Anderson’s.
Then there’s this…
“As Anthony said to Cleopatra
As he opened a crate of ale :
Oh, I say :
Some girls are bigger than others
Some girls are bigger than others
Some girl’s mothers are bigger than
Other girl’s mothers…”
Which, tbh, is irrefutable.
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are “They Call Her Natasha When She Looks Like Elsie” from (I Don’t Want To Go To) Chelsea by Elvis Costello
The funniest lyricscontained in a decent song are by Divine Comedy on the track National Express:
“On the National Express there’s a jolly hostess
Selling crisps and tea
She’ll provide you with drinks and theatrical winks
For a sky-high fee
Mini-skirts were in style when she danced down the aisle
Back in ’63 (yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah)
But it’s hard to get by when your arse is the size
Of a small country
And everybody sings ‘ba ba ba da'”
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are by Divine Comedy on the track Songs of Love (The Father Ted tune):
Pale, pubescent beasts roam through the streets and coffee-shops
Their prey gather in herds in stiff knee-length skirts and white ankle-socks
But while they search for a mate my type masterbait in bedrooms above
Composing their songs of love
Young, uniform minds in uniform lines, and uniform ties
Run round with trousers on fire and signs of desire they cannot disguise
While I try to find words as light as the birds that circle above
To put in my songs of love
A few fans of Ver Smiffs around here!
“The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are
“Listen
I know a man called Michael
He hails from NYC
Now he lives in Malibu
In a mansion by the sea
Production is his game now
He called my friend Laurie
He used to be a Beastie Boy
But now he works for me”
from The People That You Meet-Slaves.
(Mike D is the producer)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZg2qNAhSwE
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are in Common People by Pulp:
‘She Said…….”I want to sleep with common people, like you”/ Well what else could I do?/ I said ‘I’ll see what I can do”
And from later in the album
“if fashion is your trade/then when you’re naked/I guess you must be unemployed”
From The Past is a Grotesque Animal by Of Montreal:
Its so embarrassing to need someone like i need you, how can i explain? I need you here, and not here too.
Lines MUST close at 6.45pm.
Ha ha…ha ha ha !
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are
“I’m king of the migraines
Soiled Lord of Tears
I’m the urban goose
I’m a river of dead fish
I’m Miami”
from Miami – Baxter Drury
from stuck inside of mobile with the memphis blues again:
She said that all the railroad men
Just drink up your blood like wine.
And I said, oh, I didn’t know that,
But then again, there’s only one I’ve met
And he just smoked my eyelids
And punched my cigarette
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are
“But you weren’t so nice last night
You’re such an asshole when you’re drunk’
And he said, ‘At least I’m okay in the mornings'”
…and…
“if there was a God, then why is my arse the perfect height for kicking?'”
from “Rocky Took A Lover” by Bell X1
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE by MONTY PYTHON. A wonderful tune to chase away the blues. You’ve come from nothing, you’re going back to nothing, what have you lost? NOTHING! Love it. Get whistling!
Whistling and wishing someone would whistle my toot toot .
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are by The Boss in I Came for You. it’s the rhyme scheme:
I came for you, for you, I came for you, but you did not need my urgency
I came for you, for you, I came for you, but your life was one long emergency.
Crawl into my ambulance, your pulse is getting weak
Reveal yourself all now to me while you’ve got the sense to speak
‘Cos they’re waiting for you in Bellevue with their hospital masks
And I could give it all to you now if only you would ask
And don’t call for your surgeon even he says it’s too late
It’s not your lungs this time, it’s your heart that holds your fate
Don’t give me money, honey, I don’t want it back
You and your pony face and your union jack
Well take your local joker and teach him how to act
I swear I was never that way even when I really cracked
Didn’t you think I knew that you were born with the power of a locomotive
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound…
(and on and on without ever taking a breath.)
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are Everybody knows by Leonard Cohen. “Every knows that you love me baby. Everybody knows you really do.Everbody knows that you’ve been faithful, Ah give or take a night or two. Everybody knows that you’ve been discreet, but there were so many people you just had to meet, without your clothes, And everybody knows.”
Any song from the genre of “Mumble-Rap” :)
Here Snoop Dogg takes the Mick out of the genre…
https://youtu.be/LjhImC6N080
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are from the aul woman in 92 by Lankum, because who doesn’t like a song about a fart traveling around the place. It makes me laugh every time and Lankum are a fuppin great band.
“There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
There was an aul woman in 92 she let a fart and away it blew
Inky pinky parlez vous
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
The fart went rolling down the street, knocked a Copper of his feet inky pinky parle vous
The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
The Copper took out his water pistol, shot the fart and it went to Bristol
Inky pinky parlez vous”
The funniest lyrics funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are the woman in 92 by Lankum, because who doesn’t like a song about a fart traveling around the place. It makes me laugh every time and Lankum are a fuppin great band
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are from the aul woman in 92 by Lankum, because who doesn’t like a song about a fart traveling around the place.
“There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
There was an aul woman in 92 parlez vous
There was an aul woman in 92 she let a fart and away it blew
Inky pinky parlez vous
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
The fart went rolling down the street parlez vous
The fart went rolling down the street, knocked a Copper of his feet inky pinky parle vous
The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
The Copper took out his water pistol parlez vous
The Copper took out his water pistol, shot the fart and it went to Bristol
Inky pinky parlez vous”
My wife she is humpy, she’s lumpy
My wife, she’s the divil, she’s cracked,
And no matter what i may do with her,
Her tongue it goes clickety clack
Twas early one fine summers morning
A little before it was day
I dipped her three times in the river
And carelessly bade her good day
In my opinion, the funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are those in The Outdoor Type by The Lemonheads from their Car Button Coth (1996) album. It’s also contained on their 1998 Best Of compilation. It was originally written by an Aussie dude named Tom Morgan & the original had appeared a few years earlier in a version by his band, Smudge, on their Impractical Joke EP. Frank Turner also recorded it in 2006 on a split single, which also appeared on his First Three Years compilaion in 2009. The bit about missing a once-off TV show dates the song somewhat, but it was funny at the time. You can listen to the song on YouTube and, possibly, other online platforms.
The Outdoor Type
Always had a roof above me,
Always paid the rent,
But I’ve never set foot inside a tent.
Can’t build a fire to save my life;
I lied about being the outdoor type
I’ve never slept out underneath the stars,
The closest that I came was that one time my car
Broke down for an hour in the suburbs at night.
I lied about being the outdoor type.
Too scared to let you know you knew what you were looking for,
I lied until I fit the bill, God bless the great indoors,
I lied about being the outdoor type.
I’ve never owned a sleeping bag, let alone a mountain bike.
I can’t go away with you on a rock climbing weekend,
What if something’s on TV and it’s never shown again.
Its just as well I’m not invited, I’m afraid of heights;
I lied about being the outdoor type
Never learned to swim, can’t grow a beard or even fight,
I lied about being the outdoor type.
great pick
forgot about that
Decent tune
I saw the Lemonheads in LA in a small venue in 1994. They were appalling. I’m not sure Evan Dando knew he was performing.
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are “Even at the age of ten Kevin was a smart boy then. He always beat me at Subbuteo
‘Cause he “flicked to kick” And I didn’t know…”from My Perfect Cousin by The Undertones.
And another from the North, Andy White’s epic Religious Persuasion
“… A lamb to the slaughter
a human sacrifice
I told their spiritual leader
his sceptre looked nice
a hymn book skimmed my ear
but I was only grazed
I dived for cover
as the sawn-off bibles blazed
in the gore I gasped
‘was it something I said?’
then a solid granite altar
hit me on the head
a collection plate plunged into my groin
they marched off discussing
the battle of the boyne…”
Got to be clever bastards by ian dury and the blockheads.
Noel Coward was a charmer.
As a writer he was brahma.
Velvet jackets and pyjamas,
“The Gay Divorcee” and other dramas.
There ain’t half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain’t half been some clever bas-tards.
Van Gogh did some eyeball pleasers.
He must have been a pencil squeezer.
He didn’t do the Mona Lisa,
That was an Italian geezer.
There ain’t half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain’t half been some clever bas-tards.
Einstein can’t be classed as witless.
He claimed atoms were the littlest.
When you did a bit of splitting-em-ness
Frighten everybody shitless
There ain’t half been some clever bastards.
Probably got help from their mum
(who had help from her mum).
There ain’t half been some clever bastards.
Now that we’ve had some,
Let’s hope that there’s lots more to come.
There ain’t half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain’t half been some clever bas-tards.
Okey-dokey!
Oh!
Segovia.
Da-laa la-laa da-daa da-lee
De dump di dump de dump-dump-diddle li-lee.
There ain’t half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain’t half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain’t half been some clever bastards
(Lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders)
There ain’t half been some clever……..
…………………………….bastards.
Songwriters: Ian Robins Dury / Russell Godfrey Hardy
There Ain’t Half Been Some Clever Bastards lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc
The less you know about Ian Dury…
Louis Prima – “I’m just a gigalo”
Guns N’ Roses -” I used to love her”
Mungo Jerry – “Somebody stole my wife”
Johnathan Richman – “Hospital”
Johnny Thunders & The Heartbreakers “Chinese Rocks”
All hilariously dark, mildly disturbing and sad in the same way.
All three songwriters and lead singers saying “fuck it” and singing positively about bad situations.
Priceless…. but more importantly fuck romance… these are some of the most honest songs you’ll ever hear recorded.
Get bent, it’s fun….
:-J
No Half Man Half Biscuit? For shame.
Song titles alone:
Back in the DHSS
Dickie Davies Eyes
I Love You Because (You Look Like Jim Reeves)
Voyage to the Bottom of the Road
We Built This Village on a Trad. Arr. Tune
Four Lads who Shook the Wirral
All I Want For Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit
Never mind ‘I’ve played postal chess / With a man who doesn’t know me / I’ve got a better frown than Tony Iommi’
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are
“You can’t handcuff the wind
If you try you’re gonna fail
It’s like try’na put thunder in jail”
from
Richard Thorncroft – You Can’t Handcuff The Wind (theme music to Mindhorn)
So catchy I could see this being a bona fide hit in countries that don’t really do parody humor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KDb0Kj4W61g
For delivery and musical setting, this is the funniest Tom Waits’ lyric
Uncle Vernon
Uncle Vernon
Independent as a hog on ice
He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss
Uncle Biltmore and Uncle William
Made a million during World War II
But they’re tightwads
And they’re cheapskates
And they’ll never give a dime to you
Auntie Mame has gone insane
She lives in the doorway of an old hotel
And the radio’s playing opera and
All she ever says is go to Hell
Uncle Violet flew as a pilot
He said there ain’t no pretty girls in France
Now he runs a tidy little bookie joint they say
He never keeps it in his pants
Uncle Bill
Will never leave a will
And the tumour is as big as an egg
He has a mistress, she’s Puerto Rican
And I heard she has a wooden leg
Uncle Phil
Can’t live without his pills
He has emphysema and he’s almost blind
And we must find out where the money is
Get it now before he loses his mind
Uncle Vernon
Uncle Vernon
Independent as a hog on ice
He’s a big shot down there at the slaughterhouse
He plays accordion for Mr. Weiss
Try and beat this…
… by a 70+ year old before being woke, #metoo, kardashians, the snowflakes ever even mattered….
It may not be music per se but it is rap and better than eminiem… spoken word poetry can be musical sometimes but this is bad ass jazz comedy…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lk_dRzaBoUM
For everything else there’s Curtis Mayfield…..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1xmXOP3lhM
:-J
it’s all funny until someone looses an eye
thats when the real giggling starts, I always find
are you slagging my patch ?
look on more like I’m tapping your patch
ogni giorno mi affascinasti
*winks*
strizzi l’occhio, io cammino
* does Bobby Firmino goal celebration *
Kevin Bloody Wilson:I Gave Up Wanking
I’ve give up wanking this morning I never thought that
I could I’m feelin’ better already and this time I’m off
It for good When I first wanked I’s thought I’s so
Clever And all of me makes, they were mugs Thought I
Was the first bloke here on earth who’d ever played
With his slug It was me own little secret and I never
Told anyone and the feelin’ I got the first time I shot
Was like chooks flyin’ out o’ me bum so I’m givin’ up
Wanking… tomorrow I never thought that I could then I
Won’t get these bad headaches and then I’ll be off it
For good I’ve wanked in some unlikely places the
Shower, the beach and pool a dunny, a tram a dunny and
The pictures and ebiology classes at school and once me
Grandmother caught me wankin’ meself in me room but to
Her surprise I just shut me eyes and Imagined her
Standin’ there nude I’mgivin’ up wanking… next
Tuesday I never thought that I could and then I won’t
Skwint like I do now and then I’ll be off it for good
Mw dad says it’s gonna take willpower ther really is no
Easy trick I honetly thought I’dneed surgeryto help get
Me hand ogff me dick me dad’s been a great inspiration
He really has been a great help he knows what I go
Though and just what yo do ’cause he give it up yester’d
Himself so I’m givin’ up wanking next erid’ I never
Thought that I could and then I’ll be off it for good
So if you don’t wank you’re a lair and a fool if you
Say that you do so next time you see, prince charles on
TV remember he wanks himself too so I’m givin’ up
Wanking come christmas I never thought that I could and
I’ll sell me dog and me white cane and then I’II throw
Away me dark glasses and then I’ll be off it for good
I don’t even know what you want.
Excuse me while I buy a second-hand combine harvester.
Is this about Spandeau Ballet?
So many Flight of the Conchorss could be joint winners, but 2 of the best are:
-Carol Brown-
Loretta broke my heart in a letter
Told me she was leaving and her life would be better
Joan broke it off over the phone
After the tone she left me alone
Jen said she’d never ever see me again
When I saw her again, she said it again
Jan met another man
Liza got amnesia, just forgot who I am
Felicity said there was no electricity
Emily, no chemistry
Fran, ran, Bruce turned out to be a man
Flo had to go, I couldn’t go with the flow
Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
But I’m hoping that you’ll stick around
He doesn’t cook or clean
He’s not good boyfriend material
Ooh, we can eat cereal
You’ll lose interest fast, , his relationships never last
Shut up girlfriends from the past
He says he’ll do one thing and then he goes and does another thing
Ooh
Who organized all my ex-girlfriends into a choir
And got them to sing?
Ooh ooh ooh, shut up
Shut up girlfriends from the past
Mimi will no longer see me
Brittany, Brittany hit me
Paula, Persephone, Stella, and Stephanie
There must be fifty ways that lovers have left me
Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
Love is a delicate thing, you can’t just throw it away on the breeze
He said the same thing to me
How can we ever know if I’m the right person in this world
That means he looks at other girls
Love is a mystery, it does not follow rules
This guy is a fool
He’ll always be a boy, hes a man who never grew up
I thought I told you to shut up
Mona, you told me you were in a coma
Tiffany, you said that you had an epiphany
Mm
Would you like a little cereal?
Who organized this choir of ex-girlfriends?
Was it you Carol Brown?
Was it you Carol Brown?
Carol Brown just took the bus out of town
But I’m hoping that you’ll stick around
-Most Beautiful Girl (In the room)-
Yeah-ahh…
Looking round the room,
I can tell that you
Are the most beautiful girl in the…room.
In the whole wide room
Oooh.
And when you’re on the street
Depending on the street
I bet you are definitely in the top three
Good looking girls on the street…yeah…
And depending on the street, ooh…
And when I saw you at my mate’s place
I thought what…is…she…doing…
At my mate’s place
How did Dave get a hottie like that to a party like this?
Good one Dave!!!
Ooohhhh you’re a legend, Dave!
I asked Dave if he’s going to make a move on you
He’s not sure
I said “Dave do you mind if I do?”
He says he doesn’t mind
but I can tell he kinda minds
but I’m gonna do it anyway
I see you standing all alone by the stereo
I dim the lights down very low, here we go
You’re so beautiful (beautiful)
You could be a waitress
You’re so beautiful (beautiful)
You could be an air hostess in the 60s
You’re so beautiful-ul-ul…
You could be a part…time…model
And then I seal the deal
I do my moves
I do my dance moves
Both of my dance moves
Ohh-ohh-ohh, ohh-ohh-ohh!
It’s twelve-oh-two
Just me and you
And seven other dudes
Around you on the dance floor
I draw you near
Let’s get outta here
Let’s get in a cab
I’ll buy you a kebab!
Now I can’t believe
That I’m sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl I have ever seen
With a kebab
Ooooooohhh.
Why don’t we leave?
Let’s go to my house and we can feel each other up on the couch
Oh no. I don’t mind taking it slow-ho-ho, no-ho-ho, yeah.
Cause you’re so beautiful
Like a, tree
Or a high-class prostitute
You’re so beautiful-ul-ul…
Mmm, you could be a part-time model
But you’d probably have to keep your normal job
A part-time model!
Spending part of your time, modeling,
and part of your time, next to meeeeeeeeee!
And the rest of your time doing your normal job…
Ooh…ohh…ooh.
My place is usually tidier than this…
*Conchords even!
We’re quite the fans of Leggy Blonde in our house.
*mimes glider flight across dancefloor*
singin;
It’s all right to say things can only get better
If you haven’t just lost your brand new sweater
Pure new wool and perfect stitches
Not the type of jumper that makes you itch, oh no
Dancing in the disco, go go go
Dancing in the disco, oh no, oh no
And my mother will be so, so angry
And my brother will be so, so angry
And my girlfriend will be so, so angry
And my dog will be so, so angry
Dancing in the disco, bumper to bumper
Wait a minute:
“Where’s me jumper? Where’s me jumper? Where’s me jumper?
winner
usually wrapped around the neck of the one…
All of ‘The Freakers’ Ball’ – Dr Hook. Also, ‘The Cover of the Rolling Stone ‘, same artistes.
Ok, showing my age here, but i think the funniest lyrics are from a song by Wolfie Smith and the Tooting Popular Front and Naughty Urban Guerrilla:
Well the rich kids’ fun was over and they knew who to blame
It was the presence of some peasants who just wouldn’t play the game
The party wasn’t over yet but I’ve got this kind of hunch
That some naughty urban guerrilla put some laxative in the punch…
Link here, for those who are too young to remember, old enough but forgot, or just pain curious :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nYIqzYkW9ZQ
From the funniest movie ever made –
Springtime for Hitler
“I was just a paper hanger
No one more obscurer
Got a phone call from the Reichstag
Told me I was Fuhrer
Germany was blue
What, oh, what to do?
Hitched up my pants
And conquered France
Now Deutschland’s smiling through!”
https://youtu.be/HPXHRX8Q2hs
This gets me every time
“Every Wednesday morning, at about the hour of ten
I give the queen my autograph, she gives me the yen
The man behind the counter smiles, the door man bows again
Just another day down on the dole queue
But the government must love me ’cause they keep me out of work
They must be saving me for something special
Maybe it’s the job of rolling spliffs for Captain Kirk
Or giving Miss Lovelace a pubic hairdo”
Roy harper, one of those days in england.
Back again with…
The funniest lyrics contained in a decent song are…
“I was delayed, I was way-laid
An emergency stop
I smelt the last ten seconds of life
I crashed down on the crossbar
And the pain was enough to make a shy, bald, Buddhist reflect
And plan a mass murder” from The Smiths’ “Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SckD99B51IA
Moz was funny then. Apologies to the Dublin Cycling Campaign and the Great Bike Ride (see what I did there) tomorrow.