US President Donald Trump says China wants him to lose his re-election race in November
When you helped spread a major disease
And your country is down on its knees
But you’re facing a vote
You must sound the right note
And be racist against the Chinese
John Moynes
Reuters
US President Donald Trump said yesterday that the pandemic would be largely cleared by the ‘fourth quarter’ of the year
The world’s mood improved yesterday
Through the dark clouds we all glimpsed a ray
Of beautiful hope
When an ignorant dope
Said our problems would just go away
John Moynes
AP
Nobel Laureate Professor Peter Doherty tweeted about the opening hours of Australian liquor retailer, Dan Murphy
We know that Australians will choose
The first moment they can to buy booze
And when their boffins think
That it’s time for a drink
That’s something the public will excuse
John Moynes
AAP
Rumours of the death North Korea leader Kim Jong-un have been downplayed
We know that our world would be grim
Without the wise guidance of Kim
But he’s still alive
And continues to thrive
And nothing bad’s happened to him
John Moynes
Reuters
US President Donald Trump examines slides on disinfectants during a press briefing at The White House yesterday
Trump has explained we should each
Inject ourselves with lots of bleach
You can tell he is wise
When you gaze at his eyes
And he clearly has so much to teach
John Moynes
Getty
Carolyn Goodman, mayor of Las Vegas, Nevada, USA has said she wants the city’s casinos, hotels and stadiums to quickly reopen
In the home of the gambling jet set
The mayor wants to place a big bet
And reopen the Strip
But would you take a trip
To Las Vegas? Let’s face it, not yet.
John Moynes
Getty
Running of the bulls during the San Fermín Festival in Pamplona, Spain last Summer
In Pamplona they think that it’s good
Watch idiots spill lots of blood
But their festival’s status
Is now “on hiatus”
Though they’d do it again if they could
John Moynes
AFP
Golfer John Daly – in a Trump Organisation YouTube video – urged people to drink vodka on a daily basis in order to “kill this coronavirus”
It’s time to let out a loud cheer
As at long last a treatment is here
You’ll keep Covid away
If you drink every day
Until vodka comes out of your ear
John Moynes
Britain’s Duke and Duchess of Sussex have told the editors of British tabloid newspapers that they will never again deal with their titles
An emigré royal said “One
Will no longer speak to The Sun
As we all know it’s
Just bullshit and tits
And dealing with that is no fun.”
John Moynes
Scriptural boffin Dr Dirk Obbink (above) has been arrested on suspicion of stealing priceless ancient papyrus biblical fragments from a collection held at Oxford University
Even in Oxford’s top echelon
They don’t pay that much to a Don
So it’s alleged that Dirk
Took papyrus from work
To the States, and then he sold it on
John Moynes
AP
