You Are The Controller


Ahead of RTE’s new season launch.

The Monkey Tennis Challenge is back.

Please leave suggested shows below.

The best ideas will be included in a lovingly compiled alternative RTÉ Guide listings.

Previously: RTE Guide, Only Better

The RTE Monkey Tennis Challenge

65 thoughts on “You Are The Controller

  1. mildred st. meadowlark

    The Great Irish Beard Knitting Jumper-Off:

    Join fresh new face Kathryn Thomas and her buddy Bressie as they lead competing shut-ins in a frenzied dash to knit ever more outlandish and woolly beards.

    1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

      Gosh, he’s attractive that fella. I saw him near Kildare Street recently. My hands dropped to my thighs and I started rubbing them briskly without even realising what I was doing.

        1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

          Heh. No.
          He was being snappy to a lady who was trotting along a few steps behind him, though.
          Did I mention he’s handsome?

          1. Brother Barnabas

            he also deleted (or stole, who knows) my idea for a new show presented by twink, which is obviously a big pity

  2. Cool_Hand_Lucan

    Whelan & Dealin: Marty Whelan goes undercover as a drug dealer on the streets of Longford to uncover the dark underbelly of small town life in the midlands.

      1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

        Me too.
        Only problem is, everyone knows Marty and his silken tones. Even if they stupid-faced him up, he’d be recognisable.

  3. Paulus

    6:00 D’Angelo’s (Beverly D’Angelo bares her bosom while intoning the bongs).
    6:01 News to Me. (Members of the public discuss things they didn’t know before).
    6.30: Talkback (Bold children give cheek to their elders).
    7.00: Garda Patrol (Fly-on-the-wall doc following Dublin’s sole Garda as he does his rounds).
    7:30: Down on the Farm (We examine depression among the agricultural community).
    8:00: Wharra lookin’ at? (A look at the programmes being viewed by disaffected youths)
    9:00: That’s News to me 2

  4. Daisy Chainsaw

    The Best of The Best of the Late Late Show. Ryan Tubridy presents the highlights of the recent Late Late Show Highlights.

    1. Andyourpointiswhatexactly?

      I was going to say “Shut Up And Take My Money” but I think I will remove the last 4 words.

  5. Spaghetti Hoop

    Ab Fab Fabs. Dermot Bannon and Twink travel to the capital’s south suburbs advising homeowners on erecting prefabs in their gardens, making them look absolutely fabulous and maximising their return in rental profit.

  6. scottser

    the angina monologues:
    george hook performs wheezy, chest clutching renditions of scenes from classic irish plays. this week, playboy of the western world.

  7. Al Jeers

    “Godspeed” RTE1 19.30 – 20.00 Father Brian D’Arcy and his cleric mates race their housekeepers around the papal cross at Phoenix Park.

  8. Al Jeers

    “Nice to see you, to see you … nice” RTE1 20.30 – 21.00 Kamal Ibrahim tries to coax out persons with Agoraphobia.

  9. Al Jeers

    “MacMafia” RTE1 21.30 – 22.30 Aengus Mac Grianna “dons” an ingenious disguise to go undercover and infiltrate the Mafia.

  10. Nigel

    MBeard To The Ground
    A man grows a beard. To the ground.
    Beer To the Ground.
    A man drops his beer. To the ground.
    Sneer To The Ground.
    A man mocks the ground for being naive about a political issue of the day.
    Near To The Pound.
    A man moves into a house next to a dog pound.
    Leer To The Pound.
    A man gets arrested for canine voyeurism.
    Pee To The Ground
    A man gets arrested for public urination.
    Peeler To The Pound
    A guard is assigned to the dog pound.
    Teepee To The Ground.
    A tent is erected to preserve evidence at the urination crime scene.
    Peer At The Ground
    An ex-alcoholic twice-divorced chain-smoking detective who spends his evenings listening to long-play vinyl jazz records investigates.
    Seer At Pound
    In an unexpected genre crossover a psychic helps the guard protect the dog pound from supernatural canine voyeurs.
    Sneer At The Pound.
    While the psychic and the guard are distracted by the canine voyeurs a man mocks the dogs for being naive about a political issue of the day.
    Beer At The Pound.
    The detective falls off the wagon when he is assigned a Labrador as a partner
    Seer To The Ground
    The psychic trips over the detective who is lying in an alcoholic coma.
    Peeler To The Ground
    The guard trips over the dog who is having a well deserved nap after solving all the cases.
    Everybody laughs.
    Freeze frame.

  11. Al Jeers

    “Mull La’s” Network 2 22.30 – 23.30 Lee Mavers studies Islamic theology and sacred law as he goes on a journey to become a top Muslim.

  12. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Francis Brennan’s Grant Hoor – The man himself searches nationwide for the farmer who has obtained the most EU subsidies

  13. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    At Your Service – John & Francis Brennan take in Mass in every church in the country.

  14. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Womb to Improve – The Catholic Church tells us what it really thinks of women.

  15. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Whelan In The Years – snapshots of Marty over the decades, watching him turn from brown, through purple to silver fox.

  16. mildred st meadowlark

    The Rest o’ Rant: Kevin Dundon and Rachel Allen prepare their finest and most memorable dishes yet whilst ranting loudly and chucking plates of unwanted ingredients at each other before serving the results to an entirely bemused panel of judges and friends. A must watch!

  17. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Charlie’s Angelus – the late CJ Haughey counts down his favourite bongs at 6pm.

  18. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Creedon’s Road Less Travellered – The Corkman searches in vain for Ireland’s only litter free route.

  19. Bertie Blenkinsop

    Ask Me, Gash – Juliette Gash answers your consumer queries

    More tea Morrissey – Marty Morrissey interviews The Pope of Mope

    The bleedin NECK a Hugh – Conor McGregor’s sister tends to Hugh Grant’s shaving cuts

    Nashanwide – A look at how working class Irish people struggle with the name Nathan

    My family and other animals – At home with the McGregors

    The road less travelled with John Creedon – John pays a visit to Mick Wallace’s tailor

  20. Penfold

    Healey’s Heelys ,
    The Healeys demonstrate how auld lads can make a speedy and “safe” way home at night after a rake of pints using state funded Heelys footwear.

  21. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Game Of Thorns – An epic fantisy adventure series for dyslexic gardening enthusiasts,

  22. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Are You Being Severed? – Hilarious comedy about sudden redundancies in a large department store. Based on a true story. Followed by I Can See Clearys Now.

  23. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Dry Poops – documentary about the effects of Irish Water’s hosepipe ban.

    1. mildred st meadowlark

      Ah it was much better before the mods got their grimy little mitts on it.

  24. Bertie Blenkinsop

    Brennan’s Bred – 10 lucky ladies compete to be impregnated by Francis Brennan

  25. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Dancing With The Starrs – Ringo, Freddie & Edwin enroll in the world famous Bolshoi Academy, hilarity ensues.

  26. Johnny Keenan

    ‘Arsey Darcy’
    Where Ray and Fr Brian Darcy have sex to show the CC isn’t as homophobic as it thinks it is

  27. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    You’ve Been Farmed – Harry Hill narrates as Irish farmers moan and whinge about something or other and demand Government action. Again. (Repeat)

  28. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    A Player At Bedtime – Father Phelim Young smokes a cigarette in meditative silence before retiring for the night.

  29. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Love Inland – Caroline Flack hosts the show with the cast of desperate young singles who have come looking for a summer of love and romance in Mullingar

  30. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    Come Fleadh With Me – RyanAir’s Michael O’Leary reviews the best of Irish music from a base about 350 Km away from the action.

  31. Alf S. Perez-Lee

    The Only Gay In The Village – The country’s most beloved vintage broadcaster takes over as editor of Ireland’s political and cultural magazine. Hilarity ensues.

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