On Slow Learners



Two things that can’t be faked.

Male orgasm The driving test and decent manners.

Grab a tay.

Frilly Keane writes:

You know, to reach my stage of life, like where and who I am as I write this, and who and what is around me, there was a journey to get here. Not the shortest or the easiest, and to be fair, not the toughest compared to many. But the one I’ve taken is filled with all sorts of people.

Who I’ve met, who I’ve played with and against, those who I’ve worked with, taught, represented and resented, those I went to school with, got into trouble with, those I’ve remembered, those I’ve buried and those I wish I had, those that I could do without and those that I couldn’t.

So I think at this stage I’m qualified to say I’ve have come across most sorts.

Those that’ve had it handy with the best of schools, the best of childhoods and opportunities, the best of educations, the best of jobs, the best of inheritances, the best of everything that most of us haven’t; and those who’ve had nothing, not even a chance.

I’ve met those who are self-made, from nothing to millions; and those that had it all and lost it all. I’ve known lads to whom a bank was where they footed turf and too many others to whom a bank was their best friend, or so they thought.

There have been those that were born into family fortunes, those that walk into family businesses or who were handily set up.

I’ve come across those that’ve had tragic home lives, including abuse, illness, addiction and poverty, to those that had the happiest and healthiest.

There have been those with the high expectations, never fed enough ambition, will-power, determination and talent; and those that have none of those things nor sought to develop them.

The Inferiority Complex to the Superiority Complex, from the chip on the shoulder to the walk over.

From all of us – well what I’ve learnt anyway, is that there are only two things that’ll never actually separate us, that’s two things in this life for which there are no explanations or reasons for bias, discrepancy or argument; two things that are totally in our own hands.

One of these is the Driving Test.

We all fill out the form. We all get processed. We all pay the same fee. Fair’nuff we don’t all get the same Test Centre or Tester. But when you sit behind the wheel with the Clip Board in the Passenger seat, it matters not a Charity Founder’s fart where you went to school or who Daddy is or where you’ll be in ten years.

The driving test is permanently calibrated to not recognise genetics, fortune, potential, means or background.

You don’t get your test first time because you went to Trinity. You don’t fail you test because you didn’t get beyond the Group Cert. I failed my test first time ‘cause I was shit, shit from years of provisionals and bad habits, and reckless feckless blaggarding behind the wheel.

You pass or fail based on whether you are fit to drive; so pass or fail – it’s all yours.

The second is Manners.

Simple, plain, easily learnt and maintained, and free of charge. And they should never be taken for granted just ‘cause you know when to say please and thank you, and not to leave someone else’s bathroom in’ a hape, you still have to stay on top of them and keep yourself in check.

Blaming your personality, it’s who I am, when bluntness wasn’t needed, or the work’s mad busy when barking a rude response to a simple pleasantry is neither an excuse or a reason for bad manners. It’s all on you, and me.

I remember a thread here about a lad who took his shoes off on the bus and the “Update” told us he was tired, happily married with kids and had sore feet. Bollox. It was bad manners. There was no beginning or end to it. It was bad manners.

Table manners? How many reading this have said or heard a we never ate at the table growing up for eating their dinner like a puppy or scraping the plate directly into their gob?

I’ll give ye a great one, and this one is really true; I was once in company with a lad that had his plate cleared before most of us in the dining party had even got served or reached for the red sauce, and when challenged (not by me btw) “I went to three boarding schools” as if it was therefore acceptable for holding his fork like a Fine Gaeler would a pitchfork at a sod turner.

Mind you that particular lad is a prize gimp. But he’s married, has a mortgage, has a dependent, has a job, so until he’s declared a ward of the State, he has no excuse for treating a dining table like a trough because his Mammy didn’t put manners on him.

Yanks are the same, and it drives me crazy; so stop arsing about with it pretending yere dissecting a lung and learn to use a fork correctly ffs.

So there ye have it, the word according to Frilly.

Mind yer manners and you’ve only yourself ta’ blame for failing the driving test.

Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

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86 thoughts on “On Slow Learners

  1. Nilbert

    Did this start off as another Aldi ‘wine-tasting’ session?
    It’s like a completely bunged up u-bend down the back of the internet jakes.

    Kids today and their manners…tsk….

    1. Holden MaGroin

      For reals? Why don’t Garda have to sit the test? I would have thought they would have to be one of the most highly tested groups of people. Mad.

  2. Holden MaGroin

    The easiest job I’ve had when reading one of your pieces so far Frilly! You may have hammered your first point about your expereince of life’s effects on ceratin people home a bit hard though. Sceptical me also feels that someone’s Daddy has definitely paid for a positive driving test result in this country of ours.
    I’m not sure why I’m feeling the right to judge your writing today but it’s not meant in malice and this is the broadsheet comments section after all.

  3. b

    looks to me that the person taking that picture has their bag plonked on the seat beside them, taking up prime seating real estate

    tut tut

      1. Nigel

        Man taking his shoes off and putting them up in a bus is equivalent to a handbag on a seat. And people wonder why feminism is a thing.

        1. Clampers Outside!

          I suppose you think man-spreading is a real thing that needs prevention Nigel.

          Go on Nigel, it’d make my day to find out that you are actually an SJW supporting the ludicrous campaign against men sitting naturally and comfortably.

          * crosses fingers… and legs for good measure *

          1. pedeyw

            If we’re onto man spreading then, yeah terrible manners. Google image search the term and observe the douche bros in all their poor mannered glory.

          2. MoyestWithExcitement

            I’m all for the patriarchy smashing but the man spreading thing is complete trollox.

          3. Nigel

            Well I don’t know but those look like man’s socks to me.

            (Also, can you clarify that manspreading isn’t real, or that it’s real but it’s just men sitting naturally and comfortably? Kthnxby.)

          4. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            It’s totally a thing. Next time you’re on public transport, have a gander at the spaces that women* take up vs men. See how women shrink themeslves to fit whereas men take up as much space as they want?

            Yeah, that.

            *Except me. I take it all even though I’m tiny. I’m a equal rights hu-manspreader

          5. MoyestWithExcitement

            “I’m not so sure, moyest:”

            One or two of those are ridiculous alright but I’ve seen a good few of dza laydeez take up space they don’t need to on the bus as well. Sure last week some chung wan was literally lying down on the long seat at the back of the upstairs on Dublin Bus. People being @rseholes on public transport is not a gender specific thing. Also, danglies. They can, CAN, have a hard time when you sit uncomfortably.

          6. Nigel

            It turns out ALL men are the poor wee pets. Who knew? Calling out men who behave badly for bad behaviour associated mostly with men is the real sexism, I see.

          7. pedeyw

            I never thought it was gender specific. It’s just a bit more prevalent with dudes.

          8. Clampers Outside!

            Thanks Moyest, I being privileged, wouldn’t be allowed to have said such straight forward logic, without being told I was mansplaining. Fair play.

            Not a great track Don, that one :)

          9. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            No, pretty much sums you up perfectly


          10. MoyestWithExcitement

            “I never thought it was gender specific. It’s just a bit more prevalent with dudes.”

            Ah yeah, it’s just I don’t think it’s sexism or male privilege. It’s just @rseholery.

          11. Nigel

            And yet you thought my response to the video was a response to you? Someone’s confused all right.

          12. Clampers Outside!

            You need to look up the meaning of ‘passive-aggression’. It is not I who has avoided discussion, confrontation or indirectly resisted demands of me… or lobbing insults. If you cannot discuss without lobbing insults…. would that make you a…

            Good lad, maybe you should look in a mirror.

          13. Nigel

            If I say your name three times in the mirror will you make a sarcastic comment and then a condescending insult and then post a youtube video in lieu of an argument and then an obtuse evasion and then a counterfactual assertion easily disproven by reading the above exchange? Because it was tedious enough the first time.

          14. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            As opposed to what? Your insightful contributions to discussions about gender that go WAHWAAHWAHWAHAWAHWAH MEAN FEMINSIMSIMSNTS STOLE MY DOLLY

            You do’t want to be called out it? Then don’t say such idiotic things

            Don’t forget the :)!

          15. Clampers Outside!

            Oooooh, block capitals. Must be getting serious :)

            And well done Don implementing the feminist 101 defence tactic – delegitimise, don’t engage.

            A funny summation Nigel, needs more work.

            I’ll leave ya to it guys, thanks.

          16. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            Well, it is hard to take someone with such logical fails seriously. But now you’ve flounced off (classic MRA behaviour) so I guess I win WHICH IS JUST WANT FEMINISIMSMS WANTS



          17. MoyestWithExcitement

            “Oooooh, block capitals. Must be getting serious :)

            And well done Don implementing the feminist 101 defence tactic – delegitimise”

            Because you weren’t deligitimising with your ‘oooh, block capitals’ comment.

          18. pedeyw

            Nice to know we’re on the same page, Clamps. I’ve been eye rolling at most of your comments too.

          19. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            Oh you’re back! Thought as much. Must be a quiet day on the anti-Ghostbusters forums.

            Best get down the passive aggressive store to pick up some more smilies. You’ll run out at this rate

          20. Clampers Outside!

            Don, I don’t know where you got your anti-Ghostbusters bluster… you’ve thrown that out a few times. You should know I am looking forward to seeing it, but thanks for your concern.

            So, throwing in a smiley is seen as passive-aggressive now…. hmmmm…. must be all them microagressions :)

          21. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            I’m surprised that such an intellectual giant of the gender politics world* wouldn’t get the Ghostbusters reference

            *read a breitbart piece one time

          22. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            I’m not surprised


          23. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            It’s Clampers defence mechanism after hearing Mani and his ma

        2. Nigel

          And you’re seriously trying to suggest you’re not being passive-aggressive? Good luck.

          1. Nigel

            Your reasoned and logical critique of feminism does stand head and shoulders above most critiques of feminism, mostly because you are a decent person and do not indulge in rape threats and death threats, which is a not inconsiderable thing when it comes to critiques of feminism. From that point of view I feel you should be encouraged, but I’d rather not patronise you by pretending anything you’ve said on this thread constitutes argument or critique but tedious passive-aggressive snark, and all because I dared remark on how silly your handbag comment was. More fool me. Anyway, well done on being a fundamentally decent person whose brain cells switch off when taking about feminism, I guess?

          2. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

            Kipnis? The one who said dating wasn’t rape even though an allegation of rape had in fact been made against that professor and then failed to correct errors in her article?


          3. MoyestWithExcitement

            ‘I disagree’
            ‘Let me show you a “qualified” person backing me up’
            ‘Actually that person’s arguments are flawed and she has been widely discredited’
            ‘Pfft. You just can’t handle someone disagreeing with you.’

  4. Disasta

    Dude with shoes off is a dope plain and simple.

    Table manners one really gets me. Eating with your mouth wide open. Making loud noises while eating.
    Pilling your entire plate onto a piece of bread like you’re sitting at home at your kitchen table.

    1. Mikeyfex

      My housemate and long time friend chews with his mouth open; slurps his drink, hot or cold; eats noodles with his mouth three inches from the plate; does this thing where he brings the food 95% of the journey on the fork and rather than placing it into his closing mouth he dips forward hard and inhales it the rest of the way creating a noise that if heard by a judge s/he’d grant me a pardon and a medal. But the worst, the absolute worst is when we’ve company or he’s eating someone else’s cooking these low frequency throat noises start to reverberate through the air. They’re like someone going mmmm with approval but they’re from further down the throat and apparently involuntary. A less funny person would be pig food by now.

    2. Donger

      Was in Tribeca recently and the couple next to us both got bowls of wings, as you do. Fair enough, they’re messy business but that’s why you get all the napkins, wet wipes and lemony water bowl. Every time they’d finish a wing they would stick their fingers in their mouths and suck, slurp & tongue job their hands…..then start all over again. They ruined our meal as we were both nauseous from witnessing these finger job sessions

    3. pedeyw

      People not clearing their plate away in restaurant or canteen where you are supposed to (used to annoy the crap out of me in college) or ditching their stuff in the cinema.

  5. rotide

    I know someone who bought their licence (bribed someone in the dept of transport – banana republic style) and my old man got one in the amnesty.

  6. Skeptik

    Use a fork correctly?
    I always find it endlessly amusing to watch people here trying to eat peas off the back of a fork. There’s nothing graceful or dignified about holding it upside down!
    Do you try and drink soup off the back of a spoon too?
    It has a curve in it for a reason..

    1. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

      I snort them up my nose. It’s faster that way

  7. andydufresne2010

    Rudeness to waiting staff really annoys me. There are still adult human beings out there that think on some level that being rude to waiting staff makes them somehow more knowledgeable about food. “I eat out a lot,” they say, as if you’re supposed to be impressed or let them off with the fact that they were just plain rude to a waiter for no reason at all. They’re also the same people that are stingy with the tip. The thing is, frequently these people are relatively normal in other respects. They just have this ‘thing’ in restaurants. Bad manners.

    1. Dόn 'The Unstoppable Force' Pídgéόní

      Great way to weed out the baddies when dating though. Or just generally,


    got as far as ” to whom a bank was their best friend, or so they thought. ”

    Wow, this guy could write prose……, but then I read it again putting an aussie upward inflection twang on
    ” or so they thought ” & closed the tread.

    Try it it with a sagely doubting Thomas mother from the bog twang, same effect.

    State of ye man.

  9. Cup of tea anyone?

    You can stick the junior cert on that also.

    Well up till the government tries to change it to have the teachers correct their own students.

  10. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

    I have a big issue with people who hold their knives like pens.

    It annoys me that it annoys me, but it’s like nails on a blackboard. I can’t stop looking at it – like in-your-face cleavage. The eye is drawn to it…

    Except it’s terribly annoying, unlike looking at boobies, obv.

  11. Janet, I ate my avatar

    You always know the love is gone when you start to hear their chewing

  12. Anne

    I don’t see the problem with your man taking his shoes off.
    If he was wearing flip flops I’d be seeing his feets anyway like.
    Unless there’s a smell.. and even at that, some people just stink.. you can’t really tell anyone on public transport that they stink, unless you fancy a head butting.

    Cmere, aren’t you in finance frilly.. can you not write something where we’ll learn about something. Anything. Equities, bonds, funds.. how the wealthy are getting wealthier.. The Tax rates they pay, compare it to PAYE. You could make it plain and simple, without all the colloquial bollox.
    Could you not put a little effort in.. think about what you want to write about, put aside a half hour a night for 7 nights.. that’s 3.5 hours of research til next Friday comes around again. Just a suggestion like.
    This is like woman’s own fluff.
    I don’t understand you continually getting this platform and making an airhead of yourself.

    1. MoyestWithExcitement

      “Cmere, aren’t you in finance frilly.. can you not write something where we’ll learn about something. Anything. Equities, bonds, funds….The Tax rates they pay, compare it to PAYE. You could make it plain and simple, without all the colloquial bollox.”


      1. Anne

        That would entail putting your neck on the line though and putting in some effort. Going off getting some facts and figures.. trying to interpret them and do some analysis. If anything needs some correction, hopefully no one would be disgusted.. (eh, like Frilly was with a certain political candidate who got picked apart in relation to banking assets vs liabilities in relation to anglo austria.) These posts are complete fluff, sorry. Week after week, it’s just fluff.

        1. MoyestWithExcitement

          Sure, but so are a lot of posts here. It’d be nice if she used her platform to educate but not everyone with a platform is obliged to do that. She has her own mini blog on a public forum is all. It’s just a list of words.

    2. J

      @ Anne: Julien ” I haven’t a clue but Linkedin says I am an expert” Mercille volleys fluffballs every week at BS and yet you never complain.

      1. Anne

        Ah now.. what Julien writes about is hardly fluffballs..
        Julien..balls.. mmmmmm .. what we talking about again.

        1. Frilly Keane

          You know what Anne
          You’ve some nerve calling me out like you have above

          Suggest you study your own remark to me on the Irexit thread
          The one where you blunderingly wondered if I was a man ’cause I commented on Ireland’s shyte back line

          I done write about my own professional field for a number of reasons
          One of them is confidentiality
          Another is my own privacy

          1. Anne

            It’s great you’re into the soccer and don’t wear skinny jeans.. I admire the auld butch wans.. I do. You don’t mess with um like.

            You know well you could write about finance without mentioning anything personal… in fact didn’t you write about a particular incident in a pub with some work colleagues not too long ago. Something about a young wan called Anne who got all amped up with indignation..

            It’s up to you.. I’m sure you have a bit of a brain.. you’re just choosing not to engage it. Your decision.

          2. Frilly Keane

            No Dear

            I’m choosing not to engage yeres

            That thing you mention about Work Colleagues
            That actually wasn’t my ‘day job’ work colleagues

            Arra who really gives a ûck
            Tis the tinternet

            I write what I like

  13. Mulder

    Can, i just ask, i assumed, Frilly was in fact a woman but some here seem to be suggesting she is actually a he.

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