A study looking at freshwater marine life in the UK has found cocaine inside shrimp
This morning’s news isn’t a joke
It’s enough to make decent folk choke
If you’ve wondered why
Your shellfish seem high
It turns out the shrimp are on coke.
John Moynes
Pic: Allstock
Young people are failing to land jobs because their embraces are all wrong, a youth mentor says
When you go to shake someone’s hand
You may think your performance is grand
But too strong or weak
Then before you can speak
You’ve already damaged your brand
John Moynes
Pic: Allstock
A US job listing seeking an account manager who is “preferably Caucasian” was removed on Sunday following uproar online
An IT firm in the Deep South
Wrote a job ad that’s rather uncouth
They want a new face
But from just one race
It’s high time that they shut their mouth
John Moynes
Norway believe they have stumbled upon a white whale that was trained by the Russian navy as part of a programme to use underwater mammals as a special ops force.
If you head out from Norway by sail
You might just encounter a whale
It has straps on its back
And it’s trained to attack
Like a beast from a strange sci-fi tale
John Moynes
Pic: Allstock
Amazon plans to deliver worldwide to its loyalty club members within a day
The boffins at Amazon say
You can get what you want in one day
Sent straight to your house
While you sit there and grouse
That your high street is dying away
John Moynes
Pic: Shutterstock
Manchester United legend Eric Cantona surprised fans by sharing a video showing an erect penis cracking an egg
Does anyone think that it’s bad
To crack open an egg with one’s lad?
Because there’s a chance
That a fellow from France
Has made it a new viral fad
John Moynes
Pic: Instagram
Amateur snooker player James Cahill celebrates his World Championship victory over world number one Ronnie O’Sullivan yesterday
Poor Ronnie, the world number one
Wasn’t having a great deal of fun
When a fellow called James
Took the match by two frames
Which meant that his work here was done
John Moynes
Pic: Sky
Comedian Volodymyr Zelenskiy won Ukraine’s Presidential vote yesterday in a landslide
Ukraine has elected a bloke
Who is best known for telling a joke
And it seems that this man
Is bereft of a plan
He won using mirrors and smoke
John Moynes
Pic via Time
The GAA is to ban overseas training for county squads and will also impose a restriction on the duration of home-based camps, the Irish Independent reports
The athletic heroes who play
Gaelic games must do so without pay
And now a new rule
Which seems rather cruel
Insists that they can’t go away
John Moynes
Pic: Balls.ie
Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has said there is an open invitation to Donald Trump to visit Ireland but the US President might only accept via Twitter
We may only find out by tweet
That Ireland’s expected to greet
An unwanted guest
That orange sex pest
Who might come to play golf, and to cheat
John Moynes
Pic: The White House
