Tag Archives: jokes

Poster_July

A weekend comedy festival?

At the (very lovely) Mermaid Theatre, Bray, Co Wicklow?

Oh go on then.

Emma Dwyer writes:

We have a comedy weekender coming up here next weekend and would love to give Broadsheet readers a chance to win weekend passes.

Not the Edinburgh Fringe But Better (we’re so modest) features Al Porter, Karl Spain, Chris Kent and Eleanor Tiernan.

We have TWO pairs of Weekend passes up for grabs. To enter, Just TELL US A JOKE…the loudest Friday Mermaid Theatre LOL wins….

Jokes MUST finish at 5.45pm

Mermaid Theatre

Anglo-two-layers

Fitzgerald and Bowe

The funny bits:

John Bowe: “As me granny used to say, you must be therapeutic.”

 Peter Fitzgerald: “Eh what does that mean? Can I work the computer is it?”

Bowe: “Therapeutic, therapeutic. I was just ringing you.”

Fitzgerald: “I’m ambidextrous as well. It means I can walk on land and water.”

Bowe: “You can drink, you can drink beer out of both hands…”

 

Badum tish.

Tip your waitress.

Claim it back, etc.

Pat Neary [Financial Regulator] impersonation at 4.12.

Earlier: To Cut A Long Story Short

Drummer, Dumber And Dumberer

Every year, there’s a funniest joke competition among the comedians of the Edinburgh Fringe. This year’s winner was ‘full time man-myth and professional dick-kicker’ Nick Helm. Here for comparison purposes, are the top ten:

1) Nick Helm: “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

2) Tim Vine: “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

3) Hannibal Buress: “People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time’. You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”

4) Tim Key: “Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought… once you’ve hired the car…”

5) Matt Kirshen: “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

6) Sarah Millican: “My mother told me, you don’t have to put anything in your mouth you don’t want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards.”

7) Alan Sharp: “I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure.”

8) Mark Watson: “Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.”

9) Andrew Lawrence: “I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails.”

10) DeAnne Smith: “My friend died doing what he loved … Heroin.”

(BBC News Scotland)

pic