Author Archives: Niall Murphy

Charlie’s TV listings for the Big Day:

8am Extreme Dress Conjecture

Top scientists take turns speculating about Kate Middleton’s dress, bypassing trite discussion of its potential colour and style in favour of determining its approximate atomic weight, by feeding a schoolgirl’s crayon sketch of what it might look like into an onyx supercomputer studded with flashing lights.

9.00 Elephant in the Room Street Party

Live televised royal wedding street party at which, for no particular reason, any discussion of the royal wedding, no matter how tangential, is strictly prohibited, a policy enforced by an emotionless computer-controlled crossbow that automatically executes anyone so much as mentioning it. Survivors win £2,500 for a charity of their choosing.

9.30 The Only Way is Essex Royal Wedding Special

Precisely what you’d expect, but somehow worse.

10.00 Brief Flurry of Excitement as Ben Fogle Arrives at Ceremony

10.15 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Snarky Comment Re Prince William’s Hairloss

10.30 I Couldn’t Care Less About the Royal Wedding and I Don’t Care Who Knows It

Pundits declare their ambivalence toward today’s event while standing on brightly coloured plinths clutching armfuls of live chicks in order to make them look slightly silly for bothering.

11.00 Fifteen-Minute Pause for Everyone on Twitter to Make Joke Re Kate Being Taken Up the Aisle

Read the Rest: Charlie Brooker’s Royal Wedding TV Go Home (Guardian)

Photo: AP

…for the first time it was just so apparent how the coiffure is engineered. It’s a triple combover! Wow, just totally big sheets of babyfine hair from both sides and the back stretched and interwoven into a complex layering on the top. It really is a wonder to behold, and so utterly unconvincing as to boggle the mind.

Princess Sparkle Pony

Impressed? Now behold the überweave in glorious 1800 x 1200 Denial-o-Vision™.

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Scott Weaver’s Rolling Through the Bay: an impressionistic depiction of San Francisco currently on display at the city’s Museum of Science Art And Human Perception

It’s made from over 100,000 toothpicks and took 35 years to make.

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The £5,500 QTvan, designed by UK company Environmental Transport Association, is designed to be towed by a mobility scooter, which means it can be toted along the pavement or even into a supermarket.

ETA, which clearly knows a tenuous marketing opportunity when it sees one, sez:

It is perfectly suited to queuing overnight for best spot on the Royal Wedding procession route, the start of the sales or for tickets ahead of Wimbledon fortnight. The QTvan is so named because it caters to three peculiarly British obsessions: queuing, tea and caravans. As well as a 19″ television on which to watch the ceremony highlights, and a drinks cabinet with which to toast the happy couple, the tiny caravan boasts tea-making facilities – essential for a royal day out.

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Australian designer, Marc Newson reinterprets the most iconic timepiece of all at the Glaskeller factory in Basel, Switzerland. Each hand-made hourglass is made from highly durable borosilicate glass and filled with millions of stainless steel nanoballs.

Nanoballs.

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A new (but as yet unverified) Banksy mural (lower pic) has appeared in Fitzrovia, London near the site of his since-removed ‘One Nation Under CCTV’ piece (top pic).

Banksy’s rat daubs graffiti in Fitzrovia (Fitzrovia News)

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