GAA fans (top) and irish Rugby supporters

A question as old as time itself.

Lads?

Or Goys?

Frilly Keane writes:

My favourite day of the year is the day the clocks go forward. No matter how shit the weather is that day, or even if I’m in a hape, or both, no matter what, by 5 in the afternoon I’m like 5 kilos lighter and 15 years younger. I love the surprise coming home from work, or going to training (well, those were the days) and its actually real daylight.

While I’m not a great one for paying attention to the garden, I love the madness that comes into it from that same Sunday. The birdies, the flowers budding even if I don’t know what they are or how they got there, the hedges going from haywire to mangle, the blossom petals gently hiding the dog’s jobs.

It doesn’t matter how ould and senile I get or hungover I could be of a morning, I will always appreciate the season that gate crashes in and signals the end of the Rugby season.

I know we have our National league and club finals, but since I’ve never been involved in a club that got beyond the county boundary with any serious chance, and now only travel to League matches if someone else is driving, which is rare enough these days since most of the lads I’ve knocked around with over the last 25+ years here in Blah Cliath are by now married and under orders or gone back home, so I’ve pretty much given in and handed Winter over to the other crowd.

That’s their season.

It’s now our turn.

We come into our own at this time of year. Cheltenham is timed nice for the end of Lambing season, so it keeps us away from the Ireland’s Callers, the League Finals helps us sort out who’s who what’s what and who the danger men are over the coming months, Punchestown and Championship openers, and then it’s all about the hay and the Sundays. (On that note I’ve decided that if we don’t make it to August again this year, I taking up the golf again. There I said it )

So I thought I might just use Frill-Bit this week to reorganise ourselves into the Lads or Goys.

And rather than present the predictable bullet point list i.e. lads have hang and brown sauce in their sangwichs: Goys have parma and pesto in paneenies; I’ve indulged a scenic route generalisation of the cultural differences between us and them.

We’re a Club first and always breed and that will never change. For Goys its school ties, where the vibe is, or who pays more. A Lad’s colours never change whereas the Goy will change theirs according to trends.

We recognise anyone at Rubgy whose roots are firmly outside the Schools scene is a bandwagon passenger or on a free work piss-up.

When it comes to the opposite sex, Lads have a different method for measuring the potential of a harmless knee trembler (Goys might refer to this activity as Bushing which originates from the Wes circuit). “Not the worse looking” versus the now accredited by KPMG no less, K-Scoring with results collated from the testing groups’ Clunge Scales and Roidable ratings.

Yes Clunge is an established asset classification within the Goy sectors. Sur’ layve ‘em at it, whatever gets the job done applies to all walks.

On the other hand, on more long-term arrangements, there was a spell in the 90’s and early naughties were Lads would be required to assess any accompanying Milk Quotas and possible Road Frontage that might come with a potential other half.

However some have reverted back to the standard of their fathers and grandfathers, does the prospect have the gatch to bucket feed calves, and put a daycent feed together at any hour.

These days since the removal of College fees Lads are required to consider other qualifications, such as Dentistry, Teaching, Solicitor, Nursing, and aptly record the income as “fierce handy to have coming in.“

Goys decide on pedigree and parentage, the school connections, how all over the grooming regime covers and would they share their moisturiser. The current vehicle would also be considered in the evaluation, and does she come with a pony and paddock.

Interestingly tho’ Lads and Goys both share the same settling down plan. Both tribes rarely venture beyond their own kind.Both will intend to have their boys and girls reared within the same club/school culture, and most definitely within the same parish.

The big day is a huge event for both sides, but comprise of very different elements.

Lads will not change from the tradition of the Turkey n’ Hang, and the free bar (if possible) insteada wine, fizzy wine, fizzy peach stuff. Goys will go exotic with Monkfish and Cornfed sum’ting or other, and a fully vetted, tested and assessed for knob value wine selection.

A lad’s honeymoon depends on the Club’s progress, but they would definitely manage Listowel, if allowed. Goys will head to where everyone is talking about, for no less than 3 weeks.

By the next Bank Holiday after this, the Munster Championship will have opened up at the end of a week that Lads will have submitted their annual head on the block, searched for the lucky underpants, checked the geansai still fits and stains of last summer aren’t too nasty.

While for Goys, exam Season is offered as the official line on why they’re “keeping it chilled”, but the truth is the credit card needs to be cleared.

They will have talk of heading to Brittas to help open up the holiday homes, check the ribs and outboards, replace the decks and clean the barbeques “Man.” Or, they’ll be letting on their cricket whites need whitening and the bat needs oiling “huh huh!”)

It’s all bollox lemme tell ye. Because in truth Goys are followers, most have no effin interest in spectator sport unless there is a club house that requires jackets involved. “

The Lads will turn up for every sporting event they can get ta or get in ta, from Cards to Darts, Point t’ Points, Dogs, Bowling (the road kind not the Mickie Marbh kind), Golf, Sawker and even the Rugby if it’s a freebie.

I worked with a lad one time that ended up at Silverstone for the British Grand Prix having gone to Celtic the day before, it went like this. (Pure Dundalk head btw)

“Sur you don’t even drive”

“But I like Fosturs”

Even with the €uros interrupting this season’s run-ups, Lads will land back in Rosslare or Ork mouldy as fuck, and still make their way to the train stations to catch the Specials. And in their rightly colours.

Over the next 4 months Lads will be decorating the gaffs, the cars, the road furniture, contentious boundary lines, walls, sheds and landmarks, with the same two colours and all with same feckless fearless abandon of a dog cocking his leg.

While Goys will be sniggering into their Pimms and Gins at the gaudiness of it all.

I love it when the Lads arrive in Dublin, I love the colours, the banners, the dodgy paint jobs on the cars, the sing songs.Flat caps, Crepe Hats, Sombreros. I even don’t mind with my Flag gets knocked off. It always gets back to me.

Wouldn’t change a bitta’ve it for a rollover win. And remember Goys. We only need one Anthem when our teams line out.

!Corcaigh Abu

Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

Pics via Her.ie and Reddit

From top: Fianna Fáil negotiating team arrive at Trinity College Dublin for government formation talks; Fine Gael’s Paschal Donohoe and Simon Coveney at TCD.

With some planning we could have a job share roster for the next Dáil session.

Frilly Keane writes:

Sur’ why not?

We’ve seen and hurd everything else. Super Majority Civil War Ententes, Blueshirt and Light Blue Independent hankies, Soldiers of Dynasty and their DNA Independents, Minority Alliances from the Pic & Mix benches; all ponsing about the Leinster House podiums, Montrose broadcast studios, and filling column inches at a rate not seen since the Armstrong Moon Landing.

Instead of Leap Year proposals, there have been more combinations and blends promoted by Enda and Mickey than at a tea taster’s convention.

The real story here is that Frilly Keane was right. The only Government that still makes any sustainable sense is FFS’Fein and their colour wheel near-neighbors; or another General Election.

The latter being exactly what the Big 3 wants by the way. FG because they want to rope in a few stray Independents onto their tickets, while FF think they have what the Yanks call Momentum “The Big Mo.”

The Shinners on the other hand want another, and more wiser, go at a General Election campaign, a campaign that will not be infiltrated and infected by Mir.I.Am O’ Call’again and all the other anti-SF product placements, and by now manners will have been firmly put on a few of their own. They also enjoy the cosy luxury of another 6 figure damages payday to lash into the election kitty.

Something else the Big 3 absolutely agree on, they want another election now so that the Independents and small party collectives and rabbles are stalled trying to raise deposits.

Lets go back to Job Share.

First of all look at this.

Once you’ve stopped lol’ing at O’Reilly’s photo or sniggering at big smuggy grin on Nash, put the two fingers down and ask yerselves. Who is doing the job of Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources?

And who is the Minister of State with special responsibility for Rural Economic Development (implementation of the Cedra Report), Local Community Rural Economic Development Issues and Rural Transport? Sur what daycent professional would want that job anyway?

While yere at it, study that list of Ministers for State, from the 15 gigs 7 got re-elected. And one of those was Dara Murphy. Cheesus wept.

There is something fundamentally incorrect with the structure of our Cabinetry and Design of our Ministries anyway. So whoever or whatever set up gets the Seal of Office next from the Áras, t’would do them no harm to make all those jobs redundant. If fully suited and booted

Senior Ministers need a dig out, let them pick their own Juniors/ Assistants from the party benches at their disposal, and with no extras goodies like Garda Drivers and wage/ pension top ups.

For example: Jack Chambers TD, assistant Minister for Children and Youth Affairs.

With some solid Manpower planning and committed partners we just might have a Job Share Roster for the next Dail Session.

Week On Week Off would probably be more efficient for lads collecting milage, but that’s up to the various mandarins, cardigans and Sir Humphrey’s. I’m using the FF FG casting call because that’s what everyone else from The Examiner to the Marian Brunch Party Sets are using. (I wouldn’t want to upset the establishment honeys any more than I have already.)

Taoiseach / Tánaiste, Meh and Meh eile. Back and forth week by week.

Finance / Public Expenditure and Reform, swapsies between Michael McGrath and Paschal Donoghue.

Department of Social Protection/ Employment, Community & Social Support (Kevin Humprey’s old job) Timmy Dooley and anyone but Noonan or Flanagan or Barrett.

Health, Primary & Social Care, Children and Youth Affairs; Kate O’Connell & Barry Cowen (for old times’ sake) Dara Callery and Richard Bruton. And a half dozen “Assistants”

Ed, Skills / Science & Innovation. Kate O’Connell / Niall Collins

Foreign Affairs and Trade : Varadkar (he’s a crap Minister but great Politician. This is the gaff for him) and Lisa Chambers. (Harmless and will look good meeting everyone from the Pope to Putin.)

Ag, Food, Marine, Defense, Forestry, Horticulture and Food Safety: Coveney (who’s done alright there tbh) and Jackie Cahill. Sean Kyne and Pat the Cope

Justice, Equality, Law Reform, etc etc etc Willie and Francie (she knows where the biccies are) Jim O’C and whatever local Solicitor/ Junior Council the Blueshirts quota’d in – Josepha anyone? The only objector would be Francie herself so maybe not.

Tourism Sport & Arts I’d lash John Deasy and Billy Kelliher in here. Peas in a Pod. I’d say there’ll be murder about who gets the week on when the Euros start tho’

Trade & Transport, Willie O’Dea & Colm Brophy

Environment, Housing John McGuinness and Jamsie O’Reilly. And only because Reilly has big department experience and knows how to negotiate if his IMO days have a chance of being repeated. These two will kill themselves trying to outdo the other with the deals and legislation they’ll race each other to announce.

Gaeltach, Rural Affairs & Infrastructure (aka Into the Whest) O’Cuiv and Ring – no better bucks.

So whatty ye lads? I’ve even cut expense in half! But can I hand it over to ye now? Le do thoil. There are only so many times I can run up and down the FF/ FG Teachta Dálas player lists before developing a beige allergy.

Maybe consider the creation of a Commander for Broadband infrastructure. If there is to be genuine equal opportunity for all in this Country, High -Speed Broadband needs to be available to all its citizens.

By recognizing the lack of access and signal beyond The Curragh as a National Emergency we are no longer deliberately denying our communities a chance to thrive and grow.

This is not about access to WhatsApp for illegal turfcutters or Twitter for lads driving home from the club after a heavy one; this is about developing business opportunities, encouraging relocation, re-opening our small towns and villages, and promising sustainable public investment in Schools, Post Offices, Garda Stations etc to the tax payer that qualifies for a Value for Money stamp.

G’wan now. I’m not keeping a tally so I don’t care what gender the comments come in.

Before I sign off. A bitta’ve a shout out for The Wine Show. (My dream job, I’d even give up the spuds to shift that stone so I could on the road with the lads without looking too much like Clarissa Dickson Wright) ITV tomorrow and or ITV4 on Sunday. I promise ye’ll be thanking me on Monday.

Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

Acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny and Father John Gilligan leaving St Andrew’s Church Westland Row, Dublin for the Dáil Mass last month

We either dismantle this inherited caliphate now or another generation will be kept on their knees with their heads bowed.

Frilly Keane writes:

This is how our Sean Comhairle starts his day’s work. All Rise (you too btw)

“Direct, we beseech Thee, O Lord,
Our actions by Thy holy inspirations and carry them on by Thy gracious assistance;
That every word and work of ours may always begin from Thee,
And by Thee be happily ended;
Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

I know this is not news to ye, so save yere month old horns. But Vinnie had a go at this the other night and I couldn’t stop myself from roaring at Damien English.  Although, being a Meath man may have had sum’ting to do with the abuse heard from my front room. (There is a specially designated bile tank in reserves for that crowd.)

I’m dipping inta a’bitta paraphrasing now, so grab those girdles in case they tighten inta blistering wedges, anyway the gist of English’s answer to Vinnie’s poke about the prayer was ‘Sur I’m a Cat’alick, it doesn’t botter me.’ And that FFsaker dope Troy beside him said the same’ish.

Neither of them, and both probably in Junior Minsterials by this time next week, even shrugged. They were too thick to move outta the slow lane or even smell the toxic gases their daily prayer deposits in our Dáil Chambers.

Why shouldn’t removing this archaic backward nonsense be the first order of business of the next Dáil session?

And at this stage I don’t give a day old battered sausage about who’s sitting where since it’s potentially the only vote that can attract supporting yays from Independents, untangle the raggle taggle of lefties, and un-abstain the handful of Labour votes.

I know all this talk has been done and heard before. I know this has been hammered into a flat finish by others with far more cred and audience numbers than me. But I’m following this bandwagon now. And I’m not shifting.

By saying and doing nothing about it, makes us NO DIFFERENT to Ted Cruz supporters. We’re the very last ones that should be sniggering at his crowd. And Trump’s. And Palin’s. To anyone reading this, IS THAT WHERE YOU WANT TO BE?

Prayers, at any time of the day and night, and of all scriptures, hats, beads, crosses, cribs, statues, grottos, holy places and relics (and their associated bong bong bong call to prayers) have to be removed from all aspects of our working and public life, and that includes our national broadcaster.

Put that Sunday Mass on YouTube, and let me watch Dallas repeats instead. Control and design your own Sabbath. I think that’s a far better plan for us all.

It’s not like Ireland, of all places, doesn’t know the permanent damage religious divides have cratered across this island.

It’s not like we are unaware of the uselessness of it.

It’s not like we are still living ignorantly under the Catholic choke of abuse, secrecy, control and power.

It’s not like prayers are going to sort out the housing situation or get people off hospital trollies or put remedial teachers back into schools.

It’s not like prayers are going to get taxes out’ve the wining and dining Flannerys of our society or get even get them to do an honest day’s work.

So why would parliamentary rules insist that our politicians start their day’s work for us with a we beseech Thee, O Lord. Maintaining it automatically designates us as a Catholic Caliphate.

Was it for this? Was it really for this?

If Diarmuid Martin has any day’cency he should insist that a required devotion to his crowd is removed from Dáil Eireann.

It’s bad enough that some of our citizens are still denied access to their schools, so we either dismantle this inherited caliphate now or another generation will be kept on their knees with their heads bowed.

And unless Christ comes back and looks and talks like David Ginola he’s not my Lord.

I would propose sunrise and sunset email attacks on all your local recently electeds’ but here in Dublin South Central I’d only be wasting my time, so I can hardly expect anyone else to do what I say so.

This attempt to dismantle top down secularism has to be launched nationally.

There needs to be a national movement to remove the religion tick box from all public life, services, and application forms, qualifying conditions, criterias and data collections.

If we extract the requirements for declaring our religious observation and choice of faith publically, Ireland might finally be steering towards some sense.

The same applies to organisations with a religious ethos and mandate. Why should they continue to have favourable tax treatments while we bitch about Google and Facebook not paying theirs?

Please don’t talk about Blasphemy laws in yere comments and comebacks lads. Just tell me what I need to do to be actually charged with a Blasphemy crime; I would happily pay my own fines and legals if religion, prayers and whatever yere having yourselves were left to yourselves and not on my Census Form. (As for wanting to know my ethic origin, loud and proud baby, the answer they’re getting is REBEL!)

Until then, shove yere centenary celebrations, indulgent debates, book launches and speeches until we actually have an equal independent secular society where we are not obliged to bless ourselves because we’re told to.

Amen.

Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

A column in two parts.

One half lemon-based recipe.

One half political analysis

All tangy.

Frilly Keane writes:

Get 6 yolks (not your usual ones, the ones in the cartons). 350gms of Castor Sugar, and the juice of 4 lemons (bath them in a bowl of warm to hot water first and you’ll squaze more outta’ve’em.)

Tip the lot into a bowl that sits over a pot of simmering water and bate ‘till the sugar grains are dissolved.

Chunk up 225gms of Butter, the real stuff, and plop one by one into the bowl above. Keep batin’ until the substance coats the back of a spoon, and when you lick it, the licked stripe stays in place. (eg if the bits your tongue missed don’t keep running.)

Do not turn your back on that pot and don’t let it get too hot. Your Lemon Curd‘ll split so keep it simmering and you keep whisking. When you think its right, let it cool, it should fill a good sized jam jar.

Now, get those egg whites. 6, if the dog didn’t get at them. And bate them with the ba’jaysus of a mixer in top gear. Anudder 350 gms of sugar by one spoon at a time into the whizzing. (You could just use 4 & 250gm like I do) Keep going ‘till its gorgeously white and thick and glossy n’sticky. It might even be warm. If this doesn’t happen you let some yolk into it, or the mixing bowl wasn’t clean.

I use a swiss roll tin. But just use what ya have. Grease it line it, spread your white stuff and into a fierce hot oven; 200c nearly (180 fan or Gas Mark 6) for about 8-10 minutes, depends on how grand your oven is. You’ll know when, when the top is golden brown. Turn down the heat to 160’ish (140, Gas 3) for annuder 10 mins. See what you’ve done? With just egg whites n’sugar…. Now let it cool.

Get yerself some whipped cream. Stiff stuff and paste the top of what came out of the oven. Ladle the curd to your own taste; I add a handful of rasas and then roll. Dust over with icing sugar if ye like, I don’t bother.

A daycent’ slap, a pint a’ Rosé, and that’s me. I’d nearly get Saturday and Sunday night out’ve it. As long as there’s a few boxes of Ice Burgers in the fridge for everyone else like.

So just in case yere wondering…

I’ve deliberately started my Easter Holidays with a recipe as the only other words I have and the only ones that are making it out of my trap for ye are GE16 Round 1 related.

I want to forget about this shagging election, the bogus efforts of Government hogging up all the news cycles, and the shyte talk of who will be Taoiseach from the gimps that’ve just been dumped.

This place too, has been bulging with results threads. I’ve a pain in me whole.

Anything I have to say regarding the conduct of RTÉ in the week before and the days after the polls closed would slaughter a sow, so I’ll stay off topic, only to say:

(1) that Ivan Yates (TV3) was brilliant on Saturday & Sunday, he was only outshone by Matt Carthy who played a blinder, from Montrose to Carrickmacross to Ballymount and back. Nothing Miriam tried fazed him or that twinkle he had all weekend. (Can’t believe he’s 38 btw.) Miriam is a talk show host, not a journalist.

(ii) I have no intentions of respecting the mandate the electorate returned last week (apologies Anne-Marie), because the electorate were deliberately denied information that had the capacity to influence their vote (eg Noonan) furthermore, they were deliberately overwhelmed with misleading propaganda by mainstream media. That’s vote rigging as far as I’m concerned. Someone here last week wrote about Fear & Loathing on the Campaign. I’m not going to do it here again.

When Round 2 gets underway, a Top Table FFer reckons Late May/ Early June btw, the Shinners better have their vote management sorted and don’t let their votes get scared into voting for Labour & FF like last week (eg Dublin West.)

I also think there are a few Independents and Soci-Dees they should have a voting pact with SF at Constituency level. Reada Cronin might see the benefit of having a discreet chat with Mrs Murphy, a bitta Workers Party common ground might come in handy.

Snoddy needs a good talking to, his guzzling-up of party votes for himself have left us here in DSC [Dublin South Central] with NO MINISTERIAL CANDIDATE, again.

There has been no one of substance in this massively mixed, from KCR to Ballier, with massive industrial output, with 3 massive Hospital facilities and several established 3rd level Institutions, and whatever you’re having yerself, since Mary Upton, Joan Collins & Bríd Smith ffs…..And that Cat’rin Byrne can barely fill a post-it note.

Ah here. I’m off on me holidays. See ye in April.

(if ye want that recipe in old money just ask @frillykeane ttfn)

Frilly keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane

President Michael Higgins and Sabina Higgins voting In general Election 2016 at St Mary’s Hospital polling station, Phoenix Park this morning

 

It’s Show Time!

Frilly Keane writes:

Do you know, earlier this week that Bishop fella was on the wireless telling us that it was a very boring election. I write this now, days later, still wondering if he was talking about China again.

Stop whinging Des. It’s bin’a beauty!

So many have never waited on an election for so long; and yet even the premier level players in this game got caught in the wrong gear when the lights went to amber.

Gender Quotas pissing off the FFsakers, John Perry giving it loads, Independent candidates growing like weeds, and now, and well into the Green light, a Healy Rae eile is grabbing a hould’ of the gravy train.

We’ve even had some superb poster miss-action going on too (my favourite is Wallace’s No Ties in 3D btw) and this weekend past the Shinners actually grassed up the Blueshirts for nicking a few flyers. Sur’ you couldn’t make that up.

There has always been flying poster patrols, and the nudge nudge wink wink divvying up the constituency between opposite candidates and their crews, but GE16 is nothing less than pure Dog eat Dog. Between the party candidates, the non-candidates, the independents, the activists, the press, even neighbourhood watch has got into the mellee (if Dorset Stree’ is an’ting to go by.)

On my own street, Mickey Martian couldn’t get out of the car, and he’s a mere opposition TD looking for re-election. Experienced Leinster House passengers are having to venture into territories unknown, with Lowry having a naw’ful time of it in South Riding, and the Healy-Reas are in Naurt Kirrie for the first time in their baldy brazen lives.

We even have nasties coming out of the woodwork like never before. Where was Barrister O’Halloran last time out? Or the time before that? Or the time before that? Looking for grander call up maybe? We may never know. But what we do know is that evidence of the most shocking neglect and behaviour by a Government Minister is not even headline news. I don’t consider that to be boring. Des. It’s scandalous.

The complete lack of manners by some of the candidates is not boring. It’s foul. TWO, not one but two, senior Government Ministers never even bothered their wholes turning up to a Peoples Debate in their own constituency. That should never happen in Ireland. Why? Because they live locally and are in good health, that’s why.

They have drivers and transport that we pay for to bring them door to door at their own whims. Leo bhoy, you’ve no excuse other than your typically Noonan manners. Joan, enjoy the two fingers you’ll be getting today, ‘cause I certainly will, you are a coward and a fraud. You couldn’t even summon up the effort for a last fighting stand for the party that elected you their Leader in RTE the other night. Anyway, rant over.

GE16 has it all and some new ones: Fiscal Spacers. Renu’aryan Brotherhood. Different versions and combinations of the letter A that would leave Sesame Street in the Junior B divisions. And The Colour Purple.

Is that Boring?

I tell you what is boring tho’, the predictable front pages of the Sin/Indo and the Irish Times, Paul Williams’ look-at-me appearances and rants, and that Prone’wan.

Although, the latter is a business person, it’s all just a paying gig to her. To Ms Prone’s organisation, Politics is only commerce, and GE16 an earner, nothing else. Once you accept that she becomes mundane and every day, like the ESB bill.

The conduct of RTE has been particularly noticeable in this General Election. REPORT THE NEWS. Ta’uck to who is on your board, or who is on the Montrose fleet of panels and couches. REPORT THE ‘EFFIN’ NEWS.

I’m keeping it short this week. I’ve a busy day stuffing ballot boxes.

But when ye read this, most of ye won’t have voted. So remember if you vote for a Fine Gael Candidate, any Fine Gael Candidate, you are endorsing Michael Noonan, and all that he did, does, what we don’t yet know and what he is still capable of.

You the Fine Gael voter don’t get to complain about Dopey Charlie Flanagan making a show of us overseas or leaving our citizens rot without trial, or Phil Hogan aping it up like EuroMillions lotto winner.

You don’t get to complain about our Health Services or Shatter being an unprofessional tell-tale or why Frances Fitzgerald can’t connect with the meaning of Justice. You don’t get to whinge.

Look at your ballot sheet very carefully. Identify the candidate and or party that can represent you and ALL of us. All of Us; in Finance, Health and Care in the Community, Social Welfare and Protection, Education and Skills, Housing & Infrastructure, Agriculture & Food, Trade, Investment, Innovation, from Foreign Affairs to Rural Affairs. Ireland needs a Government that will represent and fight for

ALL OF US, and that needs TDs who are qualified, capable, transparent and hard working. TDs who are in it for the long haul as 100% full time Public Representatives.

Look at who they are now and what they can do for ALL of us over the next Dáil term. Vote for Substance and not for historic family connections, 100 year old bullshit, loyalties or habit.

Here’s just one example of a Substance over Style win ye’ll all identify with, Catherine Murphy or Simon Harris?

Vote New Faces into our Government benches. With new faces come new voices, new experience, new dissent, new approaches and a new culture of public service and not self-service. The latter we’ve been enabling for too long. We need new people to break the chain of over indulgence, job-for-the-boys, absurd pay and pensions, zero accountability and F.A. transparency.

Don’t let the Blueshirts, the Labour party or Paul Williams or RTÉ or the Indo Group convince you they are right about Sinn Fein at this level. They are not. Therefore I’m sticking with last week’s prediction; Sinn Fein 37-40 seats.

We must elect a house of whole time political professionals, and not TDs who see politics as a handy gig, or the family business, or a business opportunity, or a career break

Use it well. Tiocfidh.

(btw if anyone wants updates from the Tally in a double constituency count centre, stay tuned @frillykeane)

Rollingnews

Gerry Adams (left) and Michaél Martin 

The author has done the maths and checked the form.

In a week’s time we will have a grand green coalition.

Frilly Keane writes:

Since this thing was called, it’s been poll-over after poll-over, helter skelter games with the seat numbers, and errors of margin that only qualify one poll as being identical to another.

I’m not complaining I love this sport; from the selection conventions to the church gate durty’shoulders to get ta’the spare spot in the funeral party’ pew; from the state of the Leader debates to the lawlessness of the Count.

I’m positively horny about your Frill-bit this week.

Hopefully I’ve timed this particular climax just as Noonan is finally recognised for the creep he is, and Enda is still plastered in debate sh1t he can’t scrub off, and Joan. Well. Joan. It’s all over bar the crying speech, the Garda escort into the night, the tributes, the lump sums, the handy gigs, the Marian’s and the Miriam’s.

A Republican Government.

I’m not being sentimental and it’s not my notorious Tiocfidh showing its influence. It’s for real. You read it right. A Republican Government.

From my most recent set of sums, the Shinners have 50 runners, and the FFSakers, 72.

Since polls don’t really consider the PR system, to someone like me who has a nose for the transfer markets, they’re useless.

So I’ve actually gone from Constituency to Constituency and sniffed around the FF/SF candidates one by one meself, and I’ve inspected the local tracks to get a better suss of the running conditions.

So I’m sticking with my New Year’s numbers: 70 – 72 ish seats between the two Republican Parties. I’m going with 37 – 40 Shinner, 33-37 FFSakers. The head is on the block. And I’ve no problem leaving it there since I’m also predicting that Donegal Pearse will fill two more seats on his surplus + transfers.

The Soldiers of Destiny have only themselves to blame for handing The Republican Party Top Table spots over to the Mary-Lous.

And it all started when Mickey Martin refused to let Eamonn O’Cuiv run for the Áras. What the FFs did by snubbing that election was ordain Martin McGuinness as the Republican President, and while Mrs Windsor had a grand time in Cork, she all but curtseyed when Martin Mc came to visit, she made him a Statesman. The King of the North.

I still believe that if O’Cuiv had’a ran, Martin McGuinness wouldn’t have seen a quarter of those 1st preferences. In fact, I don’t think Martin would have ran against O’Cuiv. (Ach sin sceal eile.)

It may look like Mickey and his backseat bhoys are doing everything they can to run away from the banner they still use “The Republican Party” with their NO NO NO to any mention of a Coalition with the other Republican Party. But I actually think they’re scared sh1tless. Not so much about the prospect of Martin Ferris giving one’a them a good clatter, but that they will be found out.

Found out for the Empty Shirt, H.dips, Jobs for the Boys, Dynasty Seat Fillers, Galway Tent Brigades they really are, and not the Republican Party they got too grand for. The Republican Party they’re afraid of standing up for. The Republican Party they’ve forgotten they once were. The FFs are a scared of where they are from. (That makes them BlueShirts btw)

Over the last few days I’ve being driving myself stupid trying to do the seating arrangements around the Cabinet table. The state the last crowd left the place in is not worth working with, so rather than suggest who could manage the portfolio for both Gaeltacht Affairs AND Natural Resources with any effectiveness; I’ve isolated a few biggies for the purposes of this gig, and bundled in a few portfolios. I have also introduced a third party. You’ll see why in a sec.

Republican Government 2016

Taoiseach Suspended

Tánaiste Suspended

Chief Whip Mary Hanafin. FF. She has to be in there somewhere, but we need to keep her ProLife Family Values (my arse) claws out of Justice, Health, Ed. Hanafin is the ‘wan for this, she’ll have them all in line, and they’d be no blaggarding in the Dáil bar when she’s in charge.

Health: Roisin Shortall. SD. (Best there is for this 14 Billion+ monster) Pearse should be in the gig, but he’s needed somewhere else.
Juniors: Máire Devine. SF. (Just by turning up she’ll out perform Kat’leen Lynch)
Chris Andrews. SF, (also to gig in Justice & Social Welfare)
And if Jim O’Callaghan FF gets past the post, he can do a good job here and with a Justice brief.

Finance: Pearse SF, Michael McGrath FF, and Catherine Murphy SD , the latter working with Banking, Corruption and Statutory Bodies and to double job in Justice. The FFer to focus on Public Expenditure & Reform. But they answer to PoD.

Foreign Affairs Mary Lou. (and a few former Shinner Warriors Gerry, Martin Etc)

Minister for Social Protection etc Joint Venture with Caomhin O C. SF and Timmy Dooley FF. Both daycent, hardworking and not afraid to admit they get it wrong. Both are also savvy enough to know when reach out and seek independent expertise if required.

Justice: Annuder JV: Donnacadh Ó’Laoghaire SF, James Browne FF, & Catherine Murphy SD

Ed: Mickey Martin FF & Carol Nolan SF. Both teachers, I know, but Mickey has big ministry experience and Carol Nolan is a ‘wan to watch imo

Ag, Food Seán Ó’Fearghail FF. Former party whip who is a grafter and does it all without whinging to the press, smirking for the camera and gets his sh1t done. He knows how to work with people so he should pick his own Jrs.

Trade & Transport Willie O’Wee is well able for this as a soloist, but I would shove Niall Collins in here too. Two FFers, without complaining or causing ructions, would make up the damage Marmy O’Rourke did when she was there.

Sports, Tourism, Culchees Etc Martin Ferris & Eamon O’Cuiv

Science, Innovation, Enterprise etc Darren O’Rourke SF. A lad with a CV you won’t see in any of the Big Parties. Doesn’t need a Jnr

Arts Heritage Gaeltacht Seamus Browne SF with a dig out from O’Cuiv

Environment, Community & Local Government John McGuinness FF (No Jrs, no-one would work wi’im tbh) I also think the Shinners should lay’ve him at it. They’ve need to move on from community and local authorities and widen their working profiles into the big budget/ industrial departments. If some ballast is needed, bring Mattie in from the Indo benches.

Communications Energy etc Put Billy Kelliher FF and Eoin O’Broin SF in here. They can manage each other and keep to themselves without anyone knowing they’re Ministers.

Special Minister without Portfolio Gerry. This gig was created originally for Pat Rabbitte back when. Not that I would dream of saying there’s a bitta “same sh1t different bucket” going on, but Gerry can’t add any skills or experience to a Government department, nor is it worth the taxpayer’s indulgence to train him in.

He could do a meet and greet role in Defence and in Foreign Affairs/ Trade. But one thing’s for sure, I can’t wait to see Ur’Ger’reee with his Garda Minders and Drivers.

I didn’t bother with the 15+ other gigs currently held by the last government. Not because I wasn’t arsed but they don’t seem important enough to be taken into consideration.

A few things ye should note before the hidin’ starts.

The majority of the Shinner Candidates have CVs that should put all the other parties to shame. Meritocracy trumps. So Tough Shit to all the usual bigger party suspects, passengers, gender quota winners and waggoneers, (I’m looking at you Colm Keavney btw.) Look at each of those gigs, and picture them filled with FFs& FGers…Did some sick just come into your mouth?

Have an idea about AG. But thought the better of posting it here.

FFs should remember a SF coalition will keep manners on John McGuinness for them.
I deliberately suspended Taoiseach and Tánaiste. I don’t see the need in the short term.

All parties in Government can have their own boss for Ard Fheis speech and to be in charge of the Lotto Syndicate. But the titles n’trappings within the next Government are just Vanity. Health Ed Finance Housing etc need all the Ministerial time, skill and resources they can get.

Remember. Vote early n’often. If you don’t know who to vote for. Give them all your Number 1.

And anyone that votes for Noonan, The Curse of Frilly Keane on ye all. May ye get flooded, again, and again, and again, may ye all get Lime Disease and a dose of the scour that has yere arses burning for a fortnight.

BTW, is yer man in the TV3 tan Noel Cunningham an’ting to Sean Fleming?

Frilly Keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow her on Twitter: @frillykeane

Women want him.

Men want to be him.

Frilly just wanted to interview him.

In a surreal Pudding questionnaire ‘special, Friday columnist Frilly Keane grills Monday columnist Julien Mercille (above).

Who is the man behind the pillow-lips and insouciant ‘elite’-bashing?

What are his wants, needs and regrets?

And is there more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Frilly Keane: Would ya be a tay or coffee man?

Julien Mercille: I never drink coffee. Maybe I had five cups in my life, I never got used to it. Sometimes I drink tea when I’m trying to adapt to my new Irish culture but not so often. It’s green tea usually.

That stuff any good at hangovers?

I’m never hungover because I can’t do more than 3 pints.

A question fit for a President, tighties or boxers?

I shouldn’t reveal this for fear that commenter Anne would jam the comments section with too many comments.

She’s my best customer.

OK, I’ll let you two work.

You should be nicer to Anne, you might get onta’ the most commented top table. So tell us sum’ting your Monday readers don’t know about you.

I’m a private person so it may be better to keep some things private…

Nope. It’s good to share.

OK then, I have a sister.

What’s your secret ambition?

Have a weekly column in a national newspaper, preferably next to Dan O’Brien’s column to give it balance.

Dan O’Brien has a weekly column? Jays, they’d give anyone a weekly column these days, so what would you write about?

About the same topics I write for Broadsheet. Maybe more focused on Dan to entertain readers.

Entertaining is a bitta’ve a stretch tbh…

[silence]

Where are ya from and where’ll you end up?

I’m from a mid-size town in Quebec, Canada. I’m facing a dilemma as to where I want to end up really. I’ve realised over time that it doesn’t really matter where you end up, as long as you’ve enjoyed the journey.

So you speak French, do you do the accent n’all?

Yes, French is my mother tongue. The accent is very different than European accents though. Sometimes the French from France have a hard time understanding me.

Your Clinger of Choice and who’s the crush you’d like to fondle on the dance floor?

This is very difficult to reveal to tens of thousands of readers due to my political ideas. My crush I’d like to take to the dance floor would be Lucinda Creighton — it’s so sad she’s in the wrong party. Maybe I could convince her to join People Before Profit if I choose a really long clinger: November Rain or Stairway to Heaven, or both if needed.

First thing you do on a Saturday morning?

Reading the news and prepare my breakfast which is usually cereal.

Wha’! Not even a nudge?

What does that mean?

I’ll leave the Frill-Drillers answer that. Historical figure or famous person you identify with? Or Envy? And why?

Gerry Adams. Kidding, I wouldn’t want to scare any of the Young Fine Gael commenters. In general, writers and thinkers from the Enlightenment.

Ah yeah…Me too, love their stuff…

Yes, the Enlightenment, those who believed in human rights and freedom.

Dinner time – who are the guests and what would ya’put in front ov’em?

Among friends who could be known by Broadsheet readers: Peter McGuire (Irish Times journalist), Kitty Holland (Irish Times journalist), Aoife McLysaght (scientist), Sinead Gibney (IHREC), serving aubergine bake and Aperol Spritz.

FFS. Not even jelly n’icecream, or a bitta Swiss roll for afters?

For dessert, something with maple syrup, maybe berries.

Your concept of Heaven?

I’m not religious but if you mean an earthly paradise, somewhere abroad where I can read and write with no distraction and get a good meal in the evening.

And Hell?

In prison.

My idea of heaven is a heated smoking area, and hell is a wedding invitation… What TV reality show would you like to be on?

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It’s really funny, five gay guys come find a straight guy and they get him clothes, renovate his house and show him cooking tricks, so I’d benefit from all that. Or else a cooking competition show like Iron Chef or Hell’s Kitchen, to learn some cooking tricks.

After learning about Aubergine Bake and watery wine for dinner, I should’a known. Biggest regret in life so far?

Probably not having started to write for the media earlier.

Does every answer have to be about work?

Work is a big part of my life, but since I like it, it’s never really work.

What’s your greatest fear?

I don’t have too many big fears.

Stump up or else I’ll say you have a fear of butter, dickie-bows and redheads.

I fear that Bodger will never redesign Broadsheet.ie as he promised he would…

Friday night pints, what’s your sup?

I’m not a big drinker, especially by Irish standards. Sometimes when people do rounds I end up with 2-3 pints in front of me and then I give them to others who are more in need.

No surprise… lemme guess… pints of Coors Lite Shandy.

Usually I have Guinness or Smithwicks.

That’s handy, I’m a Smithwicks drinker too. Any favourite blog?

Here are some of the main things I read in terms of news. In Ireland, Michael Taft’s blog Notes on the Front is excellent and in the mainstream press so are the Sunday Business Post and the social affairs section in the Irish Times. I also look at every column written by David McWilliams and I monitor his development as a leftist writer. Fintan O’Toole is good but he should try to be less literary. Outside Ireland, the Financial Times (London) is the best paper in the world in the mainstream, followed closely by the Wall Street Journal and New York Times. Then there’s The Guardian for more critical perspectives. In the alternative press, I read many things; regulars include Truthout, Juan Cole, Jacobin, and everything written by Dean Baker and Mark Weisbrot, two US economists.

I didn’t make the cut, ‘ ara wha’ harm … hardly my kinda’ company. Do you have a favourite filum?

Probably Star Wars is the one I’ve watched the most often. Johnny Depp was amazing in Pirates of the Caribbean. Recently, Spotlight and Suffragettes were good. I’ve watched all the Vietnam War movies when I was a student in the United States.

Do you or have you, ever re-gifted?

Sometimes when I have friends over for dinner, they bring food or drinks that I don’t really like, and so I bring them as my contribution to other friends’ dinner parties.

Of course they bring their own grub! They bloody have’ta. What’s on the telly that you can’t miss?

I rarely watch TV. Sometimes I watch Vincent Browne but since he hasn’t invited me in a while now I’m inclined to want to make his ratings go down a bit.

You should lobby’em for your own show, you’d be great craic, a ratings poll topper.

[silence]

What Superhero would you be?

Invisible Woman. I’ve always wanted to be invisible. I could make my way in the parliament and spy on whatever they’re doing, like during the night of the bank guarantee.

Have you some gender fluid notions you’d like to share, like why does it matter if you’re a man or a woman if you’re invisible? Sur’ there’s plenty Women in your line of work that are treated like they’re invisible, you should ask them about it …. you might want to pick another Superhero after that conversation.

You don’t know your superheroes. There’s an Invisible Woman but no Invisible Man.

Bollox, you don’t know your telly, an annuder thing… you don’t know your HG Wells. BTW, since you mentioned him earlier, Johnny Depp is the newest Invisible Man.

[no reply]

Do you have a favourite joke or funny story?

Yes but they’re better told in person.

Thank Christ.

Frill’s Verdict?

Eh, no. I wouldn’t.

Frilly Keane’s column appears here every Friday. Follow her on Twitter: @frillykeane

It’s Friday.

It’s Midday.

It’s Frilly on Friday.

Frilly Keane writes:

You are about to launch into the maiden ‘Pudding’ interview. Read along as my older, much older, lover unravels himself. Get yerselves stuck into the Black n’White of this week’s Frill-Bit, Save yere oul’leftovers n’bitching for Mercy on Monday..

Occupation? “Mostly Villain, apparently. But I am not a villain, I am interesting.”

What is your most treasured possession? “A blunt spoon, I believe. Although I do have a particular affection for whooshing fur cloaks. And riding boots. You cannot deny the boots… Especially You.”

Tis those long legs…. Seeming even longer…. I can’t help meself “Who bade you to?”

Pain or Death? “That’s my line of questioning! You Steal From ME! … For Them? …. THAT’S IT! Cancel the scraps for the lurkers, the trolls, the users and the losers, no more merciful reply’s and edits, and call off the Paddy Cosgrove slag’mas!”

Sur’ tis only the t’internet? “So just starve them out! … and slaughter their Wifi.”

That’s for next week’s one.

What sleb-reality show would you most like to be on? “A Sleb! … It sounds like something that should be shoveled out of my way…..tsk, fhuuuh, do you really need an answer?

I’ll just keep asking “fhuuuh… just to shut you up …. emmmm … who won’t have heard of Cumberbatch?

Probably the Diving under the Ice for Gold lads. Those outback tribes’ ignorance of me would be a fortunate situation … let that be known….Note It!
NOTED! Look I’m noting it ….So? Hell’s Kitchen maybe. I could take that Ramsey heart out with my spoon … definitely not Geordie Shore.

Why, they might see you as “a bitta’v’sort like” They can do what they like, humans should be nervous of the Newcastle accent.

So you are human? “Only around you Lass.”

How would you like to die? “Am I to be proffered a menu? I don’t intend to die. Dying is for the lepers and the poor and the talentless and the Irish Labour Party.

Ah now that’s a bit mad. “Fear not for my sanity, Frilly, for in madness, there is great power.

So, if you had to have one, what would your epitaph be? “Love Me or Hate Me but you will never forget me? Maybe….Feared and Revered….classically cut into a virgin licked to a shine granite sword… as long as it’s bigger and better than Arthur’s….. I say we get drunk now, because I’m all out of ideas.”

OK so, virtues, have you any? “Beauty and Brillance, obviously. And a handsome level of style.”

Any you might like to call overrated? “Patience. And Tolerance…. ‘course.”

And underrated? “Greed…. Wait… I’m supposed to want it all… don’t use that, it will only inspire competition.”

What talent would you most like to have? “Am I short! What could I possibly be lacking?”

Sometimes I like a lad that is good with his hands….ahem “Tsk…. Could you be anymore more obvious? It doesn’t suit my sweet girl, enough with the ire inducing; I suppose it would be an asset to sing like Julio.”

The Spanish fella? “They have to be good at something that doesn’t require garments with their names and catalogue numbers on them.”

Who are your heroes? “EEEEAASSSYYY! The receivers of Stealth Taxes … Gimme Gimme Gimme and not a drop of blood shed. Delicious! Laureate Stuff ….Notable mention to the Phil of the Hogan, the most useless gimp ever to live a life that rewards a thick hick like he invented the Flat Screen … yet unfortunately worthy of even the most measly’ist of a nod. …. But the gift of the Royal Garter goes to the High Pretender King of Redactions and Relishes. Who could fail to admire his silent seizing of treasures from the people and keeping it all for himself. Non-Recourse Painless Enrichment, the best kind. You Celts should name one of your County’s after him. Scribble out Leitrim and change it to Dobberary.”

What is your biggest fear? “The average industrial wage. And a wider Smoking Ban.”

When do you lie? “Probe’ish aren’t we. I like your ticklish itching type of foreplay…tsk.. suppose “How are you” is the inquiry, the utterer should hear “none of your damn business!” But, on the odd occasion when it promises a shortcut out of the imbecility of a conversation, I might utter fine or shit or horny or whatever my current state of mind produces all on its own.”

Are you lying now? “Always, Frilly.”

If you were to be a fictional superhero who would it be? “Me! This impertinence might require a spanking.”

Not yet. “Bring a friend.”

Spuds… Mashed, Chipped, Roasted, Boiled, fancied up with stuff? “None. They grow in muck covered in shit and favored by peasants.”

Give over yer not that grand, who do you think you are Simon Coveney? “fhuuuh… if I must…fat chips with a splurge of brown sauce….. happy?”

More than … I’m wet.

Did you know there is a 50 Shades of Snape yoke on tumble? “Enough Chit Chat Frilly, remove your clothes! I am going to count to three, there won’t be a four..”

Frilly keane’s column appears here every friday. Follow Frilly on Twitter: @frillykeane