Steal Yourself



The Bike Institute, Lower Dorset Street, during BikestandGate, Summer 2013

FIVE ‘top notch’ Gold Star rating MasterLocks were up for grabs to the five sorriest tenderest bike pinching anecdotes.

The Bike Institute, Dublin’s premier thief-loathing bike shop, supplied the locks and the judges.

So what tales left them howling with empathy, their very souls punctured?

The five lock winners.

Art Vandelay: “My poor wife is single handedly keeping the bike thieves in Dublin in business I’m afraid. She is on the worst run of luck Ive ever heard of. She’s had THREE bikes stolen in the last month. The first was a very good second hand LaPierre road bike that was stolen due to her being a numpty and locking it terribly one day in town, whereby I then lectured her for days afterwards about how to lock a bike (this smugness came back to bite me on the bottom). No less than 2 days later her absolute pride and joy, a ludicrously expensive (sure what else it the cycle to work scheme for?!) LaPierre mountain bike that she bought 2 years ago was stolen from our underground car park. It was locked but still not that well and what with it being in a “secure” car park she had planned on waiting until the weekend to lock it with a better lock. We had recently moved from a house into this apartment complex which is why the lock was so crap because we used to always have it inside the house but the complex has a strict no bikes inside the building rule.
She swore off bikes forever, but after about 3 weeks of me nagging her to get back on the horse and convincing her to get one of her mates who wouldn’t use the CTW scheme to get a another decent bike and off we went to cycle superstore and got her the cheapest (and still decent) womens bike that the shop had. As adverse to locks as she is, she bought the dearest one they had in the shop, 120 quid and brought the bike home.
My wife then proceeded to spray paint the bike matt black so that it had no recognisable features at all. That added to my “lessons” on how to lock a bike, we were sure this one was going to be around for the long haul. Not so. One flaming week and it was taken from the underground car park. Angle grinded off (Cue me having to explain that my locking technique only made it harder to steal, not impossible, as apparently my smug tone lead her to believe it was going to be).
I have no idea what they will do with that bike as it has no markings. The worst part about that last bike is that our elderly neighbour interrupted the two dudes that were stealing the last bike and they threatened to cut his throat if he didnt feck off. He rang the Garda and they arrived. 4 hours later.” So thats that. 1 month, 3 bikes and a lady who swears she wont ever use a bike again. (I plan to get her one for her birthday on the QT so hopefully she doesnt read this).”

Ronan:“Used to commute on old road bikes I bought cheap as I REALLY didn’t want to get one stolen. After doing this for 5+ years I finally got sick of it and wanted a new decent bike as I really enjoy cycling. Saved the pennies and picked out a nice Cannondale, supplemented by the bike to work scheme. Loved the bike, but was terrified of having it stolen. I have always had two decent locks, U-lock and cable lock, even so, I just didn’t want to let it out of my sight (can you guess where this is going?) anyway, with bikes not allowed in our office, I used to arrive to work early, bring it in, hide it in fire escapes, utility closets, anywhere but outside, getting periodically reprimanded along the way. After several months, and on my last warning, if I finally had to bite the bullet and lock it up outside. Left it there in the morning, checking out the window every 15/20 minutes that it was still there, sometime around 3.15pm some f–king toe-rag got it, first day I locked it up. Heart-breaking and still paying for bike I don’t have.”

Edelicious: “Years and years ago, while I was still in college, I came back to my bike after classes to find that some toe-rag had gone and nicked the front wheel off my bike. While I was standing there bemoaning the fact that I was going to have to awkwardly walk my one-wheeled bike home, another student walked up to the bike rack to find that everything BUT his (quick release) front wheel had been stolen! Obviously the thief had seen that yer man’s bike was only locked through the front wheel and so had quickly unbolted my (non-quick release) front wheel and made off with the other lad’s bike and my wheel. I tried to convince the other lad to give me his wheel, since he wouldn’t be needing it anymore, but he was having none of it and stormed off with wheel in hand.”

Ally M: “(insert setting the scene here) I got my bike robbed whilst cycling it. The little thieves were lying in wait as I rounded a corner in Stoneybatter. Rang the Guards from Centra (took my phone as well), got picked up from there and went bike thieve chasing – without success.This isn’t a failed locking story but I got locked after though, miss that bike.”

Rowland: “My wife and I bought two bikes on the bike to work scheme and we were only a couple of weeks into paying for them. We were out for the day and locked them both, using the one lock, to a pole outside a swimming pool we were visiting. We came out 20 minutes later and found that the lock was broken and my bike was gone but my wife’s luminous pink bike remained. They had to lift her bike out of the way to get to mine. It’s a rare thief that can steal your bike and insult your wife’s taste in bikes all at the same time!”

Thanks all.

Sally O’Brien (a different one) writes:

Winners can call into The Bike Instituteto claim their prize and are welcome to regale us further with more tearful stories (bike related) if they wish.

Yesterday: Let’s Get Seriously Locked

The Bike Institute

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9 thoughts on “Steal Yourself

  1. $hifty

    Yeah, only four listed. Obviously forgot either my lovely anecdote or one of Clampers’ 15 efforts.

  2. Soft like

    It’s was nice dredging up the past yesterday. No lock for me though. Ah well maybe next time.

  3. jonjo

    There’s a lock missing – does rowland’s wife get one too – that was a good story.
    If there is another going a beggin – there was a beautifully crafted piece in there by a lad called jonjo – well deserving.

  4. mike

    @rowland – what were the two of youse doing in the swimming pool that only took 20 mins? Hardly time to change and shower?

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