Almost half a century of “eating like a teenager and drinking like five of them” ends here

Frilly Keane writes:

Yep tis the season.

I’m back.

Tis the season alright; externally anyway. Hay saved, leaves browning and curling, colourful skies to hang over us as we come home from work, bodies multiplying like gremlins at bus stops (not today tho’) boilers being serviced, Strictly and X Factor, then its Countdown to Christmas and I’m a Celebrity.

This year, and I kinda knew since early summer that if I was coming back to ye after the Shut Down that I would be writing about what ye are about to claw into; Frilly’s Fiftieth Fit out; FFFo.
I have entered my 50th year.

I suppose the hardest thing about it is that it is now over 30 years since I did my leaving cert, and in 1985 I never looked beyond the next weekend, naw’ mind to when I might be 30 years old; yet here I am, looking back 30 years. It’s gasping how shocking it is really.

I had no idea it even passed since I never really felt it happening or watched it enough to actually see it. To be fair I worked and grafted through it and even breastfed for a bit of it. But it wasn’t hard work like laying tarmacadam, and it was far from a disciplined strict life work balance.

However I know all about it now. And that reality bite really hurts.

I’m tired. I have aches and pains from me shoulders to me toes and I’m over weight, and not just a bit’ve a girth, I have a mezzanine level that is now quite vulgar it’s that gaudy and unsightly.

But it’s all homemade, since I eat like teenager and drink like five of them. My lifestyle is so sh1t I actually get awarded Drive-Thru miles. Mayo and salt on everything and I’ve yet to see a salad that doesn’t look better with coleslaw and a glass of wine.

I have congenital spinal conditions that have in the last 5 years developed a by-product in a degenerative condition; all of which I can kinda actually manage without meds and surgical intervention; if I was arsed.

So that’s all where I am now. Those thirty years I mentioned? Well it’s all their fault, and it was all me, I wholly own the wreck of me.

But this one, my fiftieth year, is going to be different; I have drawn up the FFFo plan, and its sum’ting like this:

Alcohol is now rationed to 1 unit a day – or 7 in a week. (I’m saving up already) Dos’ are going to be cut off at 5 units, then its water, or bed.

I will, by Christmas, have stopped all sugar into the coffee tay etc; with coffee being limited to one pint a day. Lattes are already gone, and pretty soon so will a good 50% of my dairy consumption. In fact also gone are takeaways and eating on the road. My car is already showing the signs of it.

I will develop a thirst for still water that will need at least 3 litres a day, ideally 4. Up to now I didn’t drink water in any reportable quantity, other than what’s contained in other liquids.

I will do one type of physical exercise that is not walking the dog a week and when Easter comes, I will sea swim again, if not daily at least 3 times a week. Work permitting.

This is the part of my evolution that I am most ashamed of. In 1985 I was a just-about-to-retire International Competitor. FFS. Now I only go into a Gym facility to get a facial.

That bike in the garage is going to see daylight too … I might get meself a GoPro while I’m at it.

Anyway back to the FFFo.

I intend eliminating spuds completely, including crisps by Ash Wednesday. All that other white starchy carb stuff like pasta, rice, bread, all that lovely stuff, even when it’s not soaked in butter or creamy sauces will go thru a ‘how good was I today’ indexation calculation and assessment.
And any cake, and I love me cake, will only be consumed if it’s homemade.

So ok, so I know this is all a wtf is she shyting on about now; but hould’yer whists, I do have a reason.

You see, these next twelve months is the centre of a seesaw, to me anyway. My first 30 years of adulthood are gone, binged and scarred all over me and my organs. But next year, when I am actually 50, one way or another I will fully expect to live another 30 years, statistically anyway.

So will I spend them like the last 30? Or the next 12 months?

That’s what FFFo is all about. At the end of this 50th year I might be so full of the joys of a clean fit life that I might grow up into one of those marathon running grannies, be able to drink my own wee wee like Rosanna, and feel like a 20 sum’ting Yoga teacher.

I might not be. Who knows? If I am, I might decide it wasn’t worth the effort and continue to grow old disgracefully.

Maybe this year will be so miserable and boring that even if I look like Miriam O’Callaghan at next year’s All Ireland it still wouldn’t have been worth it; and it might even end the way it started – unfit (ish), fat and creaking like an Arthritis clinic.

FFFo is like taking my own test drive in myself, and I intend to make a daycent effort at it. I’ve even gone and sorted out my hair so it’s all grown up now.

So it won’t all be nettle tea and dried pineapple chunks, there’ll a blow out here and there, absolutely, and I do love my Christmas. But I just want to know if it’s worth the attention, control and abstinence.

I’ll keep ye updated, but one way or another, I’m losing 3 stones and getting back inta a 14.

Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday morning. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane


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100 thoughts on “Frilly On 50

    1. Sheik Yahbouti

      Sadly, I must agree with moould. Fight the flab, if you must, take care of “the tummies and the t’ighs”, but spare the rest of us, for Christ’s sake.

      1. Rowsdower

        Yeah, really.

        You ‘re eating properly and exercising? Great, next blog is about brushing your teeth is it?

  1. ReproBertie

    Good on ya Frilly. Stick with it and sure who doesn’t feel like a 20 sum’ting yoga teacher now and again?

      1. De Kloot

        Don’t forget his flea and sex-mite infested crotch…. Sure his spare hand is never out of his pants….

  2. mauriac

    spuds are a superfood ! brown rice,pasta and bread in moderation are fine too just cut out all cake,added sugar and midweek alcohol. eat as much veg as possible . don’t set arbitrary time limits,make permanent lifestyle change.good luck.

    1. some old queen

      IMO brown Rice is the original super-food. One of the slowest burning crabs which is cheap, tasty, very filling and is actually a pulse meaning it also has protein.

      I practically live on because it is so easy to cook and can be mixed with anything, It stores forever. Try the parboiled long grain out of Lidl Frilly,

          1. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            Authority nutrition eh? Unless you’re a toddler or pregnant, you’re fine.

  3. Janet, I ate my avatar

    Go for it Frilly, once you get going you won’t know yourself ! Don’t listen to the haters.

    1. B Bop

      Go wan Frilly Girl! Put the work in there so you can have the really Good Years boozing, long lunching & caking at 70!
      Keep us updated too.
      Off the fine wines myself for a week or two…due to the massive overindulgence of last 20 years-bad acid reflux etc.
      Creaky & achey too & I’m 41-and skinny!

    2. realPolithicks

      I just turned fifty four the other day. I became a vegetarian almost three years ago and lost thirty pounds over about twenty months. I haven’t gained any of it back as of yet, and it’s been relatively easy. Good luck and keep us informed of your progress.

  4. Mr M

    Best of luck Frilly. Hopefully you will be able to stick to the plan. Most people would usually do it in January but it usually is for just January. And for those of the ‘why do we need to know/read this’ category; well it’s more positive than alot of other nonsense articles that are often posted here.

  5. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

    It’s about portion size, Frillz. I got gestational diabetes and lost nearly 3 stone when pregnant. Eat wholemeal things. If you’re eating spuds, only eat 3 small ones. Nuts for snacks. If you need a sweet treat, have Rich Tea biscuits or Malted Milk or somesuch. Don’t eat too much fruit. Lash into veg. The weight will fall off you.
    Good luck. I decided to be Fit for Forty and gave up my sneaky fag fetish and got cycling. It made a big difference, as now I’m the perfect specimen of womanhood in all ways, which is nice for me.

      1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

        Good fat.
        I’m not talking a “carton a hot nutz” like you get in the pub, now.
        Don’t ask me what good fat is. I’m a complete dilettante.

        1. pedeyw

          Oh I know, I love nuts (jokes encouraged) but I also haven’t ever tested my limits with them. I think I could problem graze all day on them.

          1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

            Pistachios are my favourite. I can eat a LOT of those. You can buy them by the scoop in Lidl.
            I think if you don’t eat them with dried fruit (loads of sugar) you’re sorted.

  6. Nikkeboentje

    I did the same before I turned 40 last year, but I did it all at the same time…no refined sugar, no gluten, no dairy, increased activity etc. I haven’t felt this good or looked as good since I was in school.

    1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

      No dairy? Yikes. If I couldn’t smother my brown bread in butter so thick I can see my teeth-marks in it, I’d have found it all too difficult.

      1. Nikkeboentje

        Yep, it was really tough as I love cheese. However, I also gave up bread, so that ruled out craving butter heaped on yummy brown bread.

        For me, the no dairy and no gluten (pasta, bread etc) really helped get rid of my pot belly. I think I may be slightly intolerant. On my cheat day, if I eat bread and cheese, I can see my tummy getting bigger in front of my eyes!

          1. Nikkeboentje

            In fairness, real butter is less bad for you than margarines and other spreads. Everything in moderation, so perhaps try having less butter on your veg rather thank cutting it our completely. However, if you give up sugar, you’ll realise how tasty veg is all by itself, I rarely use salt and pepper any more!

  7. Condor

    Best of luck. Word of advice though, don’t bother with the GoPro. You’ll be sorely disappointed with how dull normal, even mildly exciting things look on the resulting videos. I got one, and was dismayed to see how not-cool I look doing everything. Also, the editing… the editing

  8. Starina

    dude sorry but nobody cares. put it in a facebook status. if it doesn’t relate to the world at large it’s not consumable journalism

  9. some old queen

    Ok my theory on diet is that there are certain trigger foods and everyone’s is different so it takes a while to find out what works for you. Bread was mine. I stopped and dropped a stone. Then went back on it and gained half a stone in three weeks. Stopped again and dropped again. Not hard to join the dots there.

    One point to make about taste. Your brain is over time conditioned to like certain foods so when you change to non processed it takes time for it to ‘rewire’. But it really is worth sticking with it because then you start tasting high sugar and fat content for what it really is. Junk.

    1. pedeyw

      Not just now, it kind of always was. Frilly was a staunch defender of it though, cos apparently cork Cork fans like to think they’re in the confederacy for some reason.

      1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

        Hang on. I’m gleaning a slightly snide phrasing tone you say ‘Cork fans’. As if it’s something that’s not gloriously divine, which it is.

  10. bisted

    …g’wan Frilly…this could be the start of Celebrity Operation Transformation…Anne Marie could get in training for chasing a new bandwagon, Desperate Dan could do with learning something about denial and the FFer spin doctor mightn’t have his nose in the trough at the moment but he looks like he could loose a few e̶u̶r̶o̶s̶ pounds.

      1. Clampers Outside!

        Cognitive Behavioural Therapy…. sounds bigger than it is.

        Basically helps you with combating negative thoughts / cravings by teaching you how to recognise and react to your own habits you want to stop, and how to do so in a positive way, through the creation of new habits, and CBT gives you the techniques to do that.

        if you’ve ever tried morning affirmations – ‘i can do this’ / ‘today is MY day’ / etc – then you should have no problem with CBT. Similar just a little more complex :)

        Good luck again Frilly :)

          1. Clampers Outside!

            Nope, never had it. Not the medical condition.
            In my drinking days I had alcohol induced depression which lifted when I gave up alcohol.
            I’m sure you know, as I do, people with depression and it would be disingenuous towards, and trivialising of the real thing to say I had same, in fairness… for that I am grateful

  11. sǝɯǝɯʇɐpɐq

    Frilly, I’m finally 55, and I’m feeling fit as a fiddle.
    Today is my birthday.…..yeeaahhh!!!! That’s why the weather is so bad.….aawwwhhh!!!!

    I drink and smoke to excess and sit around doing practically nothing practically all of the time.
    I eat whatever I like.
    I’ve been a constant 10¾ stone since I was in my teens.
    I have no tips for you but I wish you well.

    Now you have to wish me a happy birthday, please.

    1. Pawel

      Basically, what you’re saying is, Frilly could be a big loser, just give it a few more years?
      No offence dude. You are one of life’s winners I am sure of dis.

      1. sǝɯǝɯʇɐpɐq

        My secret Pawel, and you’re to tell NOBODY else, right?
        – I’m deadly serious about this… It ISN’T a joke.

        I never drove a car.
        – It’s that simple.

        I’ve owned a few cars and had a half-stake in a Volkswagen van one time but I walk everywhere, and get the bus / Luas / taxi when I start getting too thin. I don’t jog. It was never cool.

        Throw away your car, get sexy.

        1. sǝɯǝɯʇɐpɐq

          Basically, what I’m saying is that not even ONE of wished me a Happy Birthday.

          It’s too late now. You had your chance.
          I’m going to sober up and write a regular column for Broadsheet.
          I have the contract in front of me… as soon as I figure out how to write upside-down I’ll be signing it.

          You’ll be sorry then.
          I’m not messing.

          It’s going to be terrible.

          1. B Bop

            Happy Belated!
            Go wan -lovely Autumnal day now, out for the walk!
            Have a lovely glass of something later, less smokes though!
            Celebrate yourself…’50’s being more ’40’s these days.

  12. Anne

    “I’m back.”
    Like any good horror.. you think it’s gone, then out of nowhere, it’s back with a vengeance.

    “I have entered my 50th year.”
    I woulda never thought it looking at that bikini…. or how you act. I woulda put you at 15 truth be told.

  13. Anne

    “I’ll keep ye updated, but one way or another, I’m losing 3 stones and getting back inta a 14.”

    So you’re going to turn Friday’s here into Operation Transformation? Like I can watch the fat fuppers on the telly, why would I want to read about those who take issue with skinny jeans wearing colleague every bloody week?

    And what was that bikini for, your left toe?

    1. Faecal Matters

      Face it non-entity, unlike the author, you don’t have your own column on here and you never will.
      Your average, barely literate somnambulations fail to stimulate or interest many.

        1. Frilly Keane

          At my request BTW

          Just in case ye were tinking the lads were shafting me

          Anyway quick update

          On a weekender here in the Midlands
          Savage night last night when we merged with a stage in the hotel bar

          Now normally
          T’would be pints, wine with the dinner, a few more pints then either wine or from the top shelf

          Now. under the FFFo plan
          Bottles of Coors lite over pint glasses of Ice
          From start to finish
          And no spuds with the dinner

          Went way over me saved up units
          The best sing sing ever…..

          And as bright as a button
          This morning

          Annuder night ahead
          So it’ll be the same again
          But I’ll be taking alcohol units in lieu

          And I’m into my 4th litre of uisce

        2. Anne

          Which Anne? Me Anne? Did ye email me or send out a pigeon or physic thoughts or something? Damn it.. I don’t check that email much. It’s probably just as well.. I’m not feeling very masochistic at the moment.

          1. Orla

            Aye, let on you never recieved the request – get writing, you’re quick enough to reduce other peoples’ columns to mulch, get writing you pro.

          2. Faecal Matters

            Gwan there Anne

            Nice try but it strictly speaking wasn’t your own column, it was just “Anne writes …”

            like a sort of pity shag or something at ten to two

            nice try though in fairness

      1. sǝɯǝɯʇɐpɐq

        @ Feck-all Matters:
        – Don’t discourage her. A column from Anne could turn out to be the funniest thing ever posted on this site.
        I already know what my first comment will be… I’m going to copy and paste the whole thing and follow it up with a link to the original article.

  14. Orla

    I’d actually love to read a column of hers after all the stick she gives to other writers, come on Anne, give us something of substance baby, you know it all so away you go ………..

    1. Faecal Matters

      I wouldn’t. I really didn’t want to read a column by her. It was a figure of speech, nonetheless indicative of her fragile and demonstratively tragic mindset that she equates a silly consumer affairs issue to a weekly column

  15. Orla

    Ahh, you’re a wee star aren’t ye?

    Anne, you need to concentrate on your wee self, not all around you………

  16. some old queen

    Olra you need to click reply directly underneath the comment in order for it to make sense. Otherwise it will look like you are fighting with yourself and there is enough of that going on around here.

    1. Orla

      Ah now, my ould queen, she’ll get the jist, she’s not thick, I’m led to believe – let her quander …..

  17. petey

    it’s all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
    ps, i’ve lost 5 stone, no joke. so i’m not impressed. come back when you put on some real weight.

    1. some old queen

      Seen a fela in the sauna like that. Looked like a deflated michelin man. No easier way of facially gaining twenty years than rapid weight loss.

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