SALT LAKE CITY—Seeking to limit the fallout from a videotaped speech in which he asserts 47 percent of Americans “pay no taxes” and do not take “personal responsibility and care for their lives,” Mitt Romney hastily called a press conference today to apologize personally to the “150 million starving, filthy beggars [he] might have offended.”

Saying that he deeply regretted his choice of words at a private $50,000-a-plate fundraising function in May—during which he argued “[his] job is not to worry” about the lower-earning half of the nation’s populace—Romney personally appealed to the country’s “dirt-caked garbage pickers and toothless street urchins” for forgiveness.

“First and foremost, I would like to offer a heartfelt apology to all the whores, junkies, bums, and grime-covered derelicts out there who make up nearly half our nation,” a visibly contrite and solemn Romney said outside a campaign stop at a local high school. “Let me assure you that I in no way meant to offend any of the putrid-smelling, barefoot masses out there. My campaign is not about dividing this nation, but about bringing all sides together—the rich, elegant members of the upper class, as well as the 47 percent who are covered in flies and eat directly from back-alley dumpsters.”

READ ON: Romney Apologizes To Nation’s 150 Million ‘Starving, Filthy Beggars’ (America’s Finest News Source)

pic/iheartchaos


UK animator Chris Butcher’s hilarious green-plastic-army-manimation featuring the foray of a platoon of toy soldiers across a dangerous vegetable patch.

Produced by 3angrymen, Irresistible Films and Bee Everywhere.

Here’s the making of…

laughingsquid/doobybrain

It’s no Limerick A Day but…

Irish Writer Julian Gough writes:

I was fascinated by Mitt Romney’s honest and thoughtful words in the recent video filmed at a $50,000-a-plate dinner for his donors. And I was sad to hear him say yesterday that he thought he could have expressed himself in a more elegant way. There is nothing more elegant than verse, and so I have taken the liberty of converting Mitt’s thoughts into a poem.

Feel free to set it to music; perhaps a simple, honest, country tune. (Now that I think about it, the last verse sounds like a chorus to me.) In fact do, what you like with it; I’m giving it as my gift to the world.

 

The Elegant President

It’s hard to be rich, ‘cause then poor people bitch ‘bout
Our houses, our cars, and our cruisers.
When I’m king, I won’t do a thing for the whiners
In diners; I don’t work for losers.

I love you because you just paid fifty grand for a plate
I wish there were more of you great guys to love in each state
Don’t worry, I won’t do a thing for the folk serving dinner
I’ll talk like they’re not even here, ‘cause I just talk to winners.

No representation without some taxation
That’s what the first tea party meant.
I’m the best man that money can buy for this nation;
The poor can’t afford presidents.

What we need is an elegant country for elegant folk.
Not fuckups in pickups with hiccups from drinking and dope
Who can’t afford healthcare, who can’t afford dinners like this
Those people aren’t drowning, they’re waving their communist fists. 

The president’s not there to help forty seven percent.
I don’t care if they starve, I don’t care if they can’t pay their rent
It’s their own fault for borrowing money from people like us.
Trying to own cars, when God meant them to travel by bus.

I’ll be an elegant president, there for the elegant few.
I’ll do what you pay me to do, because I’m one of you.
If Jesus had just paid some taxes, I’d represent him
But he didn’t, so fuck him, the loser can learn how to swim.

Julian Gough

What you may need to know.

1. Greetings From Tim Buckey is actually a biopic of cult singer-songwriter Jeff Buckley, son of cult singer-songwriter Tim Buckley. Both died young, and tragically.

2. Jeff is played by Gossip Girl star Penn Badgely. Great name. The cast also includes the incomparable Bill Sadler and Kate Nash. The reviews have been decent .

3. Jeff Buckley only completed one album before his death. He is responsible for the definitive version of this old chestnut.

4. Useless random trivia alert: Jeff Buckley was once Glen Hansard’s guitar tech.

Release date (Ireland): 2013 (TBC)

Broadsheet.ie