Beyond The Red Cow



The National Ploughing Championships 2016 in Screggan, Tullamore, Co Offaly


Frilly Keane writes:

Ya see, it was all going grand ‘till last Sunday morning, when I was walking the doggie, and lapping up all the colours and buntings and flags along the route.

Now, where I live, there has always been a single Mayhoo flag, a proper one, with a wall mounted fitting en’all. It always came out for the Connaught Final (if), likewise for the AI. It’s the same in my house; the flags come out for the weekend of. Whatever one it is.

But this year we wondered where our Mayhoo neighbour was, then on Saturday the Mayhoo supporter walked past the house, so. That was that. He wasn’t dead or anything. Anyone in the Crumlin Village area will know of this lone Mayhoo flag flyer.

So anyway back to Sunday morning, with the dog; met some of the regulars in the park, lads getting the dogs out early before the match stuff. All dolled up themselves.  All set. It went like this; The Hooch’s daddy btw:

“a few scoops in the club first … so wha d’ya think “x”

“Great day for football, no winds, soft and boggy, Mayhoo ‘ll like that”

“Ah yeah, bleedin’ muckers, ahh it’ll be bad t’watch…. D’dubs ‘ll will win by 15 points …handy…”

“have ye seen Mayhoo play this year” “nah”

“Well I tink it’ll be a lot tighter than handy now”

“D’ya ting…. Ah’nah… D’Dubs ‘ll cream ‘em, Mayo’ll be in a jock in de’ final 10 minutes”
… Come on you bhoys in Blue… Ye know the rest

Now, if it was Cork playing, I’d be in a jock meself with the funny tummy, and too nervous and jumpy for walking the dog, so I thought, fair play t’them and kinda wished t’was me heading off to Jones Road; sur’ there’s always next year.

Anyway, where am I going with all this? Well.

Ye; Dubs/ Big City types are very reluctant to look beyond the M50 other than to sneer. That’s no secret I suppose. But all this needs t’be said again. So here it goes.

When it comes to Football the only side Dubs mention or care to get to know are the Kerry crowd. When it comes to hurling, ye re well able t’look beyond the M50 for players, mentors and managers, funny that.

What happened by half three on Sunday shut ye up, kinda, but t’was more like a wtf happened daze. It didn’t last since ye broke out’ve it by Tuesday, and the opening day of the Ploughing Championships.

Ye couldn’t help yereselves. And a quick “ploughing” search here will show ye what I mean, and it goes back, as far as 2010 and the very start of the gaff. But what ye didn’t do was wonder ‘how the fuck do they do it?’

I’m told that this year Anna May filled 1580 exhibition stands indoor and outdoor. Anyone care to guess what Anna May charges for a sqm of field?

Whatever it was this year I betcha t’would make your gob smack, and I betcha’ tis healthier, far healthier, than what Dublin Event Planners and their Skinny Pants get for the RDS.

But of course there’s going to be difference, loike it’s Dublin 4, with the Starbucks and Noodles and Penthouse Suites, and Transport and Roads with Tarmac. NotZoned for Agri use fields in rural Ireland.

So 283,000 wellie wearers stumped up and stumped through the muck in Screggan this year, that’s 283,000 that travelled by car, van, trailer and shuttle buses to the fields of midland Ireland.

Not Ballsbridge or Spencer Dock. Rural Ireland. With its funny accents, grubby clothes, pot holes, flooding, silly hats, muckie boots, and their Hang Sangwichs.

So here I’m thinking of the other Paddy, the one who likes to tell us about his life on the farm whenever he gets a chance, the one who throws a tantrum about Wiffy and Hotels and Transport. Yet; all he was prepared to learn from Anna May and the NPA was that Hay bales make good seating.

You’d be hard pressed to find Wiffy in Screggan lemme tell ye; but it didn’t stop the biggest Ag gig in Europe.

“Ireland doesn’t stop at d’Rid Cow Roudybout” those Healy Raes provide comedy fodder for this gaff like no other pair of TDs.

So, ya know, keep laughing.

Cause its stopping ye looking too close.



Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday morning. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

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38 thoughts on “Beyond The Red Cow

  1. Yeah, Ok

    I tried to read it, I really did. Mayhoo? What the hell is that? Are we to pronounce that May-who? Awful. Awful, awful, awful writing style. I thought you’d stopped that sh1te.

  2. Yer Man There

    Am I supposed to read it in the voice of what I imagine a prohibition era bootlegger would have sounded like?

    1. rory

      It made it more enjoyable for me.
      Or as a shortcut, imagine Dave Chappelle doing his impression of a 1940’s gangster.

  3. Nilbert

    I can’t take any more of this shtick.
    I can’t even figure out what it’s supposed to be, faux Culshie, faux Dublin-rare-oul-character?
    Whichever, its extraordinarily grating.
    Like a middle-aged woman cooing in a baby voice after too many mojitos.

    Why not just what you want to say without all the literary gurning and mugging?
    Give it a shot…

  4. MoyestWithExcitement

    “Ye; Dubs/ Big City types are very reluctant to look beyond the M50 other than to sneer.”

    Really, you could condense the entire piece into that sentence. It’s about 19 paragraphs of someone expressing their inferiority complex.

    “I betcha’ tis healthier, far healthier, than what Dublin Event Planners and their Skinny Pants get for the RDS.

    But of course there’s going to be difference, loike it’s Dublin 4, with the Starbucks and Noodles and Penthouse Suites, and Transport and Roads with Tarmac. NotZoned for Agri use fields in rural Ireland.”

    And then the writer sneers at the Dublin/Big City types after talking about them sneering. Whatever about the writing style, the message is all over the gaff.

    1. ahjayzis

      “It’s about 19 paragraphs of someone expressing their inferiority complex.”

      I no longer need to comment, well said.

      It’s not our fault we’re not into the whole bleak bungalow bliss existence of monoculture, bad sandwiches, milky tea, calcifying conservatism and rampant inbreeding.

    2. Gav D

      It’s about **** paragraphs of someone expressing their inferiority complex on a (thankfully not really) weekly basis.

  5. Jaden

    I’m actually not sure what I just read. All I can be certain of is that is was *AWFUL*.

    There were parts of it I had to go over to or three times, and still didn’t get what the intended message was.

    It seems to the the drunken meanderings of someone with a huge chip on their shoulder. Kinda like what the Healy-Raes would come out with – if could write joined up.

  6. Yeah, Ok

    I get it! I finally get it.
    Look at all the comments, truly united in their opinion. This is genius Broadsheet, really it is.
    A blissful utopia where we all get along. I even agree with Moyest up there.

    All it took was finding the worst content imaginable. Bravo.

  7. Not Gerry Adams

    Ken Early does this shtick in a far more entertaining way on the Second Captains podcast, see “The Fair View”

    1. Frilly Keane

      Probably just as well as its his livelihood

      and tbf like
      and he got handy mentoring from Premierview, AFR, GAA Board, Clarehurlers, UpTheDeise, the KilkennyKats nut house when he started off

  8. RT

    So bitter about Dublin having different attitudes and lifestyle to rural Ireland, yet continues to live/work here. That’s an original one…

    Dublin for most of it’s urban history has had a separate identity to the rest of Ireland (The Pale, etc), and it’s no less Irish, authentic or real, even in the southside suburbs you have picked on in particular, just because it doesn’t have your beloved “funny accents, grubby clothes, pot holes, flooding, silly hats, muckie boots, and Hang Sangwichs”

    The North has it’s own identity too, with its own funny accents and outfits, but that’s a different story…..
    Embrace the diversity in our little country and ditch the Little Irelander attitude

  9. H

    I didn’t read the article but as I scrolled down the line Ireland doesn’t stop at d’Rid Cow Roudybout caught my eye and I couldn’t help but agree, Ireland doesn’t stop there but civilisation does

    1. dan

      Ireland doesn’t stop there but civilisation does,
      I have yet to see any evidence that this statement is not true

  10. edalicious

    The only time I sneer at things outside the M50 is when I know it’s going to wind up someone from outside the M50 with a chip on their shoulder.

  11. Gav D

    Frilly, I’ve asked this before, you’ve yet to answer: If you hate Dublin so much and Cork is so great…. Why don’t you just leave?

    Genuine question.

  12. Spaghetti Hoop

    Ah Frill. I fear that perhaps this article echoes the inane and small-minded attitude that Ireland is a Dublin vs 31, Northsider vs Southsider, Heino vs craft beer, hipster vs bogger, Republic of Cork vs 25, Inside the M50 vs Outside kind of set-up. It’s not. Isn’t all this guff only chat and banter? I can’t speak for my entire county but a lorrah Dubs are from country parents but even not love the counties we play against (Kerry et al). Even established borders are knocked down in our pysche when we play GAA.

    That aside, young Dubs moved outside the M50 to get their 3-bed semis so they could have their kids enjoy the front and back gardens and estates that they could no longer afford in the city. Tough life for the commuting parents. No tougher than our country friends who leave the city on an Expressway to rejoin their families for 48 hrs after a working week.

    Let’s break down those inter-county hostilities and enjoy the All-Ireland for what it is. I value it even more as an emigrant and enjoyed the game last week with many county reps from home and nationalities.


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