Global Affairs, 1773

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tumblr_muo92uvS0F1sx8u1ro1_1280Joseph Aivalikli writes:

While browsing through old editions of the Dublin Gazette looking for laws to repeal as part of the Statute Law Revision Project, we stumbled upon this tissue of double entendres published by order of the King in 1773. I’m guessing the author was an intrepid Trinity geography student – or just someone who really, really liked boobs. Or both.

Full transcript for the blurry-eyed after the jump.


“SIR,
Looking over some old detached essays a few days ago, I met with one,
which struck me so forcibly, and is I think so applicable to the
present times, that I have attempted to abridge it, and at the same
time to preserve the strokes of humour with which it abounds. I send
it to you to insert if you think proper.
Your most humble servant,
A GEOGRAPHER.

It has long been complained of by your grave sort of people, that the
fair sex are too fond of exposing their bosoms, to the eyes of all
beholders. Now if the following scheme is put in execution, it will
save that most beautiful part of Creation from censure, and at the
same time lay down a rational plan of improvement for the male sex.

What I would propose is that every lady who shall for the future go
without a handkerchief shall have so much of her neck and breast as is
uncovered laid out in a regular map of the whole world. For instance,
Europe, Asia and Africa may be on the right breast, and America on the
left, the space between will elegantly and naturally be called the
Pacific Ocean; or suppose Europe on one breast, and Africa on the
other, the intermediate space will be the Mediterranean Sea, with the
Straits of Gibraltar.

But as this scheme is intended for the young of both sexes, those two
beautiful orbs with which the fair are furnished, may be formed in two
globes, celestial and terrestrial, and instead of the modesty piece
which was formerly worn, shall be wrote in capitals TERRA INCOGNITA,
beneath which no student should peep under pain of being debarred the
use of the globe for ever after.

How useful must the knowledge of the globe be to an officer, and when
returned loaded with laurels, how delightful will it be to point out
to the enamoured fair on her own globe, the different fields of
action? Then to trace out his march through Hollandand the
Netherlands; but it is to be feared that in recounting his
hair-breadth escapes, it may cause such an agitation in the fair
one’s globe, as to prevent geographical lubrications for that time,
but this will soon subside.

As to the bloods, bucks, etc. they may without much trouble acquire
knowledge of geography, sufficient to hold up conversation for half an
hour in company with learned men, where they seldom appear, of if they
do, sit silent to prevent exposing themselves. It will afford a fine
opportunity for high-flown compliments; for example, Miss
————- has a world of charms, Peru and Mexico are in her bosom,
the sweets of Arabia are centered in her breast, and so on.

And now I come to the ladies; in the first place it will preserve them
from censure, for should a lady be caught tete-a-tete with a young
gentleman, all that can be said is, she was instructing him in the use
of the globes. If she has a mind to encourage an admirer, she may
expose to his view Arabia Felix; if otherwise the frigid zone. How
greatly will it raise the character of a lady, to see published in the
newspapers, “Last Tuesday Miss Lucy Smart gave a public lecture on
the use of globes to a numerous and polite assembly.”

These are but a few of the many advantages which the public wouldreceive, and I am sure the ladies will concur in the scheme, which is
so well calculated to serve mankind in general.”