And So To Ted


The saga continues.

A status update from long-standing, love-lorn Broadsheet commenter and proud bear, Fluffybiscuits, who writes:

‘Never in a million years was it going to be humanly possible that a Ted X Talk would give me a new way of thinking about things.

Singledom is a road paved with excruciating loneliness, the wedding invite that screams plus one but it is also a time of the self – self development, learning to be more independent and learning that truly you do not need anyone but you to be happy.

It also is a time to challenge our notions of what relationships are meant to be and how we see them through a prism of monogamy.

About three months ago a man walked into my life who was a breath of fresh air.

Chatting on the long summer evenings and then a cold September weekend together consuming tourist sights, curling up against the cold and mutually bonding over a shared love of Benidorm.

S, as we will call the chap, is a free spirit and a free spirit in the truest sense of the word.

He will never see this article but I am going to give the basics – he was conceived by accident he said by parents who despised him and a set of siblings who loathed him as much. What emerged from the chrysalis was a warm spirited but free loving man who likes to share the love in the emotional sense of the word.

Which brings me to the open relationships bit – in conversation he has admitted that he sleeps with friends and that he intends to but I can accept it if I like.

Lessons learnt from relationships have told me to never compromise on things and this is one thing he appears to not want to compromise on and nor should he, it forms a very personal cornerstone of his existence.

It’s a struggle for me to understand but the more I think of it thanks to the Ted X Talk (above) the more I am beginning to see it as a way of embracing the intimacy afforded by others.

The Talk advocates communicating with your other half but also knowing what you want from life. How many of us can genuinely answer that we truly know what we want from this short existence upon the Earth?

I truly cannot answer the question but maybe S is on to something that I am not and no harm in exploring. Cynics in the comments will say it’s about the sex, trust me it is not….

“Dancing in the Moonlight, Everybody is feeling warm and bright….”

Previously: Filling The Void

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17 thoughts on “And So To Ted

  1. Janet, I ate my avatar

    ah Fluffy, I’m delighted for you, plus I thought I was alone on the benidorm,
    we only get one swing on this rock, spend it feeling good and doing no harm is my motto,

    1. Cú Chulainn

      Yes. I’ve learned to listen to my heart and be honest with myself and others. If it’s a problem then it’s a problem. And if it’s not, it’s not. For a lot of people as they get older, what matters is the other person is there for you and with you when they’re with you. No lies means no shocks or disappointments. Enjoy the good moments. They are all we have.

  2. tomm

    A lot of alarm bells ringing here. I really hope it works out for you but you’re 3 months in and the signs are not good.

  3. Fluffybiscuits

    Ha lorn Im not! …its a close friendship so far thats developing slowly!

    To be honest folks, he lives in London and Im here. Im quite happy to dip my wick with other lads too.

    And yip could end in total disaster but if I dont take a chance then who knows!!

    We’ve all got to have confidence in our own decisions. Open relationships or opem dating i should day may not be for me now but I dont genuinely have an issue at the moment

    Being emotionally detached from myself for a year and a half was great but its given perspective!

  4. Lilly

    Go on Pulling with Your Parents, Fluffy. That’ll sort you out. You’re not a free spirit; you want someone to share your life, not flit in and out of it.

  5. some old queen

    It doesn’t matter if your relationship is monogamous or not, the only thing that matters is that you agree the rules and then stick to them. And if you can’t then grow a spine and renegotiate- up front- no secrets. The biggest single factor in the break-up of relationships is deception- being lied to, being hurt.

    This not a gay nor even a human thing- this is a sentient beings thing.

    1. some old queen

      And if RTE want to get their act together and do a REAL life drama- no better place than the GUM clinic in James.

  6. Slightly Bemused

    I have not yet watched the video, but I have read the article. As a result, I accept if I am either repeating something said, or contradicting it. I will watch the talk, but later.

    Sometimes, being with the one you love is not about sex. Sometimes it is about respect, comfort, sharing, having someone to watch films with, gripe about the worlds woes with. Sometimes it is about being able to come home at the end of the worst day of your life to a safe pair of arms. Sex quite possibly may not enter the equation.

    Sometimes sex is about adventure, fun (a really good sense of humour is needed for really good sex), exploring sides of you you do not want to have in that safe place.

    I have a really good friend. We had sex a long time ago, and it was fun. But what has lasted is that safe place, that person I can tell anything to, and often do thanks to the wonders of the Internet. We do not get together as much as I like, but the last time, we spent hours chatting on the couch, she curled into me, and we talked of cabbages and kings. We then slept in separate beds without a regret: she is married, and at the time so was I, with a lovely daughter. But we understood each other, and that was the important thing.

    @Flluffybiscuits: take care of you, and do what is right for you. Mostly, I would say have someone who loves you for you in your life, not someone who only loves you for the sex.

    Oh yeah, and obligatory safety message ;)

  7. Jeffrey

    that TED talk… she thinks she has discovered something new or wtf? I call these people selfish-narcissist, they have been around for a long time and whatever works I say! Not everyone wants to make their life not only about themselves but others too, both works and both can lead to happy or sad stories, I dont think there is a magic recipe here.

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